The Beginning of the End

These are the things I'm leaving. The parks, the beach, my friends and my "friends".

In 18 days I'll be driving away from "sunny" Florida.

Am I ready to say goodbye...?

Another Place for Me to Rant

I am now on Tumblr. 

Feel free to follow me, if you so choose.

http://kimmysoo.tumblr.com/

Essentially, when something comes to mind, I'm going to post it there. 

Random thoughts.

Helpful quotes.

Things that need to be remembered.

All found where I like to leave the thinks that I think.

No fear, mine faithful blog readers. I'll still be blogging regularly, right here. 

That is all.

Trials and Smiles

So... I'm sick. Not "ooooooooh! I'm dying!!" sick. Just a sore throat and cough. Which, in my line of work, is one of the worst things that can possibly happen. My voice is shot. It sounds awful, and hurts like hell. Therefore, I could be in trouble.

I'm probably going to the doctor today or tomorrow. Now, most of you know I'm not afraid of doctors. Doesn't bother me in the least bit to visit a medical establishment (unless people are barfing, I don't like barfing). HOWEVER, there is an exception. A strep test. Draw blood, x-ray me, MRI, I'd almost visit the GYNO before I'd ever want a strep test (calm down, I said almost). I hate them. Once, when I was eight, they had to have two nurses and my mom hold me down to get one. I think I kicked the nurse, in fact... I'm pretty sure I did. They're dreadful! I feel like they're choking me or something!! And, this time, I'll be all alone. Nobody to hold my hand.

I'm finding it interesting that everything reverts to me not having a boyfriend. I don't try to do that. It just always seems to come full circle, back to: Kim doesn't have anyone, and never will. I've been single for so long, I don't even know how long it's been anymore. *sigh* I used to think it couldn't get any worse, until a few weeks ago, it did.

Oh, yes. There's a boy. A really cute one. And, guess what! He doesn't even know I exist! I'm pretty sure he knows my name, and that's about it. It's driving me insane. I see him, and I think about him, and he makes me smile. But, as quickly as that smile springs to my lips, it's chased away by logic. He's popular, good looking (so good looking), and smart, which always ends badly for me. Always. Here's the kicker, though. Oh, yes, there's a kicker. We actually have some of the same interests! As if the Gods couldn't mock me anymore, they're dangling a guy right in front of me who I might actually have something with! 

Call it intuition, or wishful thinking, I know there is something to this guy. My instincts are screaming at me, telling me to get to know him, but I just can't find the opportunity. I don't know what to do! My time here is so limited. I can't let this slip through my fingers. I just can't. I've done that so many times before, but this time... I feel like it's more than a cheesy, little girl, crush. I feel like the fates may have actually dropped him right in my path for a reason. And whether that be to date, or to find a person to just talk to, I need to get to know him. I don't know why, but I just do. Like I said, there's something to him. Something about him... Ah! 

I hate this. 

On a new subject, simply because I don't want to talk about blog boy anymore (oh yes, I've titled him blog boy), I'm currently reading three books right now.

#1 Wuthering Heights

 It's alright so far. I'm not very far into it. I think I'll enjoy it, I may not go on and on about how much I love it. But, I'm not feeling it's a waste of time.

#2 A Game of Thrones

It's confusing, but starting to become less so (starting a new fantasy series is always a bit confusing in the beginning, so many people to meet, and places to see). I think I'm going to really like it. I've had my eye on George R. R. Martin for some time now, so I'm excited to see what he's all about.

#3 Capt. Hook

A delightful story of the younger Captain James Hook. Loving it. I'm about half done, and it's lots of fun. We all know how I feel about Jas Hook, so why wouldn't I like this? It's written by the man who wrote the screenplay for the film Hook (J.V. Hart). Which is one of my favorite versions of the good captain. Therefore, one can only conclude that I would more than enjoy this book. 

I believe that is all I have to blog about at this time. I'm off to find out about a doctor's appointment. I trust all of you will be holding my hand in spirit for my strep test. *sigh* I'm not going to say who I wish really would be... Great... Now I've depressed myself. 

Kittens playing in marshmallows!!

There. I feel a little better now. 

A Haunting

I'm fine. 

I just want to put that out there. 

No need for alarm. I'm fine.

I write this in hopes that certain "family" members of mine do not take part in my blogging adventures. It's unlikely, but as you've probably heard me say many times, you never know. With that little mini disclaimer, I'll proceed.

My little brother recently graduated Navy boot camp (or whatever variation of the title "boot camp" the Navy uses). I'm sure many of you didn't even know I had a brother. I do. Two of them, actually, both younger than I. At least, I used to. I state it in this manner for the simple fact that both of them have emailed me expressing their feelings to no longer have anything to do with me. I'm still confused as to why, and I'll spare you the sparse details I have. I just feel this particular blog may need a small amount of back ground. There you have it. 

Anywho, as I said, my once little brother is now in the U.S. Navy. My dad posted a few photos of the events at his graduation upon the infamous facebook. There they were: Dad, brother, brother, step mom. A nice picture perfect little family. Without me. Always without me. And, I don't think they'd have it any other way, to be honest. The one time I was actually there for a family picture, they asked me to step out of a some so as to appease my step mother. *sigh* Good times.

I'm really sad that I can't celebrate with the "family" and tell Sean that I'm proud of him. So proud... And he'll never know. He asked me not to contact him again, so I won't. Not even to tell him how brave I think he is, and that it's an honorable thing he's doing. 

I'm not going to lie, though. I think I'm more angry at myself for letting it hurt me. The fang of rejection pierced my heart so long ago, and it refuses to heal. The hole remains, pulsing with abandonment and denial. And, every once in a while, a little bit of my soul leaks through, reminding me that I'm incomplete.

Hope made me weary. I not longer look to a day of joyful reunions... Only tearful goodbyes. My faith in them has left me. Driven away by their storms of resentment.

I'm stronger than the torments of disappointment and dismissal. Yet, I'm haunted by them still. Forever in my head, snickering. Telling me I'm never going to be accepted by those I'm supposed to count on. Whispers of never being good enough plague my mind. 

It's fine.

I'm fine.

Just tired of the ghosts in the corner, with their vindictive smiles.

That is all.