Another One Bites the Dust

Alright. Not to get too "oh, poor me, I'm never getting married, I'm going to die alone with nothing but my imaginary friends for comfort" on you, but I do need to complain for a brief moment.

A dear friend of mine got married yesterday. That's awesome. I'm actually really happy for her. She's living in bliss and she deserves all the joy in the world. Truthfully, she isn't the driving force behind this (hopefully short) rant.

Another friend of mine was married off last week, too. Again, I'm very happy for her. She too, deserves love and wonderfulness. She, also, is not exactly the root of my angst. I wish them the best.

I wish both of these girls the best. They're lovely ladies and I hope they're in love forever and deliriously happy forever.

This morning, however, I find out today is the wedding day of a guy I once had a tiny little (read: raging) crush on. Thank you Facebook. Now, I know that sounds high school, but I have no other way of putting it. Some years ago I admired him and spoke a few times with him, and was sad I wasn't dating him, and decided not to pursue it because I was moving across the country very soon, and that was far away from him, and so there was no point, and waved goodbye to him in my head, and he was really good looking. I really, didn't know him that well. I just liked him, and I don't fall for guys easily, so at the time it was a big deal to me. But! I moved away and after a little while, hardly thought about him. Until today, I kind of figured that was it. Chapter closed.

Wrong!

I read on Facebook (from a mutual friend, I don't even follow him! Grr...) today he's marrying some girl I don't know who's probably pretty, and petite, and perfect. And, while I'm trying tremendously hard to be happy for him, I can't help but feel... disappointed. Not that I think I should be the one marrying him, or even dating him. Because I don't. Being where I am now, and being the person I am now is infinitely better than who and where I was then. I just feel a little worn out. I'm tired of watching all these people who are in my life, or were in my life, find amazing people to be with forever while I'm stuck here saying "congratulations" over and over and over and over...

Please don't misunderstand me. I am genuinely happy for them. I truthfully mean it when I hug them with a "best wishes". It's just difficult to say it when you're pretty sure it's never going to happen for you. I don't even need a dress, or a cake, or a dance, or a line of congratulators or best wishers. I really don't. In fact, at this point, I don't think I even want that.

Honestly, I don't know what I want. I'm so annoyed with saying "I want the man I marry to be this and/or that". I roll my eyes at the whole process!!

I suppose one could consider this my official withdrawal from the "dating game". I bequeath my dating status of "single and looking" onto those a tad younger than I, and retire. It's too much work, and too much of a let down. No more sizing up the guys that walk into the Institute building, or wedding ring checks. I may even quit wearing make-up.

No, no. That may be taking it too far. I think I'll still wear make-up.

I have school to focus on and a career to look forward to. I've never liked dating anyway. Not fun. So, why am I bothering? Good question.

I will still consent to saying yes, if a guy were to ask me out. Saying no to a first date is just rude. I still have class. But, other than that, I'm out. I've got other things to devote my energy to.

So, this unfortunately turned into a long rant, and a self proclamation. Sorry about that. To sum up, though: I'm tired of being sad about being alone, so I'm choosing to be happy about having a good mind, which will lead me to a good life even if there isn't someone next to me throughout it.

I wish those of you who are married now, and will marry in the future, all the best. Congratulations. Know that you're blessed to have that experience. Be grateful for it.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have homework to do.

H-A-Double L-O-W-Double E-N Spells...

Halloween!!

I just wanted to let you all know I'm very excited. My costume is picked out, and almost ready to go. This year I will be dressed as a Musketeer (specifically Athos, in case you were interested). My sister and dear friend Jaci will be my two companions. Trick-or-Treating may even be involved. I just have a hard time saying no to free candy. A girl's gotta eat, right?

Pictures will soon follow the festivities, so be ready.

I just can't contain my excitement! I've been a Musketeer fan for such a long time. I'm currently reading Twenty Years After (the sequel to Dumas' The Three Musketeers) and loving every minute of it. Dumas has such a unique way of storytelling, and is utterly hilarious. He's definitely one of my favorites. Which, if I do say so myself, is saying something.

So! Enjoy the festive look of the blog, and do let me know and/or show me pictures of your costumes. I'm looking forward to all of the wonderful ideas people are going to come up with. For one night, people get to be someone else. It's such a lovely thought. Being someone different only for a moment. You get to choose who you're going to be. Maybe that's why my love for Halloween will live forever. I can choose who I am. Instead of being afraid of confrontation, or wimpy, I get to be dashing and daring. WITH A SWORD. Did I mention that awesome little detail? I get a sword! It's going to be an incredible night...

Boo!

The Middle of the Term

That's right! Mid-terms!!

Thankfully mine are broken into two weeks so I don't have to take five exams in one day. But still! I am really not in any mood to take scary tests. Nor am I in the mood to study for them. See? Here I am blogging about nothing just to put off the hours of "cramming".

Psychology is going to kill me. I was really hoping to minor in it, however the teaching style of my professor isn't meshing with my try really hard not to let my mind wander off or fall asleep learning style. Grr... I feel kind of bad too. She's a nice lady.

Then there's Tai Chi. Will you allow me to first express how much I love Tai Chi? Thank you. I love Tai Chi. A lot. Any who, that mid-term won't be so bad. I'm not entirely stressed about memorizing a few (or fifteen) principals of a martial art. No biggie.

International Relations. I did well on the first exam and if it's anything like that, I should be okay. I did some good research on weapons of mass destruction, and I'm basically a pro debater on the Israel/Palestine conflict (except I'm really not, debating is SCARY). This class is my favorite. Even if our subject matter does make you want to kill yourself.

Philosophy. Oh... Philosophy. I get the concepts, and I'll probably do alright. I'm not so good at finding things wrong with ancient theories. I get this feeling that they just can't be right, but ask me for a way to prove it wrong, and all I can do is shrug my shoulders and say "... just cause?" Not. Good. Also, Aristotle is a twerp, and if he comes up in an essay question I will more than likely say that. Sorry not sorry.

Lastly, there's math. The bane of my pitiful existence. Actually, math this semester is going rather well. I think, for once in my life, it's not my biggest, baddest, most crippling fear. Huh... Who'd a thunk?

Alright, faithful readers. I'm going to skedaddle and learn/relearn/memorize millions of facts* only to forget them a week later.

Oh! Before I go I feel the need to thank you all for the outpouring of nice things you said regarding my last post. I have many supportive people in my circle and I'm honored to know each and every one of you. Many, many thanks.

Buh-bye!


*Could you imagine if one had to actually memorize a million facts in one sitting? I'd die.

Single and Shameful

Yes... Yes... I've been away.

Not really sure why. Blogging just didn't come easy for awhile. But! I'm feeling the blog bug again, so here I am.

Still single. Try to hold back your shock. *sarcasm*

Really, though. It freaking sucks being a tad bit older than all the other single LDS girls. I'm 27 and feel like a complete failure for not being married. One of the reasons I left the Single's Ward, if you want the truth. I shouldn't feel like I'm failing or doing something wrong. ESPECIALLY at church. It sucks the spirit right out of you when someone shakes your hand and says "so... seeing anybody...?". No. As a matter of fact I'm not seeing anybody. Thank you for taking what little self esteem I had left. The house of the Lord is not the place to be feeling bad about yourself. It's also not the place for people to be telling you you're doing something wrong if you're not dating. Not everyone fits into the perfect Mormon cookie cutter life. Some of us need things other than husbands. I, for one, need to be ridiculously careful in selecting an "eternal companion". It'd be nice if some of our church leaders recognized that and respected us enough to at least pretend to support our life choices. Really! It'd be a breath of fresh air, just once, to have a Bishopric member say "keep doing what you're doing, you're living a good life and making good choices" instead of asking "why aren't you dating anyone?"

Please don't misunderstand me. I really do get that marriage is important. I know and understand it's a priority to strive for and to work towards. But, I'm doing everything that I can. I put myself out there. I go to activities. I "participate". It's not my fault I'm not asked out on dates. I work hard at looking my best. I smile. I live the way I want my future spouse to live. I try to be the kind of person I want him to be. It really can't be my fault that I'm not pretty enough, or cool enough, or smart enough for guys to notice. What more am I supposed to do? I must be doing something wrong, because you keep telling me I am.

I know someone who heard a church speaker say that men are a menace to society if they're over 26 and unmarried.

And, we wonder why there's such a high suicide rate.

Stop. Just stop. I left the Singles ward because I felt like a failure. A church leader should NEVER infer that someone is a failure. EVER. Got that? NEVER EVER.

Please.

Please just stop it.

I shouldn't walk out of sacrament meeting holding back tears. Christ and Heavenly Father love me despite the fact that my Facebook's relationship status may forever be labeled "single". Don't they? You pressuring me to find someone makes me question that. And, that scares me. This child is loved just as much as His married children. Please tell me I'm right about that...

But! I left that ward. I'm back at my home ward and feeling much better about my spiritual ways. They shanghaied me into joining the ward choir, and a few weeks ago I was called to teach the wee little Sunbeams. Now, I'm freaked out in good ways. In ways that will help me to learn things, and better myself. Not in ways where I end up hating who I am.

So this rant ended up being a long one. My bad. I don't mean offense to the wonderful Bishopric I had. I really do love them, and miss them. They love all of us and only want what's best. The best thing for me, was to leave. I will still be forever grateful for all they've done for me. I'll love them forever.

Hopefully, one day, I'll be able to report some good news on the dating front. Until then, we'll just talk about other things, shall we?

Good night all...

Because I Know You're All Wondering

I know everyone on Facebook is just dying to know what happened, or why it happened, or how it happened. Frankly, I’m still trying to convince myself it even happened at all. It was so awesome, and different, and real. But, so very fast. Over before I could even grab onto it. I find myself, once again, whispering Kim’s famous last words... “so close”. Well, close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades. And, while I feel like throwing both, this was not that kind of game.

In truth, it wasn’t a game at all. Which only makes my loss all the more bitter. I can’t shrug and say “can’t win ‘em all” then forget about it. I tried this time. I mean, really tried. Made effort, opened up, didn’t lie, tried new things, and made changes I never dreamed I’d be willing to think about, let alone actually go through with. But, in the end it didn’t matter.

Truly, it’s my own fault.

But! I’m already ahead of myself and none of you know what I’m talking about. So, let me go back just a touch and shed some light on why I’m alone. Again.

For this blog’s purposes we’ll call him Boy From the Musical. That’s where we met, in case you were wondering. We met, we talked, we hit it off, things were fine. Then one little sentence changes everything. EVERYTHING. He says to me “I’d seriously consider dating you, if you were active in the church.”

What...? Are you kidding me with this?! You cannot possibly be serious.

A. Are you serious?

B. I’m perfectly happy NOT going to church, thank you very much

C. Are you serious?

D. It’s dating, you’re not asking me to marry you

E. Really, are you serious?

Well, I liked him. More than I should have, really. So, I proceed to plead my non-active status case to him. My plan being to lawyer my way into his heart, be together for awhile, and then go our separate ways. Nothing too serious. We’re young. An expiration date was fine with me. In fact, IT WAS THE PLAN. So, that’s what I try to do. In retrospect, that’s the moment I should have walked away. I thought it then, actually. He was understanding, but solid. He wanted to date an active church girl, and I’m not one. I knew to end it right then and there, or I was going to get into trouble. “Walk away, Kim. Be done right now, you’re at a stalemate, just let him go.” I didn’t want anything long term with him, I should have checked out. However, I liked him. There was something different about him. He was... a good one. And, I knew that.

So, I thought about it. And, thought about it. Then, I thought about it even more. This guy had such conviction, but I didn’t want the things he wanted. I only wanted him. He made me laugh. I was comfortable around him. I wasn’t “on show” when I was with him. I was me. The guy was smart, and could dress himself (very well, might I add) and... wait a minute. He’s got a lot going for him. Next thing I know, I can’t get him out of my head. He was stuck there. Something was pulling me to him, telling me to fight for him. And, I knew there was only one way to do that.

So, the next time I see him, I tell him I’ll go to church.

What?! What am I doing?! Choosing a religion for a guy who hasn’t even asked me out yet? I AM A CRAZY PERSON. But! I was honest about it with him. I told him point blank “I’m doing this for you.” I wanted him to know he was the reason, that I was doing it to make him happy.

Here I am, a month later, with new found faith and no boy. I absolutely loathe a hypocrite. So, I boxed up all other religious items I had that got me by in terms of “spirituality". I sent away all my immodest clothes. Coffee drinking, including decaf, is out. Can you imagine?! Kim without a cup of coffee? Believe it, readers. I even started reading (for the first time in my life, I’ll have you know) the Book of Mormon. Finished it in a week and a half.

And, you know what? I feel good. Better than good, actually. I’m working hard, and am loving every minute of it. I’ve learned there are things I want, that I didn’t even know I wanted. If that makes any sense to anyone. I believe this church now, more than I did the entire time I was active, it feels like.

But, I’m still alone.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m wholeheartedly grateful for the incredible things, both old and new, that I have in my life. I see many more of my blessings now, and I’m finding more to be thankful for everyday. But, I’m still sad.

Boy From the Musical and I dated for a little while. Casually for the most part. For five whole days we were “official” if that means anything. He’s gone now, though. He leaves for school quite soon, and wanted to keep it an “open relationship” while he was away. And, while that is more than understandable, I can’t. I don’t have it in me. While, I’d love to be a girl who can date more than one guy, and only have her feelings partially involved, I’m not that girl. If I have feelings for someone, whether we’re together or not, I don’t even want to look at another. No one will be as good as that someone. All will pale in comparison. That’s just who I am. I’m loyal, if you want me to be or not.

So, we walked away from each other. And, it’s horrible. I went into this thing fully expecting short term. I learned along the way, however, that to not have Boy From the Musical in my life would be a terrible thing. Unimaginable, rather. Yet, here I am. Questioning whether finding someone to hold my hand through life is something I’ll ever know. My faith in the Lord, albeit new, is rock solid. I only wonder if he doesn’t have anyone for me. Maybe His plan for me is to be “me” and not a “we”. I’m rapidly approaching the deadline for old maid-hood. I hope and I pray that I won’t be without someone for very long, or forever, though. I’m trying to stick with the faith that there is someone even better for me (if that’s at all possible, Boy From the Musical was pretty amazing).

Any who, that’s the gist of why Kim and Boy From the Musical didn’t make it. I’m sad about it, and I miss him dearly. But, I’m fine. I’ve got extra help now.

Sometimes, Sad Things Happen

This is an incredibly personal entry, so please forgive me. Earlier today I said goodbye to a brilliant friendship. We lasted two years being apart and living at opposite ends of the country. But, sometimes... friendships just don't last.

It's quite sad, really. We both tried the best we could. I guess life got in the way. Her life got too stressful, and my life became to sad. Due to the circumstances of our situations, we weren't able to help each other and got hurt. The insurmountable pain that comes with losing your best friend to something beyond your control is not something even I can put into words. Maybe if our problems had run consecutively instead of concurrently, things would have turned out differently. But, they didn't. So we said goodbye.

I was honest in how I felt, I did the best I could, it wasn't enough, though. And, my soul is just sick because of it. It never crossed my mind that my best friend and I could have an expiration date. I don't think it crossed anyone's mind. I would say it's the end of an era, but it's so much more than that. It's the death of something beautiful.

We met while I was living in Florida, and were near inseparable. Closer than sisters. Two kids whom the world didn't understand, but they understood one another. We were each other's breath of fresh air. I almost didn't move home because of her. I couldn't imagine not seeing her everyday. We went a year apart. Speaking on the phone or the internet at least weekly. I visited, and it was like one were never away from the other. We knew we would be okay. We had each other. Until this summer. I lost a lot this summer. And, today I added a best friend to the list. We said goodbye.

There's still a little smile in my heart, though. We had some amazing (amazing isn't a big enough word) memories. For a long time I had a partner in crime. I don't think I'll find anyone to geek out with to the level in which she could. She's the reason I read the Harry Potter books, and I will be forever grateful to her. No one will discuss fantasy novels (or books at all, for that matter) in such a stimulating way as she does. She get so tickled when I made "fry sauce" all the time. I had a pirate birthday party for my 24th. It was fun. She threw it for me. Put the whole thing together. Her and I had a very convincing way of proving that Cinderella and her step sister Drizella were the best of friends. We even had a costume Christmas party. Like I said... Quite an amazing slew of memories. I guess you could say we had a good run.

I will miss her. I already do. I wish her all the best in the world. And, I hope she continues to write, she had some great ideas. I'm confident she'll find the love she's looking for. I'm not worried about her. She's pretty stubborn, and will claw her way out of her current unfortunate situations. I do hope she'll think of me from time to time, and maybe smile. I know I won't forget her. We had a beautiful friendship. Although we may be going our separate ways, I'll treasure the things she's taught me, and she'll always have a place in my heart.

A New Post!

I feel like, since I started my other blog, this little internet space hasn't seen as much love. So! I've decided to post a little ditty, just to say hello to you all, and to keep my mad blogging skills sharp. Woot woot.

Not a whole lot has happened in my life since my last "update". I do finally have my own room, which I thank the gods for. My mom and I have done quite a bit of work on her house. Sorting, cleaning, furniture moving, ect... We're actually starting to see some progress, which is encouraging.

I'm attending childbirth classes with my sister. They talk about a lot of uncomfortable things, not much of which is relevent to my life, but I am learning some interesting things. I got to say, though, the videos aren't the best. The videos I saw in 10th grade health class were much more gruesome. Oh well. Aly is doing just fine. Two more months and my niece will be here. Very exciting.

As I stated earlier, I started a new blog. I'm sure most of you have heard already. I'm quite proud of it. I'm writing at least four times a week, which is really good for me. Keeping the juices flowing, if you know what I mean. If you haven't wandered over there yet, please do. It's all about me trying to find beauty in everyday occurances. As you all know, I've taken quite a few beatings these past few months, and the new blog is a place for me to look harder, and see that good things still exist. Sometimes it doesn't seem like there is any light left in the world, and this blog proves you can still find hope, if you know how to look. Any who, The Beauty in Thought is a nice (no hate) blog, where I can contribute a little happy into the universe. Click here to see what's going on over there.

There you have it friends... Evie, Sphinx, Maggie, Betta Fish, Willie, Honey, Chewey, Tucker and I say "hello!"