Brooding in the Basement

I feel like that's all I do. Brood.

Brood: to dwell on a subject or to meditate with morbid persistence

I sit downstairs in my dungeon and get all moody about events, or something someone says, or where my life is. It's disgusting. Here's an example of what I'm currently brooding over:

8:53 PM

"Kim has to take me to the store later, I'm out of cigarettes"

No. No, she doesn't HAVE to take you. You could ask her if she will take you. You could mention it to her earlier in the day, so she can doesn't get comfy and cozy and settled in for the night. You could walk the entire block and a half to fetch your flaming cancer sticks, yourself. Piss off.

Here is where the "embrace the crazy" comes to play. I plan things. The first thing I do when I wake up, before I even get out of bed, is open my eyes and think "Today I have planned A, B, and C". It really throws me off to have some sort of event tossed at me. I'm not saying this causes a freak out. I'm only illustrating that I don't like it. I need time to process things. I need to determine how I feel about what will be happening (I like this, I don't like this, I'm scared of this, I'm excited for this, you get the idea). I hate when things are just sprung on me. Ask anyone, I don't like surprises. Not one tiny little bit. Maybe, surprises in the mail are alright, but even that's pushing it. Surprises, whether intense or trivial, throw me into an internal temper tantrum. It's a fear/anger response. As if all of a sudden, I'm 100% unprepared and in the dark.

"Kim has to take me to the store later, I'm out of cigarettes" leads me to feelings of:

• Fear- I don't like driving at night. Um, I really don't like driving AT ALL, but it's a "part of life" I have accepted. I try very hard to do it well, so to avoid the terrifying circumstance of a car accident. I've been in two serious ones, it's a valid fear.
• Disorder- I feel almost completely out of control. All of a sudden my night of blogging on Tumblr, television watching, and reading has turned into chaos. It, indeed, isn't chaos, but it feels like it. I no longer have control of my environment.
• Fear again- disorder leads to chaos, chaos leads to getting overwhelmed, being overwhelmed leads to panic. Panic = fear. Panic is bad. Panic is, quite often, the cause of many of my "harmful behaviors", which is another topic for another day.
• Anger- I feel like I'm being taken advantage of. What gives you the right to demand I take you places? I owe you NOTHING. I am under no obligation to you whatsoever. You will NOT find yourself taking advantage of me. I don't let anyone do that to me. Think you're different? Try me.

It's a matter of principal. But... I also feel like I can't say anything about it. Most of the family doesn't understand the inter workings of my fortress of a mind. Therefore, I look like the bitch of the century who thinks herself too good to help out someone who needs our unconditional support, no questions asked. Gah!

Remind me to add frustrated to the list up there.

On an unrelated topic: I would like to say hello to all of the random, delightful, people from around the globe who stop by this little bitty blog. Hello! You can't see me waving, but I am. Promise. I hope you all enjoy my rantings of me being a crazy person. A single, kind of lonely sometimes, adorable crazy girl. With no boyfriend. I'm talking to the few of you from Europe and other places. Who wants an American wife?! Just kidding...

Sort of.