Because I Know You're All Wondering

I know everyone on Facebook is just dying to know what happened, or why it happened, or how it happened. Frankly, I’m still trying to convince myself it even happened at all. It was so awesome, and different, and real. But, so very fast. Over before I could even grab onto it. I find myself, once again, whispering Kim’s famous last words... “so close”. Well, close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades. And, while I feel like throwing both, this was not that kind of game.

In truth, it wasn’t a game at all. Which only makes my loss all the more bitter. I can’t shrug and say “can’t win ‘em all” then forget about it. I tried this time. I mean, really tried. Made effort, opened up, didn’t lie, tried new things, and made changes I never dreamed I’d be willing to think about, let alone actually go through with. But, in the end it didn’t matter.

Truly, it’s my own fault.

But! I’m already ahead of myself and none of you know what I’m talking about. So, let me go back just a touch and shed some light on why I’m alone. Again.

For this blog’s purposes we’ll call him Boy From the Musical. That’s where we met, in case you were wondering. We met, we talked, we hit it off, things were fine. Then one little sentence changes everything. EVERYTHING. He says to me “I’d seriously consider dating you, if you were active in the church.”

What...? Are you kidding me with this?! You cannot possibly be serious.

A. Are you serious?

B. I’m perfectly happy NOT going to church, thank you very much

C. Are you serious?

D. It’s dating, you’re not asking me to marry you

E. Really, are you serious?

Well, I liked him. More than I should have, really. So, I proceed to plead my non-active status case to him. My plan being to lawyer my way into his heart, be together for awhile, and then go our separate ways. Nothing too serious. We’re young. An expiration date was fine with me. In fact, IT WAS THE PLAN. So, that’s what I try to do. In retrospect, that’s the moment I should have walked away. I thought it then, actually. He was understanding, but solid. He wanted to date an active church girl, and I’m not one. I knew to end it right then and there, or I was going to get into trouble. “Walk away, Kim. Be done right now, you’re at a stalemate, just let him go.” I didn’t want anything long term with him, I should have checked out. However, I liked him. There was something different about him. He was... a good one. And, I knew that.

So, I thought about it. And, thought about it. Then, I thought about it even more. This guy had such conviction, but I didn’t want the things he wanted. I only wanted him. He made me laugh. I was comfortable around him. I wasn’t “on show” when I was with him. I was me. The guy was smart, and could dress himself (very well, might I add) and... wait a minute. He’s got a lot going for him. Next thing I know, I can’t get him out of my head. He was stuck there. Something was pulling me to him, telling me to fight for him. And, I knew there was only one way to do that.

So, the next time I see him, I tell him I’ll go to church.

What?! What am I doing?! Choosing a religion for a guy who hasn’t even asked me out yet? I AM A CRAZY PERSON. But! I was honest about it with him. I told him point blank “I’m doing this for you.” I wanted him to know he was the reason, that I was doing it to make him happy.

Here I am, a month later, with new found faith and no boy. I absolutely loathe a hypocrite. So, I boxed up all other religious items I had that got me by in terms of “spirituality". I sent away all my immodest clothes. Coffee drinking, including decaf, is out. Can you imagine?! Kim without a cup of coffee? Believe it, readers. I even started reading (for the first time in my life, I’ll have you know) the Book of Mormon. Finished it in a week and a half.

And, you know what? I feel good. Better than good, actually. I’m working hard, and am loving every minute of it. I’ve learned there are things I want, that I didn’t even know I wanted. If that makes any sense to anyone. I believe this church now, more than I did the entire time I was active, it feels like.

But, I’m still alone.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m wholeheartedly grateful for the incredible things, both old and new, that I have in my life. I see many more of my blessings now, and I’m finding more to be thankful for everyday. But, I’m still sad.

Boy From the Musical and I dated for a little while. Casually for the most part. For five whole days we were “official” if that means anything. He’s gone now, though. He leaves for school quite soon, and wanted to keep it an “open relationship” while he was away. And, while that is more than understandable, I can’t. I don’t have it in me. While, I’d love to be a girl who can date more than one guy, and only have her feelings partially involved, I’m not that girl. If I have feelings for someone, whether we’re together or not, I don’t even want to look at another. No one will be as good as that someone. All will pale in comparison. That’s just who I am. I’m loyal, if you want me to be or not.

So, we walked away from each other. And, it’s horrible. I went into this thing fully expecting short term. I learned along the way, however, that to not have Boy From the Musical in my life would be a terrible thing. Unimaginable, rather. Yet, here I am. Questioning whether finding someone to hold my hand through life is something I’ll ever know. My faith in the Lord, albeit new, is rock solid. I only wonder if he doesn’t have anyone for me. Maybe His plan for me is to be “me” and not a “we”. I’m rapidly approaching the deadline for old maid-hood. I hope and I pray that I won’t be without someone for very long, or forever, though. I’m trying to stick with the faith that there is someone even better for me (if that’s at all possible, Boy From the Musical was pretty amazing).

Any who, that’s the gist of why Kim and Boy From the Musical didn’t make it. I’m sad about it, and I miss him dearly. But, I’m fine. I’ve got extra help now.