Things have been so out of control, up in the air, semi-overwhelming for me as of late. While I am keeping my emotions and actions under complete control, it still seems as though the world may very well be crashing down on me. Why, you ask? Excellent question. I have determined these are possible factors of my inevitable downfall:
I had to quit my job.
It had to happen. I'm just not healthy enough to continue. I still can't stomach enough food to keep me from feeling faint when standing for long periods of time, and I'm so over that lovely nauseated feeling that washes over me. Now, I can (hopefully) regroup and regain the health status I was once so proud of.
My medication has been "adjusted".
This throws me for a loop every time. Regardless of what it is, or how much, it takes me weeks to months for me to get back to "normal". It's as if I can't trust anything. Nothing is real. Everything is a direct effect of the new reality and therefore has to be evaluated and analyzed until it fits the mold of my life. Which, is also new. I'm still not sure where every nook and cranny is; therefore, not only is everything new and foreign, but I'm not sure if it's going to fit or not. It's like I've got some cherry jello, sitting in a jello mold of a cute,little dome. I take it out of the mold, and put it into the mold of a star. Well, shit... it doesn't fit. Now I either make all new jello, in a different flavor of lime, being as I'm out of cherry, or I scramble it all up so it will fit the new mold. Which means it won't have any shape or structure and everything is loose and insecure. What is one's best option? Whole new flavor and shape you know absolutely nothing about, or same flavor you know but can't trust because it's unstable? Lime star, or cherry pile of crap?
That was weird.
So... There's this boy.
The likelihood of him reading this blog is so small, I can't even see it. Therefore he is now, officially, going to be mentioned. Gasp! Boy is... interesting. I like him. Duh. That's not so much the problem. The real problem is more of a "I always fall for the guy who isn't available" kind of thing. Surprise surprise. Alright, let's back it up a bit, shall we? Boy is smart, funny and um... very nice looking. I find his level of intelligence both intimidating and refreshing. His voice is inspiring and entertaining at the same time. I'm so intrigued by him and his opinions from world views to film that I can't seem to stop thinking about him. AND, I HATE THAT. There are a number of rules I've set for myself to keep things like this from happening. I've broken a few of them for him, and I hate myself for that. Not to mention he insists on being this "cool guy" who is a complete bastard. Why I even give him the time of day is beyond me. Why he even gave me a second look is more of a wonder. I am so angry. I'm angry at him for choosing to be aloof and an asshole, and I'm angry at myself even more for liking the asshole.
By no means have I been hurt by this boy and his actions. Granted, said "actions" (or lack thereof) are potentially hurtful. *Disclaimer* No, a girl doesn't get angry when you make no effort whatsoever to speak to her. That only makes her feel unwanted, rejected and hurt. It, in no way, makes you look bad ass or cool. Just unintelligent. Sometimes you have a good thing standing right in front of you, and you're either too afraid or too dense to see it. Pull your head out of your ass fast, dude. She won't be there forever.
Through all of these ordeals flying at me, I've come to the conclusion that I am either incredibly, so far above, genius... or insanely stupid.
The jury's still out.
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