Punkins!

We carved 'em!

I decided it's time for a happy post. This blog has been a bit dismal lately. So, we're going to talk about Halloween and stuff!

The above photo is after we'd all finished carving our masterpieces. Aren't they beautiful?! Yes. Yes they are.

Aly is making a pig face in honor of her "horned hog" punkin. Uncle Scotty is saying something to me, so neither he nor I were ready for the photo. Needless to day, this picture cracks me up.

Here are our punkins, in all their glory, on the front porch. Being all happy. Trick or treat!

I was so excited to carve a pirate punkin. He's perfect!

I'm a proud punkin mamma.

See! We go together! I make an excellent pirate. It's a match made in Halloween heaven!

We had tons of fun carving our punkins. There were punkin innards EVERYWHERE. It was perfectly disgusting. So much freaking fun.

This year I'll be dressing up as Trinity (from The Matrix). I'm pretty excited. I'm predicting I'll look quite bad ass. There will be trick or treating. Oh... There WILL be trick or treating. People are obligated to give me free candy. I will be collecting.

Happy Halloweeeeeeeeeeen!

Brooding in the Basement

I feel like that's all I do. Brood.

Brood: to dwell on a subject or to meditate with morbid persistence

I sit downstairs in my dungeon and get all moody about events, or something someone says, or where my life is. It's disgusting. Here's an example of what I'm currently brooding over:

8:53 PM

"Kim has to take me to the store later, I'm out of cigarettes"

No. No, she doesn't HAVE to take you. You could ask her if she will take you. You could mention it to her earlier in the day, so she can doesn't get comfy and cozy and settled in for the night. You could walk the entire block and a half to fetch your flaming cancer sticks, yourself. Piss off.

Here is where the "embrace the crazy" comes to play. I plan things. The first thing I do when I wake up, before I even get out of bed, is open my eyes and think "Today I have planned A, B, and C". It really throws me off to have some sort of event tossed at me. I'm not saying this causes a freak out. I'm only illustrating that I don't like it. I need time to process things. I need to determine how I feel about what will be happening (I like this, I don't like this, I'm scared of this, I'm excited for this, you get the idea). I hate when things are just sprung on me. Ask anyone, I don't like surprises. Not one tiny little bit. Maybe, surprises in the mail are alright, but even that's pushing it. Surprises, whether intense or trivial, throw me into an internal temper tantrum. It's a fear/anger response. As if all of a sudden, I'm 100% unprepared and in the dark.

"Kim has to take me to the store later, I'm out of cigarettes" leads me to feelings of:

• Fear- I don't like driving at night. Um, I really don't like driving AT ALL, but it's a "part of life" I have accepted. I try very hard to do it well, so to avoid the terrifying circumstance of a car accident. I've been in two serious ones, it's a valid fear.
• Disorder- I feel almost completely out of control. All of a sudden my night of blogging on Tumblr, television watching, and reading has turned into chaos. It, indeed, isn't chaos, but it feels like it. I no longer have control of my environment.
• Fear again- disorder leads to chaos, chaos leads to getting overwhelmed, being overwhelmed leads to panic. Panic = fear. Panic is bad. Panic is, quite often, the cause of many of my "harmful behaviors", which is another topic for another day.
• Anger- I feel like I'm being taken advantage of. What gives you the right to demand I take you places? I owe you NOTHING. I am under no obligation to you whatsoever. You will NOT find yourself taking advantage of me. I don't let anyone do that to me. Think you're different? Try me.

It's a matter of principal. But... I also feel like I can't say anything about it. Most of the family doesn't understand the inter workings of my fortress of a mind. Therefore, I look like the bitch of the century who thinks herself too good to help out someone who needs our unconditional support, no questions asked. Gah!

Remind me to add frustrated to the list up there.

On an unrelated topic: I would like to say hello to all of the random, delightful, people from around the globe who stop by this little bitty blog. Hello! You can't see me waving, but I am. Promise. I hope you all enjoy my rantings of me being a crazy person. A single, kind of lonely sometimes, adorable crazy girl. With no boyfriend. I'm talking to the few of you from Europe and other places. Who wants an American wife?! Just kidding...

Sort of.

Lemons, Losing, Love and Halloween (Which Doesn't Begin with the Letter L, Sorry)

Just a few things to report...

A. Today I cleaned. And cleaned, and cleaned, and cleaned. My lair is so freaking lemon-y fresh, it's like that part in Soarin' Over California when you fly into the orange grove. But... with lemons.

Deux. My football team gained a new player (whom I'm not so sure I like) then lost tonight. Unless my cousin Andrea is asking you, then you tell her they won. Got that? Won.

3. I have fallen in love with a few new things. Them being:

• The Vampire Lestat by Anne Rice
• The television program Torchwood
• Showering at night instead of in the morning
• Cinnamon raisin bagels
• My new* cedar chest
• Driving to the musical number Ride of the Valkyries
• The sweater Chewey wears when he's cold

IV. My blog has been Halloween-ified! It makes me really happy. Halloween is one of my favorite things, not to mention it's my "religious" holiday. I'm definitely looking forward to some Samhain festivities.

fin

*not so much new, and more like have had it for a really long time and have only now had the means, and space, to put it together and enjoy it

I'd Like to Think I'm Memorable.

I'm not hoping to turn this blog into the chronicles of my finding "love". However, I would just like to take a small moment and express my frustrations with said subject matter.

These are the following reasons I'm unforgettable:

1. I make all kinds of sound effects as I move about
2. I try my damnedest to avoid sidewalk lines
3. I strive to improve my everyday vocabulary
4. My facial expressions are not only animated, but unstoppable
5. It's disgusting how I can find the silver lining in EVERYTHING
6. I don't have the ability to resist a good (or completely terrible) pun

I could go on. The point I'm trying to make is I'm not boring nor ordinary. Why do I feel the need to state the obvious? Because, on more than one occasion, I've been "forgotten" about. A couple months ago a certain dude, answered the door saying "Oh, I forgot you were coming over". I had called him an hour and a half earlier. AN HOUR AND A HALF. What?!

This last weekend I was to meet a chap for some football watching. "I'll let you know what time" he told me. So, what did I do? I waited. And waited. And... waited. The next day (after I asked him about it) he tells me he decided not to go; clearly forgetting to inform me. Now, I'm not going to say I sat at home most of the day, all done up and cute looking in my perfectly selected football outfit. Well, I'm not going to say that out loud.

Any who, I just want to say: I'm annoyed. This is ridiculous. Completely absurd.

That is all.

Embrace the Crazy

That's what I've decided to do. Embrace it. Love it. Be it. I feel like my life and future will be a whole lot less complicated. Not necessarily easier, just a little more "figured out".

What does this mean, you ask? Let me explain.

I'm crazy. Full blown, defined and diagnosed, crazy. Some people don't know that. Many people don't know that. Some don't know that I've been seeing a counselor since I was 19. Others don't know I've been hospitalized on more than one occasion. It's not a big deal. And, it's not that I don't like to talk about it. I just tend to not bring it up. I'm not ashamed, nor sad about it. At this point in my life, I'm rather indifferent about it. It's a part of me, and it's shaped me into the person I am today. Now, that being said, I would like to clarify that I am not sociopathic, homicidal, nor has it made me any sort of genius or female Rain Man. I have gained a little (or a crap load) of wisdom, though. I see life differently than most. My priorities can seem a little "off". The speed at which my brain thinks can be breathtaking, literally. Every once in a while it goes into overdrive and problems result; for the most part, though, I can blend in with others and have a semi "normal" existence.

Which brings me to my new philosophy. No longer do I wish to "blend in" as previously stated. Please don't confuse me with saying I want to stand out for attention, or become some sort of anti-social creature. I'm only stating that I'm very tired of thinking about everything twice, or filtering. It's as if I have a thought, then I have to re-think it to determine how to act "out loud". Oh dear, that makes no sense. Let me think... (do you see part of my problem?!) Alright, someone says something, or something happens, (the cause) and I react (the effect). Pretty normal, yes? Only, it doesn't stop there. There's more than one reaction. It's like cause, react, react, react. First I have my initial, instinctive reaction. It's internal, and the most natural thing for me to think or feel. Then, I have a more conscious, "what should I think" reaction to the cause. What's a normal thought to have in this situation? How am I supposed to feel in an event like this? Lastly, I have an actual "out loud" reaction. Not always verbal; sometimes it's a facial expression, or a random grunt or giggle. It's the effect that other people see or hear. The... social reaction, if you will.

Can you understand how one can get very weary doing all this reacting? It's exhausting to be doing all this thinking. Why can't I just think what I think? I don't feel like my original thoughts are "wrong", I just feel they'd be "unaccepted". As if people will judge me, or no longer "like me".

This is why my social life has taken such a dive. It's too much. I care too much what all of these people are thinking of me. It's gotten so bad, that I've developed an extremely heightened sense of self awareness. When I walk into a room of people, I rapidly plan where and how to sit down. What to do with my hands. How to adjust my clothes. How I'm going to laugh when there's a joke. Where my vocal inflection is going to be when I ask about other's lives. All of it. Can you see why my brain is worn out? I have little ability to be my natural self.

Any who, I've had enough of it. I'm going to re-train my mind to have only one effect per cause. If this is how I feel about something, this is how I feel. The end. I need to quit with the second guessing, and re-thinking. Don't plan out what I want others to see me as. Just be. If other's are confused by my behavior or reasoning, so be it. I'll be more than happy to explain why I think what I think, or why I see what I see. Because that's me... and I'm not ashamed. I am who I am.