Another One Bites the Dust

Alright. Not to get too "oh, poor me, I'm never getting married, I'm going to die alone with nothing but my imaginary friends for comfort" on you, but I do need to complain for a brief moment.

A dear friend of mine got married yesterday. That's awesome. I'm actually really happy for her. She's living in bliss and she deserves all the joy in the world. Truthfully, she isn't the driving force behind this (hopefully short) rant.

Another friend of mine was married off last week, too. Again, I'm very happy for her. She too, deserves love and wonderfulness. She, also, is not exactly the root of my angst. I wish them the best.

I wish both of these girls the best. They're lovely ladies and I hope they're in love forever and deliriously happy forever.

This morning, however, I find out today is the wedding day of a guy I once had a tiny little (read: raging) crush on. Thank you Facebook. Now, I know that sounds high school, but I have no other way of putting it. Some years ago I admired him and spoke a few times with him, and was sad I wasn't dating him, and decided not to pursue it because I was moving across the country very soon, and that was far away from him, and so there was no point, and waved goodbye to him in my head, and he was really good looking. I really, didn't know him that well. I just liked him, and I don't fall for guys easily, so at the time it was a big deal to me. But! I moved away and after a little while, hardly thought about him. Until today, I kind of figured that was it. Chapter closed.

Wrong!

I read on Facebook (from a mutual friend, I don't even follow him! Grr...) today he's marrying some girl I don't know who's probably pretty, and petite, and perfect. And, while I'm trying tremendously hard to be happy for him, I can't help but feel... disappointed. Not that I think I should be the one marrying him, or even dating him. Because I don't. Being where I am now, and being the person I am now is infinitely better than who and where I was then. I just feel a little worn out. I'm tired of watching all these people who are in my life, or were in my life, find amazing people to be with forever while I'm stuck here saying "congratulations" over and over and over and over...

Please don't misunderstand me. I am genuinely happy for them. I truthfully mean it when I hug them with a "best wishes". It's just difficult to say it when you're pretty sure it's never going to happen for you. I don't even need a dress, or a cake, or a dance, or a line of congratulators or best wishers. I really don't. In fact, at this point, I don't think I even want that.

Honestly, I don't know what I want. I'm so annoyed with saying "I want the man I marry to be this and/or that". I roll my eyes at the whole process!!

I suppose one could consider this my official withdrawal from the "dating game". I bequeath my dating status of "single and looking" onto those a tad younger than I, and retire. It's too much work, and too much of a let down. No more sizing up the guys that walk into the Institute building, or wedding ring checks. I may even quit wearing make-up.

No, no. That may be taking it too far. I think I'll still wear make-up.

I have school to focus on and a career to look forward to. I've never liked dating anyway. Not fun. So, why am I bothering? Good question.

I will still consent to saying yes, if a guy were to ask me out. Saying no to a first date is just rude. I still have class. But, other than that, I'm out. I've got other things to devote my energy to.

So, this unfortunately turned into a long rant, and a self proclamation. Sorry about that. To sum up, though: I'm tired of being sad about being alone, so I'm choosing to be happy about having a good mind, which will lead me to a good life even if there isn't someone next to me throughout it.

I wish those of you who are married now, and will marry in the future, all the best. Congratulations. Know that you're blessed to have that experience. Be grateful for it.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have homework to do.

H-A-Double L-O-W-Double E-N Spells...

Halloween!!

I just wanted to let you all know I'm very excited. My costume is picked out, and almost ready to go. This year I will be dressed as a Musketeer (specifically Athos, in case you were interested). My sister and dear friend Jaci will be my two companions. Trick-or-Treating may even be involved. I just have a hard time saying no to free candy. A girl's gotta eat, right?

Pictures will soon follow the festivities, so be ready.

I just can't contain my excitement! I've been a Musketeer fan for such a long time. I'm currently reading Twenty Years After (the sequel to Dumas' The Three Musketeers) and loving every minute of it. Dumas has such a unique way of storytelling, and is utterly hilarious. He's definitely one of my favorites. Which, if I do say so myself, is saying something.

So! Enjoy the festive look of the blog, and do let me know and/or show me pictures of your costumes. I'm looking forward to all of the wonderful ideas people are going to come up with. For one night, people get to be someone else. It's such a lovely thought. Being someone different only for a moment. You get to choose who you're going to be. Maybe that's why my love for Halloween will live forever. I can choose who I am. Instead of being afraid of confrontation, or wimpy, I get to be dashing and daring. WITH A SWORD. Did I mention that awesome little detail? I get a sword! It's going to be an incredible night...

Boo!

The Middle of the Term

That's right! Mid-terms!!

Thankfully mine are broken into two weeks so I don't have to take five exams in one day. But still! I am really not in any mood to take scary tests. Nor am I in the mood to study for them. See? Here I am blogging about nothing just to put off the hours of "cramming".

Psychology is going to kill me. I was really hoping to minor in it, however the teaching style of my professor isn't meshing with my try really hard not to let my mind wander off or fall asleep learning style. Grr... I feel kind of bad too. She's a nice lady.

Then there's Tai Chi. Will you allow me to first express how much I love Tai Chi? Thank you. I love Tai Chi. A lot. Any who, that mid-term won't be so bad. I'm not entirely stressed about memorizing a few (or fifteen) principals of a martial art. No biggie.

International Relations. I did well on the first exam and if it's anything like that, I should be okay. I did some good research on weapons of mass destruction, and I'm basically a pro debater on the Israel/Palestine conflict (except I'm really not, debating is SCARY). This class is my favorite. Even if our subject matter does make you want to kill yourself.

Philosophy. Oh... Philosophy. I get the concepts, and I'll probably do alright. I'm not so good at finding things wrong with ancient theories. I get this feeling that they just can't be right, but ask me for a way to prove it wrong, and all I can do is shrug my shoulders and say "... just cause?" Not. Good. Also, Aristotle is a twerp, and if he comes up in an essay question I will more than likely say that. Sorry not sorry.

Lastly, there's math. The bane of my pitiful existence. Actually, math this semester is going rather well. I think, for once in my life, it's not my biggest, baddest, most crippling fear. Huh... Who'd a thunk?

Alright, faithful readers. I'm going to skedaddle and learn/relearn/memorize millions of facts* only to forget them a week later.

Oh! Before I go I feel the need to thank you all for the outpouring of nice things you said regarding my last post. I have many supportive people in my circle and I'm honored to know each and every one of you. Many, many thanks.

Buh-bye!


*Could you imagine if one had to actually memorize a million facts in one sitting? I'd die.

Single and Shameful

Yes... Yes... I've been away.

Not really sure why. Blogging just didn't come easy for awhile. But! I'm feeling the blog bug again, so here I am.

Still single. Try to hold back your shock. *sarcasm*

Really, though. It freaking sucks being a tad bit older than all the other single LDS girls. I'm 27 and feel like a complete failure for not being married. One of the reasons I left the Single's Ward, if you want the truth. I shouldn't feel like I'm failing or doing something wrong. ESPECIALLY at church. It sucks the spirit right out of you when someone shakes your hand and says "so... seeing anybody...?". No. As a matter of fact I'm not seeing anybody. Thank you for taking what little self esteem I had left. The house of the Lord is not the place to be feeling bad about yourself. It's also not the place for people to be telling you you're doing something wrong if you're not dating. Not everyone fits into the perfect Mormon cookie cutter life. Some of us need things other than husbands. I, for one, need to be ridiculously careful in selecting an "eternal companion". It'd be nice if some of our church leaders recognized that and respected us enough to at least pretend to support our life choices. Really! It'd be a breath of fresh air, just once, to have a Bishopric member say "keep doing what you're doing, you're living a good life and making good choices" instead of asking "why aren't you dating anyone?"

Please don't misunderstand me. I really do get that marriage is important. I know and understand it's a priority to strive for and to work towards. But, I'm doing everything that I can. I put myself out there. I go to activities. I "participate". It's not my fault I'm not asked out on dates. I work hard at looking my best. I smile. I live the way I want my future spouse to live. I try to be the kind of person I want him to be. It really can't be my fault that I'm not pretty enough, or cool enough, or smart enough for guys to notice. What more am I supposed to do? I must be doing something wrong, because you keep telling me I am.

I know someone who heard a church speaker say that men are a menace to society if they're over 26 and unmarried.

And, we wonder why there's such a high suicide rate.

Stop. Just stop. I left the Singles ward because I felt like a failure. A church leader should NEVER infer that someone is a failure. EVER. Got that? NEVER EVER.

Please.

Please just stop it.

I shouldn't walk out of sacrament meeting holding back tears. Christ and Heavenly Father love me despite the fact that my Facebook's relationship status may forever be labeled "single". Don't they? You pressuring me to find someone makes me question that. And, that scares me. This child is loved just as much as His married children. Please tell me I'm right about that...

But! I left that ward. I'm back at my home ward and feeling much better about my spiritual ways. They shanghaied me into joining the ward choir, and a few weeks ago I was called to teach the wee little Sunbeams. Now, I'm freaked out in good ways. In ways that will help me to learn things, and better myself. Not in ways where I end up hating who I am.

So this rant ended up being a long one. My bad. I don't mean offense to the wonderful Bishopric I had. I really do love them, and miss them. They love all of us and only want what's best. The best thing for me, was to leave. I will still be forever grateful for all they've done for me. I'll love them forever.

Hopefully, one day, I'll be able to report some good news on the dating front. Until then, we'll just talk about other things, shall we?

Good night all...