What's a Girl to Do?

*sigh* 

I'm in love. He's a pirate.

He's the captain. Not a bad position of rank, in case you were wondering. The man can dress, too. He dresses himself VERY well. He's tall... And an older gentleman. Wise and clever as well.  An honorable man, he is. Arrogant as all hell, but I love him for it. He's passionate, driven and focused. And brave... Oh so brave...

I guess you can I say I'm hooked...

The Effects of Coffee

I really should avoid the stuff, yet... The taste is so divine. I simply can't stop myself. I pay dearly, though. My mind finds coffee anything but divine. It thinks it pure anxiety fuel. And it is. Much to my dismay, coffee not only energizes me physically, but mentally and emotionally. Therefore, my thoughts are so many they are now spewing into my blog. 

I'm still scared to death about what the future holds (or doesn't, for that matter). There are so many things I want to do. And so many of them I can't. It's devastating, really. I have no idea of my destiny, no idea of my fate, no idea of my path, calling or reason d'etre (ha! The Gods only know if I spelled that right in english). What I want to do most is either unavailable or I no longer have the ability. It's most disheartening. Speaking of heart... Mine is still broken. I suppose it's never healed. The pieces are scattered. Some pieces aren't even accessible. And it's Christmas, so it seems to be magnified. Bah!! No more on that. 

As I was saying, some sort of decision needs to be made. I'm not going to be one who's life is Disney. It's just a job. I won't spend twenty years here. Nope. Not me. I'm well aware that I have just been complaining about all of this for some time now, but until mid January-ish there is nothing I can do. Oh... What to do...?

I'm watching Bedknobs and Broomsticks. It's cute.

Namarie melloneamin

Too Much

I know that it hasn't been THAT long since my last post but, I feel like so much is happening. In actuality, not that much is going on. Wake, bum around, go to work, eat, sleep, repeat. Not bad, right? It's not bad however, my mind is taking over and thinking every moment of everyday at 12,000 miles an hour. I can't stop. It appears as though I have. Watching a movie, playing a video game, sitting in the break room... My brain will not shut up!! It just goes and goes and goes! And then, it goes some more. Now, on normal accounts this isn't a problem. This actually happens quite often. Why do you think I'm on medication? Anywho, my thoughts are on three specific items this go round and I know they will not lay to rest until worked out (which will take a significant amount of time). So, I figured I would try to silence the arguing within my soul by burdening all of you with my issues.

Issue #1

Work

I love my job. I love what I do. I love actually doing it. 

I don't love management. I don't love the "quality" of the WDW company. I don't love how little they care about me, or my safety, or my mental stability. I don't love how I could be without a job in January. I don't love how I have to be there a year to apply for FMLA. I don't love feeling my soul die a little every time I check my schedule. 

I keep telling myself I'll be alright, that I have options, But I don't. 

"You can go to Universal" I say. Then I remember that my roommate has auditioned with Universal on three different occasions in vain. I also remember that the economy is bad or whatever anyway. 

"There's a Hooters down the street" I say. Then I remember that I hate working in food. It's gross. Speaking of gross, my body isn't quite in shape enough, yet. And, again, economy.

"You can switch to Disneyland" I say. My number one choice, might I add. Then I remember they aren't holding any auditions anytime soon, or, at all for that matter. So... no good.

"You can always move back home" I say. Then I remember that, other than my family, there is nothing for me back home. I escaped the bubble, why would I go back?

So, as you can see, my list of choices isn't really a list. It's really a blank piece of paper. A green piece of paper, so it's a little awesomer, but still blank. 

Issue #2

Boys

I'm only going to say a few things here because I am sick of talking about it and I'm sure you're all sick of hearing about it. 

I'm mad as hell at myself and I'm mad as hell at the Fates for offering me this hand. I mean no disrespect. I'm grateful for the destiny that was laid before me. I go willingly. It's just painful and difficult. But, it's who I am. I can't change it and I don't want to. Therefore, I don't know why boys waste their time with me. It only ends badly for both of us. It always has.

Issue #3

Christmas

This is the first year EVER that money has been an issue. EVER. I've always said Christmas isn't about money or gifts. But when you want to make your loved ones happy by getting them the perfect something and can't, you're sad. Especially when they're far away, your gift is that much more special. I'm just sad that I' working my ass off and have nothing to show for it. I love my family dearly and want them to have pride in my Christmas efforts, but they won't. I suck.

There you have it. I guess I'm bummed. 

Namarie melloneamin

Apologies?

I just want to clear some things up about one of my earlier blogs titled "Oh Man..."

First of all I am not apologizing for any of it. One should never have to apologize for being honest. I mean, the only person I HAVE to explain myself to is myself and I already know. Just putting that out there. Now, back to the issue...

I do feel like I was misunderstood, by some, about what I was trying to say. I want to start with the fact that I was a bit (and by a bit I mean quite a lot) freaked out. People who know me well know that I freak out. It's in my nature. When high emotions are involved my brian goes into over-drive. There's a history as to why, which will not be discussed at this time, but there's a method to the madness. 

Boy mentioned in previous blog is a good guy. You should all know that by now. I just was just startled by dating. NOT him. He's not some creepy, moving too fast kind of guy. He just doesn't know me yet. Hopefully he'll get to know me. At the time I was in "Kim mode" which meant "WARNING! WARNING! Boy showing interest! Abort!". Who am I kidding?! I'm still in "Kim mode" but I'm fighting tooth and nail to keep a logical mind. Essentially, I'm trying not to freak out. "Oh Man..." was just me getting frustrations out. Yelling by means of a blog. I like to roar and I decided to roar in blog form. 

*shrug* I suppose that's all. Boy mentioned in previous blog is still around (because I know you were all wondering). He's cool and I'm taking it slow and getting to know him. So... There you go. 

Namarie melloneamin