A Haunting

I'm fine. 

I just want to put that out there. 

No need for alarm. I'm fine.

I write this in hopes that certain "family" members of mine do not take part in my blogging adventures. It's unlikely, but as you've probably heard me say many times, you never know. With that little mini disclaimer, I'll proceed.

My little brother recently graduated Navy boot camp (or whatever variation of the title "boot camp" the Navy uses). I'm sure many of you didn't even know I had a brother. I do. Two of them, actually, both younger than I. At least, I used to. I state it in this manner for the simple fact that both of them have emailed me expressing their feelings to no longer have anything to do with me. I'm still confused as to why, and I'll spare you the sparse details I have. I just feel this particular blog may need a small amount of back ground. There you have it. 

Anywho, as I said, my once little brother is now in the U.S. Navy. My dad posted a few photos of the events at his graduation upon the infamous facebook. There they were: Dad, brother, brother, step mom. A nice picture perfect little family. Without me. Always without me. And, I don't think they'd have it any other way, to be honest. The one time I was actually there for a family picture, they asked me to step out of a some so as to appease my step mother. *sigh* Good times.

I'm really sad that I can't celebrate with the "family" and tell Sean that I'm proud of him. So proud... And he'll never know. He asked me not to contact him again, so I won't. Not even to tell him how brave I think he is, and that it's an honorable thing he's doing. 

I'm not going to lie, though. I think I'm more angry at myself for letting it hurt me. The fang of rejection pierced my heart so long ago, and it refuses to heal. The hole remains, pulsing with abandonment and denial. And, every once in a while, a little bit of my soul leaks through, reminding me that I'm incomplete.

Hope made me weary. I not longer look to a day of joyful reunions... Only tearful goodbyes. My faith in them has left me. Driven away by their storms of resentment.

I'm stronger than the torments of disappointment and dismissal. Yet, I'm haunted by them still. Forever in my head, snickering. Telling me I'm never going to be accepted by those I'm supposed to count on. Whispers of never being good enough plague my mind. 

It's fine.

I'm fine.

Just tired of the ghosts in the corner, with their vindictive smiles.

That is all.