Alright. Not to get too "oh, poor me, I'm never getting married, I'm going to die alone with nothing but my imaginary friends for comfort" on you, but I do need to complain for a brief moment.
A dear friend of mine got married yesterday. That's awesome. I'm actually really happy for her. She's living in bliss and she deserves all the joy in the world. Truthfully, she isn't the driving force behind this (hopefully short) rant.
Another friend of mine was married off last week, too. Again, I'm very happy for her. She too, deserves love and wonderfulness. She, also, is not exactly the root of my angst. I wish them the best.
I wish both of these girls the best. They're lovely ladies and I hope they're in love forever and deliriously happy forever.
This morning, however, I find out today is the wedding day of a guy I once had a tiny little (read: raging) crush on. Thank you Facebook. Now, I know that sounds high school, but I have no other way of putting it. Some years ago I admired him and spoke a few times with him, and was sad I wasn't dating him, and decided not to pursue it because I was moving across the country very soon, and that was far away from him, and so there was no point, and waved goodbye to him in my head, and he was really good looking. I really, didn't know him that well. I just liked him, and I don't fall for guys easily, so at the time it was a big deal to me. But! I moved away and after a little while, hardly thought about him. Until today, I kind of figured that was it. Chapter closed.
Wrong!
I read on Facebook (from a mutual friend, I don't even follow him! Grr...) today he's marrying some girl I don't know who's probably pretty, and petite, and perfect. And, while I'm trying tremendously hard to be happy for him, I can't help but feel... disappointed. Not that I think I should be the one marrying him, or even dating him. Because I don't. Being where I am now, and being the person I am now is infinitely better than who and where I was then. I just feel a little worn out. I'm tired of watching all these people who are in my life, or were in my life, find amazing people to be with forever while I'm stuck here saying "congratulations" over and over and over and over...
Please don't misunderstand me. I am genuinely happy for them. I truthfully mean it when I hug them with a "best wishes". It's just difficult to say it when you're pretty sure it's never going to happen for you. I don't even need a dress, or a cake, or a dance, or a line of congratulators or best wishers. I really don't. In fact, at this point, I don't think I even want that.
Honestly, I don't know what I want. I'm so annoyed with saying "I want the man I marry to be this and/or that". I roll my eyes at the whole process!!
I suppose one could consider this my official withdrawal from the "dating game". I bequeath my dating status of "single and looking" onto those a tad younger than I, and retire. It's too much work, and too much of a let down. No more sizing up the guys that walk into the Institute building, or wedding ring checks. I may even quit wearing make-up.
No, no. That may be taking it too far. I think I'll still wear make-up.
I have school to focus on and a career to look forward to. I've never liked dating anyway. Not fun. So, why am I bothering? Good question.
I will still consent to saying yes, if a guy were to ask me out. Saying no to a first date is just rude. I still have class. But, other than that, I'm out. I've got other things to devote my energy to.
So, this unfortunately turned into a long rant, and a self proclamation. Sorry about that. To sum up, though: I'm tired of being sad about being alone, so I'm choosing to be happy about having a good mind, which will lead me to a good life even if there isn't someone next to me throughout it.
I wish those of you who are married now, and will marry in the future, all the best. Congratulations. Know that you're blessed to have that experience. Be grateful for it.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have homework to do.
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