Too Much

I know that it hasn't been THAT long since my last post but, I feel like so much is happening. In actuality, not that much is going on. Wake, bum around, go to work, eat, sleep, repeat. Not bad, right? It's not bad however, my mind is taking over and thinking every moment of everyday at 12,000 miles an hour. I can't stop. It appears as though I have. Watching a movie, playing a video game, sitting in the break room... My brain will not shut up!! It just goes and goes and goes! And then, it goes some more. Now, on normal accounts this isn't a problem. This actually happens quite often. Why do you think I'm on medication? Anywho, my thoughts are on three specific items this go round and I know they will not lay to rest until worked out (which will take a significant amount of time). So, I figured I would try to silence the arguing within my soul by burdening all of you with my issues.

Issue #1

Work

I love my job. I love what I do. I love actually doing it. 

I don't love management. I don't love the "quality" of the WDW company. I don't love how little they care about me, or my safety, or my mental stability. I don't love how I could be without a job in January. I don't love how I have to be there a year to apply for FMLA. I don't love feeling my soul die a little every time I check my schedule. 

I keep telling myself I'll be alright, that I have options, But I don't. 

"You can go to Universal" I say. Then I remember that my roommate has auditioned with Universal on three different occasions in vain. I also remember that the economy is bad or whatever anyway. 

"There's a Hooters down the street" I say. Then I remember that I hate working in food. It's gross. Speaking of gross, my body isn't quite in shape enough, yet. And, again, economy.

"You can switch to Disneyland" I say. My number one choice, might I add. Then I remember they aren't holding any auditions anytime soon, or, at all for that matter. So... no good.

"You can always move back home" I say. Then I remember that, other than my family, there is nothing for me back home. I escaped the bubble, why would I go back?

So, as you can see, my list of choices isn't really a list. It's really a blank piece of paper. A green piece of paper, so it's a little awesomer, but still blank. 

Issue #2

Boys

I'm only going to say a few things here because I am sick of talking about it and I'm sure you're all sick of hearing about it. 

I'm mad as hell at myself and I'm mad as hell at the Fates for offering me this hand. I mean no disrespect. I'm grateful for the destiny that was laid before me. I go willingly. It's just painful and difficult. But, it's who I am. I can't change it and I don't want to. Therefore, I don't know why boys waste their time with me. It only ends badly for both of us. It always has.

Issue #3

Christmas

This is the first year EVER that money has been an issue. EVER. I've always said Christmas isn't about money or gifts. But when you want to make your loved ones happy by getting them the perfect something and can't, you're sad. Especially when they're far away, your gift is that much more special. I'm just sad that I' working my ass off and have nothing to show for it. I love my family dearly and want them to have pride in my Christmas efforts, but they won't. I suck.

There you have it. I guess I'm bummed. 

Namarie melloneamin

Apologies?

I just want to clear some things up about one of my earlier blogs titled "Oh Man..."

First of all I am not apologizing for any of it. One should never have to apologize for being honest. I mean, the only person I HAVE to explain myself to is myself and I already know. Just putting that out there. Now, back to the issue...

I do feel like I was misunderstood, by some, about what I was trying to say. I want to start with the fact that I was a bit (and by a bit I mean quite a lot) freaked out. People who know me well know that I freak out. It's in my nature. When high emotions are involved my brian goes into over-drive. There's a history as to why, which will not be discussed at this time, but there's a method to the madness. 

Boy mentioned in previous blog is a good guy. You should all know that by now. I just was just startled by dating. NOT him. He's not some creepy, moving too fast kind of guy. He just doesn't know me yet. Hopefully he'll get to know me. At the time I was in "Kim mode" which meant "WARNING! WARNING! Boy showing interest! Abort!". Who am I kidding?! I'm still in "Kim mode" but I'm fighting tooth and nail to keep a logical mind. Essentially, I'm trying not to freak out. "Oh Man..." was just me getting frustrations out. Yelling by means of a blog. I like to roar and I decided to roar in blog form. 

*shrug* I suppose that's all. Boy mentioned in previous blog is still around (because I know you were all wondering). He's cool and I'm taking it slow and getting to know him. So... There you go. 

Namarie melloneamin

Twilight

Yes, I saw it. Here is what I think.

*Disclaimer: Here be spoilers. Don't say I ruined it for you because I'm warning you right now that I'm not going to hold off on some opinions due the fact that I might "ruin it for you".*

It was good. I think the storyline transferred well from book to screen. We all knew we were going to lose chunks here and there, and there was only one instance I found disheartening. But, I'm getting ahead of myself. I'm going to start with the casting. I found the casting most excellent overall. Bella I felt would have been fine with a number of people, so I didn't really care. Edward definitely did a nice job. I think the origional actor suggested would have made me happier (Henry Cavill) but being awhward and sexy as hell at the same time is difficult so I will give him some definite kudos. Emmit was hilarious. Alice was what I expected as was Esme. Carlisle was fantastic, he played the father/leader role well and was oh so pleasant to look at also. Jasper.... Oh Jasper... I FREAKIN LOVED HIM. He was so awkward in that "I don't know how to be friends with my food" way. Adorable. Very Edward Scissorhands if you know what I mean. I want to snuggle him even more than I did when I read the book. He is officially my favorite vampire family member. OFFICIALLY. *sigh* Where was I...? Oh yeah, Rosalie. Nice job. So perfectly bitchy. Props to her. I like the way she channeled her bitchiness in a way that you understood why she harbored the hostility. Nice job, indeed. Jacob was another pleasant surprise for me. Very cute and really nailed the "I'm sorry, my dad is embarrassing" face. Great. James was so magically delicious. Just how I wanted him to be. We all know how I like the angry guy... And he was. The power behind him was astounding. I loved it. 

Alright, storyline. As I said before, I was satisfied with what was done plot-wise except for one teeny tiny little thing. They left out Jasper's extra ability. Why are you hatin' on my man?! I undertand that it may be difficult to show and/or do that in this film with there being so much already... But what are you going to do for the next movie?! "Oh, by the way, Jasper is special too, we forgot to tell you that." Hmm...

My other beef with the movie was the music choice. I really wanted some sort of instrumental theme throughout the story. But alas, I had to settle for different bands playing different stuff. Boo! I was really looking forward to a new instrumental soundtrack. Roar!! Sad times...

The kiss scene was beyond amazing. Nicely orchestrated and super hot. 

All in all I liked the movie for what it was: a movie made for the fans. I believe it pleased them and that's what I hope they were aiming for. No, this won't be studied at NYU film school, but it was entertaining with pretty people and inspiried a bit of hope for unlikely love. It also reminds us that high school boys are socially awkward and funny as hell because they think they're cool. 

I love Jasper.

Namarie melloneamin

Oh Man...

That's right. Oh man. Oh man oh man...

Men. They freak me out. Compliments compliments compliments. I HATE COMPLIMENTS AND FLATTERY. Period. Stop it. Stop it right now. Too much too fast. Don't call me princess, don't tell me how amazing I am. 

Officail proclamtion: If you've known Kim for less than a month or only gone on one date, don't "top friend" her on myspace or call her a princess or tell her she's the most amazing person ever. She doesn't like it. Never will. 

Why do the Gods send me these people? I once had a guy tell me he loved me before we went on our first date.  What?!  Yes! Here I am all over again. Why do people put all of their heart in so fast? What are you going to gain from that?! You're only going to get hurt. That's the only thing that can happen when you go THAT  fast emotionally. 

This is me freaking out. HE is freaking me out. I'm sorry if he reads this and it hurts him, but I need to get this out. And really, when you lay it on THAT thick THAT soon it's going to freak me out. 

I feel bad. I just don't see this working out. Plus, he's Catholic. Pagan + Catholic does not equal compatibility. He has no knowledge of my religion. And if he did, he most likely wouln't have asked me out in the first place. But this matter isn't even a matter right now. 

Thanks guys... Thank you for putting this guy's feelings in harm's way. And thank you for giving me even more reason to believe I'm doomed to an eternity of loneliness. Thanks guys... Thanks alot.

Oh man...

Once Upon a Chilly Morning...

I woke up. Then I made coffee and began to reflect on my past few days...

First of all: the Christmas dance party is oh so much fun!!  They kick my ass, but I love them. I was actually sore from the chicken dance (if you can imagine). I've learned some new dances too which pretty much rock my world.  

Next we have dating issues. *sigh* Where to begin? I went out with boy mentioned in previous blog. An excellent time was had. Who doesn't have a good time when watching Bond? Crazy people, that's who. Where was I...? Oh yeah... So on the way to the movie we had fantastic conversation. I feel the need to touch on this for we actually missed our exit to Downtown Disney we were so into our discussion. We have so much in common it freaks me out a little. I suggested Bond (like you all didn't see THAT one coming) and he said he was hoping I would, cause that's what he wanted to see. That's typical, I guess. Having a thrist for 007 is common with a lot of people, well, smart people anyway. Once we settled into the movie is where it got interesting. Well for him it was probably frustrating. As I indicated earlier, we've only known eachother for a very short period of time, therefore, he knows not of my intimacy issues. Nor of my dating handicap, but that subject is sure to come shortly. Anywho, he was CLEARLY wanting to crank it up a notch during said movie. Not by a large portion, he was a perfect gentleman the whole night (more on that later, too) but he definitely wanted... I don't know... cuddle time...? Cuddle-ish time... that's what we'll go with, cuddle-ish time. Well we all know how much I like to cuddle, in that I don't . Snuggling is alright, but that's different. When you're home with a movie you snuggle, or when you're falling asleep, you snuggle. Cuddling in a movie theatre just isn't my thing. I'm not into PDA that much, I guess. I'm the one making barf noises when anyone starst to get kissy kissy within a 100 foot radius. Bleh!! Maybe I'm just cold. Maybe I'm bitcy, I don't know. And here's another thing: the chivalry. That's great... for girls who like/need it from their man. I don't. Not one teeny tiny little bit. I've been a party of one for so long that I'm just used to it, I suppose. I'm not saying that guys shouldn't do things like open doors, or walk a girl to her car and so on and so forth. I'm just saying, I can take care of myself. I don't mean that in any form of disrespect, that's just how I roll. AND it was only validated further at the Halloween party "incident" (most people know about the "incident" but ask if you don't). In short (too late) I just want to state for the world to know, that I am emotionally independant, please learn to deal with it if you choose to date me. 

Now, if you thought that was the end of this subject during this particular blog you are mistaken. I have some reflection-esque thoughts about all of this. Let us start with the fact that I don't like to live in the "real world". You all, I'm sure, already knew that. Anyone who knows me knows that. Now, I am trying to force myself to realize that I don't live in a romantic movie. I don't even reside in a romantic comedy. Holy bubble poppage Batman! But, alas, it's true. Sad... but true. So after this recent revelation I have decided not to write off boy mentioned in previous blog just yet. I'm trying something new. I'm trying this actually get to know him-see if something develops-have some fun-be brave thing. Frankly it terrifies me. But maybe that's my problem. I'm afraid (I think I touched on that prior to this blog). I'm not so sure why, though. Maybe I've kept people at arm's length for too long. Fear of the unknown...? The Gods only know, but I'm going to be as courageous as I can. That's all I've come up with at this point. With that, I'm going to end this segment.

Damn!!

That is all.

Namarie melloneamin

Lists

After re-reading my latest post I have come to the conclusion that I like the whole "officializing" of my many many lists (yes, I totally made up an AWESOME word). You see, I have lists for a number of items and on most occasions I forget half of my list because it's only in my head. Now, as some of you know, I have over a gazillion things going on in my head (more on that for another time) and my brain just can't remember it all when called out on the spot. Therefore, I am making some of them official on this blog and adding to them when I remember something or feel the need to add something. Here we go...

Kim's list of favorite Disney characters:

Pluto

Drizella (duh)

Flower

Pongo

Dodger

Bowler Hat Guy

Figaro

Captain Hook

Brer Bear's butt

Merriweather (unless we're hanging out during parade)

Timon

Mad Madam Mim

Squirt

Pegasus

Mufasa

Koda

Rajah

Boo

Pocahontas 

Kim's list of songs she wants to learn all the lyrics to:

La Vie Boheme

Yakko Sings the Countries of the World

One Week by Bare Naked Ladies (lame, I know, but whatchya gonna do?)

Kim's list of celebrities she would have in her social circle if she were famous:

Amanda Bines

Ellen DeGeneres

Christina Ricci

Jenifer Garner

Kim's list of roles she wants to portray onstage:

Velma Kelly in Chicago

Maureen in RENT

LeFou in Beauty and the Beast (shut up, I know he's a boy)

Lily in The Secret Garden

Christine or Meg in Phantom of the Opera

I think that will do for now. It's late and I'm a sleepy girl. As I said, this will be updated frequently so stay tuned.

Namarie melloneamin

Sad and Confusing Times

*Takes deep breath*

 Alright. Holy long time no blog Batman. Many reasons lead to this tragedy. 

First of being the move. Yes!! It finally happened !! Jenn and I are now in the new abode and loving it. The improved distance from work has proved most glorious. It's nice to tell the childrens I'll be home around ten and not eleven or eleven thirty. Not to mention the bundles of fuel my car is no longer consuming. I think the car (who STILL remains nameless, my bad) is happier about it too. It's not parking on the street so it feels tres safer. The childrens have also taken a liking to the new homestead. They are spread out all about the new and LARGER bedroom. During the hour of playtime they actually have room to engage in such activities of play, therefore rendering them tired enough for bedtime. Which, in turn, makes me happy for it hurts when they use me as their jungle gym. 

Once moved in to the glorious new apartment we learn that we have internet. Something near us has wifi and therefore so do we. The peasants rejoiced!! But alas, it was short lived. About a week ago it vanished from our realm of contentment, leaving us sad and deprived of communication... Or so we thought. Yesterday, on a whim, I decide to check the status of said problem and lo and behold internet had returned! Leaving us breathing a little easier until we can afford to call yet another internet company. We all know my luck with them...

Now that the matter is on the back burner I have another issue that needs venting. 

Yes, I know. You all LOVE my venting. Well, stick a cork in it, I'm doing it anyway. 

Where was I...? Ah, yes, my vent. Guess what this vent is concerning... Correct-amundo!! Boys. So there's this guy (you know it's a doozy when it starts THAT way). Anywho, there is a certain male who has expressed a certain interest in a certain person of the female variety. He's super duper nice, not to mention taller and older than said female. Wait wait wait... Let us take a minor step back and examine why this is such an accomplishment. I have an unofficial list of qualities I... I mean SHE requires her gentleman callers to possess. You know, now that this is where this blog has lead me I'm going to make this list official.

Kim's list of qualities she finds important for gentlemen wishing to court her:

Older than her

Taller than her+

Confidence

People skills

The ability to dress oneself properly+

Likes sports+

Not a fan of the Denver Broncos

Likes movies+

Can handle the fact that she's a Disnoid*+

No, I repeat, NO animal allergies

Honest

Not clingy

Open minded

*A Disnoid is an intense Disney fan. If you know me, you should already know that.

For now, that will do. A quality followed by a + means they are negotiable. 

Alrighty, back to the main topic. There is a guy psycho enough to express interest in me and he really is a nice guy. I'm just not sure how I actually feel due to the fact that I am, as we all know, dating impaired. I suck at the whole casual, getting to know you, game playing, new interest phase. My friends ask "Well, do you like him?" And I honestly have no idea. I might, but I don't know if I'm reverting back to my old ways of: I should like him so I'll make myself like him. We all know how THAT worked out. I have also learned that I'm really afraid. There's a nervous air when I'm around potential significant others and sometimes that turns into a bona fide fear. And a crippling one at that. I'm just super confused and I'm not sure how to go about figuring out whether I like him or just want to like him. I keep thinking I just need to spend some actual time with him and go from there. He is good company and we had fun the few times we've hung out. I'll just take it one step at a time and see where I end up... I hate doing that. I'm not the most patient person. But, I've been doing nothing but complaining about how lonely I am, so I may as well try. 

I suppose that's the end of this vent, and with that, the end of this blog.

Namarie melloneamin