I was thinking about what my ADHD actually does to me. Specifically, it's more of a communication problem. My brain doesn't stay on track. It goes too fast, leading me to tangents and seemingly off topic streams of conversation. While, for me, it's all connected to what I or we were previously talking about, to others it appears as if I can't have a real discussion. Some days, it's worse than other days. It just depends on my current mental cycle, and how in control I feel.
Now, that being said, not everyone has this same type of problem. Some people find it's more of a physical, outward issue. Can't sit still, short attention span, bored easily, yada yada yada.
This, my friends, is what leads me to my recent thoughts. I don't really know the "medical" or "technical" specifics of adult ADHD. After that disclaimer, I am wondering if there are at least two different versions of symptoms in existence. Internal or external.
Most people I've come across with adult ADHD are external. They project their "all over the place" sort of demeanor. You see them gaining boredom. You see their attention snap to something (that appears to you) completely new.
I, on the other hand, turn it inward. I harbor it in my mind. When something causes me to lose attention, my brain follows it. All the while, my outward attention seems to remain on the subject at hand. It's not. That's just an illusion. I look like I'm paying attention, but my thoughts are on why that ladybug has chosen that leaf as opposed to the one closer to the stem that seems thicker and more likely to support his or her weight. Why do we have to call boy ladybugs "ladybugs"? Why can't we call the "gentlemen bugs"? You know they're going to have all kinds of insecurities about that. Every single one of them may have developed homophobia. I hate that. How can you be afraid of gay people. They're cool. Is it only the really feminine ones some people are afraid of? I'm not afraid of straight boys, and they can hit on me at any moment. They don't. Only the really drunk ones do, and then they usually only talk to me after they've been shot down by all my other friends. That's not really fair. Not that I want drunken men slobbering over me. It's the principal of the situation. Maybe it's cause I'm not a size two anymore. Damn, I looked good when I was that small. I felt like shit, but it was totally worth it. I really like food, though. Ah, the eternal struggle of woman vs. food. Will it ever end? Oh, shit... I'm supposed to be listening. What just happened?
You see?! That's what I do.
Lately, it's been worse. It happens when I'm speaking. My mind drifts away, until I'm all caught up in my own head. I'm usually not that bad. If I'm having a particularly ADHD day I can usually fake my way through conversations. Then, I can avoid people for awhile, until I'm more focused.
It's exhausting, I tell you!
Oh, look. We've gone off topic again. Many apologies. Where was I? Oh, yes.
I simply wanted to state that, while some or most ADHD people are visually, or physically ADHD; some are silently, internally ADHD.
As I said before, I really don't know that much about it. I'm ashamed to admit that my knowledge on the subject is minimal. I should do more reading on it, however I just wanted to jot down some thoughts I was having. Lately, I've noticed my communication skills (skills I once bragged about) losing their edge. I let my mind wander on the subject, and this is what I came up with.
Do with it what you will.
1 comment:
I can completely relate. I was diagnosed with ADD when I was about 8 and it's been something that I've struggled with my whole life. When most people find out I have ADD they don't believe me, mostly because mine is rather internal like yours. It sucks. It makes me feel like a little kid. Just know that I understand your frustrations.
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