What does this mean, you ask? Let me explain.
I'm crazy. Full blown, defined and diagnosed, crazy. Some people don't know that. Many people don't know that. Some don't know that I've been seeing a counselor since I was 19. Others don't know I've been hospitalized on more than one occasion. It's not a big deal. And, it's not that I don't like to talk about it. I just tend to not bring it up. I'm not ashamed, nor sad about it. At this point in my life, I'm rather indifferent about it. It's a part of me, and it's shaped me into the person I am today. Now, that being said, I would like to clarify that I am not sociopathic, homicidal, nor has it made me any sort of genius or female Rain Man. I have gained a little (or a crap load) of wisdom, though. I see life differently than most. My priorities can seem a little "off". The speed at which my brain thinks can be breathtaking, literally. Every once in a while it goes into overdrive and problems result; for the most part, though, I can blend in with others and have a semi "normal" existence.
Which brings me to my new philosophy. No longer do I wish to "blend in" as previously stated. Please don't confuse me with saying I want to stand out for attention, or become some sort of anti-social creature. I'm only stating that I'm very tired of thinking about everything twice, or filtering. It's as if I have a thought, then I have to re-think it to determine how to act "out loud". Oh dear, that makes no sense. Let me think... (do you see part of my problem?!) Alright, someone says something, or something happens, (the cause) and I react (the effect). Pretty normal, yes? Only, it doesn't stop there. There's more than one reaction. It's like cause, react, react, react. First I have my initial, instinctive reaction. It's internal, and the most natural thing for me to think or feel. Then, I have a more conscious, "what should I think" reaction to the cause. What's a normal thought to have in this situation? How am I supposed to feel in an event like this? Lastly, I have an actual "out loud" reaction. Not always verbal; sometimes it's a facial expression, or a random grunt or giggle. It's the effect that other people see or hear. The... social reaction, if you will.
Can you understand how one can get very weary doing all this reacting? It's exhausting to be doing all this thinking. Why can't I just think what I think? I don't feel like my original thoughts are "wrong", I just feel they'd be "unaccepted". As if people will judge me, or no longer "like me".
This is why my social life has taken such a dive. It's too much. I care too much what all of these people are thinking of me. It's gotten so bad, that I've developed an extremely heightened sense of self awareness. When I walk into a room of people, I rapidly plan where and how to sit down. What to do with my hands. How to adjust my clothes. How I'm going to laugh when there's a joke. Where my vocal inflection is going to be when I ask about other's lives. All of it. Can you see why my brain is worn out? I have little ability to be my natural self.
Any who, I've had enough of it. I'm going to re-train my mind to have only one effect per cause. If this is how I feel about something, this is how I feel. The end. I need to quit with the second guessing, and re-thinking. Don't plan out what I want others to see me as. Just be. If other's are confused by my behavior or reasoning, so be it. I'll be more than happy to explain why I think what I think, or why I see what I see. Because that's me... and I'm not ashamed. I am who I am.
1 comment:
Go Kim! We love you just the way you are! Definitely don't worry what others think, and be yourself!
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