Life as I know it

Sometimes this is just how you feel. Kind of like a breaking spirit. Now, I'm not saying that my spirit is breaking, by any means. I'm just feeling like my life isn't enough, anymore. 

I used to be so proud of myself. I've done things I didn't think I was ever going to do. I got a job, which I've held for over a year now. Before this, I couldn't hold a job for longer than three days. I also moved out. And not just out, but away. On my own, like a real person. I'm still proud of myself, don't get me wrong. But, why do I still feel unsuccessful?

Work is driving me nuts. Bid lines are up (bid lines are basically where you can work and when, for you non-Disney folk) and our hours have been cut. Great. I'm 3rd in line to bid. There are only fourteen days available, girl #1 is going to take five days and girl #2 is also going to take five days. Now, let me pause in my story here, to tell you that girl #2 SHOULD be me. Disney basis everything on your hire date, and they approved a girl in my character who had been hired before. I've been doing the character longer, but she was recently approved and gets five days to bid. Fair? No. I must also add another side note here: I honestly try not to hold it against girl #2. It's not her fault. I'm just upset with the company policy that screws me over. But, I digress... After girl #1 and #2 pick their days, I get what's left. Four days. Which for most people isn't that bad. I, however, don't function well with one day in which they can schedule me whatever they want. That's when I end up in parade. We all know how I feel about that. 

Are you all following...?

I really, truly, want to quit. Really, truly. I just can't right now, due to benefits I would lose. I really feel that's the only thing stopping me from saying "stop complaining, just quit." I NEED benefits. *sigh*

There's one problem.

I'm having some living problems, but I'm not sure of discussing them here. I'm leery of who's eyes read this AMAZING *rolling eyes* blog. So that'll just go on the back burner for now. Oh, man. That back burner is looking full...

I also feel the need to touch on the fact that I have no future. Nothing. I got nothing. No skills. No, "hey! When I grow up I wanna be a...." No plan. No destiny. NOTHING. 

I'm also alone for all of this. In case you were wondering "how does her boyfriend put up with all of her complaining?!" He doesn't. Because he's non existent. I even had a moment of desperation and applied for eharmony.com, who DENIED me. That's right. I'm not dateable. Their words were in the range of "we don't feel we can match you." I now call myself "forever single". I laugh when I say it to people, like it doesn't matter, but it does. It's like the only way my soul won't die is if I tell myself I don't need somebody. Maybe, I don't... Hmm... Maybe I really don't need anybody. Kind of an "it's not meant to be" situation. Love is just not meant for me. I've never been in love and I've made it this far. Maybe I'm supposed to make it on my own for the whole journey. 

Still with me?

My phone died. Not my battery. Not my service. My device. It crapped out on me. So, I get the brilliant idea of putting my SIM card into my old phone of the same brand. Genius, no? Well, the day after my phone dies... My charger dies. So now I can't charge either phone!! What?! Yes. So I have to leave my phone off (turning it on a couple times a day to check for anything important) or I'll have, literally, nothing in case of emergency. Which, side note, I almost needed last night when a large LOUD fight (complete with baseball bats) took place outside the building next to me. Yeah, I almost had to call the cops until I remembered a deputy sheriff lives in that exact building, and some buff guy was walking around, yelling "I'm going to call the cops!" so I concluded that the situation was close enough to being handled. Again, I digress. 

So I know, that to most people, these things seem pretty trivial. But, to me, these are VERY significant. They define my life. I feel like all of the big, important life stuff is going wrong and there's no end in sight. You know how you have to say to yourself "just hold on until this happens" or "as soon as this is done, things will improve". It seems like some of these problems are infinite. AND, I know that this entry is just me complaining. But, I don't have much else. There is so little left in me right now. I guess I am breaking. I'm trying so hard to keep strong and not quit life. How long can one tread water? If there is no land in sight, do you just keep swimming aimlessly? What do you hope for? A boat to save you? Won't that only take you where they're going and not where you're meant to be? A piece of drift wood, so as to float endlessly? Or do you just swim to drown?

I'm going to bed now. Thinking wears me out.

Namarie melloneamin