Esto Perpetua

Let it be perpetual. The official state motto of Idaho. Not bad...

Well, I made it safe and sound to the new residence of Aberdeen Idaho. So did Sphinx, Maggie, Evie, and Betta Fish. They were freaking troopers. Poor Betta Fish had to ride in a cup holder. But! We made it. We're here.

It's going to be a bit dodgy for this first little while (three people, two bedrooms, one bathroom) but it shouldn't be too long until it's more... comfortable. Honestly, though, it's not at all horrible.

I'm still working on feeling better. Trying my best to settle myself down. Sometimes I feel like a sort of refugee. Running for the hills of Idaho. Oh well. It's fine.

This isn't meant to be a long post. Only a quick "hello, from the state of perpetual-ness."

That is all.

Homewrecker

So! Change of plans. Again.

The job didn't work out. Long story short: they put me in danger, and they put their patients in danger, and I don't support that. So I left. But, it's fine. I have a new career.

Homewrecker.

I'm very good at it so far. I've managed to make a lot of family members angry without even trying. Finally! I've found something I'm good at!

Allow me to fill you in. For the last year, my MIA uncle resurfaced and has been living with Grandma and I. Alright. Fine. Then, Grandma had the scary surgery and the rigorous recovery. All of a sudden I'm stupid. According to the intruding uncle, I know nothing about Grandma, don't know the first thing about caring for people in their mature phase of life, and have no clue how to "run the house" while Grandma is out of commission. Let's look back over the last few years, shall we?

1. I've lived with Grandma almost all of my 26 years. Not a single day has gone by in which I haven't spoken to her. Not one. We know each other inside and out.
2. Who was here when Grandpa got so ill? Who was there everyday at the hospital with him? Who moved home to help him and spend time with him? Oh right. Not you. That was Kim.
3. One of our little poodles (whom I picked out when I was 15, by the way) is diabetic. I'm pretty sure I've been one of his "caregivers" for years. Also, if I'm not mistaken, I've been a member of the household for years. I think... I think... I know how things work.

You can determine for yourself my qualifications to help Grandma out, like I was already doing. However, another has found me unfit to fulfill such duties. That's fine. I'll take a step back and let you try to work off some of the guilt you have for not being here, and not giving a rat's ass for however many decades you decided you no longer wanted to be a part of this family. (Woah... I guess I am upset. Look at that run on sentence!) You can kiss Grandma's tush all you want. It'll probably work. Let me rephrase, it did work. She's wrapped around your precious little finger. But, like I said, that's fine.

What's NOT fine, however, is your "attitude". Your anger and rage are unsatisfactory. Examples include, but are not limited to:

1. You've thrown my cat
2. You've yelled at our timid, afraid, once highly abused dog
3. I once had to separate you from my mom's dog when you had your hand around his throat.

In what universe are any of these behaviors deemed acceptable?!

But, I digress. The point is, I've made my case to Grandma on several occasions. I've stated my discomfort and feelings of being unsafe. I said unsafe. Who deserves to feel unsafe in their own home? No one. I've felt afraid in my house for a year now. But, Grandma made her choice. He's still here, and "she said he wouldn't be".

She lied.

So, I'm out. She chose him. The one person in this whole giant planet I thought would always be my teammate left me. I didn't think I could feel such a sense of betrayal. Especially from her. I just feel as though my foundations have been shattered. I don't know how to even view the world anymore.

Oh! I forgot the best part. Another family member or two now hates my guts. Because of my choice to try and save myself from the road of grief, panic, and irreversible decisions, I must be selfish, spoiled, and mean. Apparently, I don't care about Grandma. I'm horrible and only care about myself.

This is where the homewrecker part comes in. I'm leaving. My mom needs some help getting her house ready for the arrival of my niece. So, heigh ho, heigh ho, it's off to Idaho I go. I leave Monday.

One by one, my family will hate me for the decision. Some of them already do. I figure it's only a matter of time. Maybe I am selfish and careless. I suppose I am being reckless with Grandma's feelings. Evidently, there's a price to pay when you run for your life.

20th of May 2011 What if...?

... The world really ends tomorrow.

I know it's cliche.

I started thinking earlier, "if we cut out the jokes, and the bull shit, and really think about it all ending, how would I feel about it?"

Not in a "God/religion/maybe I should repent kind of way", but a" what have I done with my life/am I satisfied with who I am as a person/are there things I would want to say to people" kind of way.

I think I'm content as a person. My personality has brought a lot of laughs and I've helped people out in times of need. Financially I'm a lost cause and/or useless, but I don't think after all is said and done (whatever done means) any dollar amount or material possession will matter. I do wish, however, that I were a little braver. I think that's one of the only things I would change about myself. I wouldn't change the fact that I'm wary of "love" or don't make finding a husband any sort of priority. That's saved me from an ass-load of heartache and I'm at peace with that. I wouldn't change that I follow my instincts in all occasions. I wouldn't change that I'm a good liar and I would definitely keep the fact that I have nice hair.

Yup. Just the courage thing. I would speak up more when things bug me, or ask more questions.

Maybe I would burp less... but probably not.

Also, I'm VERY VERY disappointed (I mean, as disappointed as a person can be!) that an alien party has yet to land and/or make contact. Lame.

Or have they?

Cha Cha Cha Chaaaanges

Turn and face the strange!! Ah, Bowie. We need to be best friends.

Big things are coming up. A number of changes are going to take place. Shall I rattle them off one by one? Okay!

1. I got a job! I start Monday and I'm nervous. I'm always nervous when starting a new job. I hate it, frankly. This job, however, is unlike any I've ever had. Cottonwood Treatment Center is the name of my new employer, and I'll be working as a "mental health worker". I figured there was a chance I'd end up in the mental health field. I think I'll be happy doing something legit. I feel this is an important job. Something that's giving back to society and/or helping people. Not going to lie... I'm a little excited.
2. I'm moving out. As soon as I've got enough cash saved, I'm hoping by mid-June, I'm packing my bags and getting my own place. It will be small, it will be cheap, but it will be mine. Due to some enlightening circumstances within my home life, I've decided it's time to move on.
3. School has been placed on the back burner. Surprise surprise. It's a decision I didn't really have the privilege of making. It was made for me, by recent events and lack of monies. Hopefully, I'll be back on track by September.

A lot of exciting times are on their way. I'm hoping the universe deals me the same good energy I'm putting forth. The last few months have been ugly ones, and I only want to claw my way towards contentment and a life worth living.

I also feel the need to mention ye olde myth of the Phoenix. All of the crazy and hurt in my life lately has really brought me down. I've found myself in some dark places and wish to be free of them. Fire after theoretical fire, sparking every which way; and it's now time to rise like the ancient Phoenix. Free from the ashes and burns I didn't deserve. Free to take my own flight plan and not one chosen for me.

I bet the sky is pretty up there.

In the Morning Time

6:00 A.M. and I don't see eye to eye.

Court houses are most interesting, but the seats are horribly uncomfortable.

I need coffee.

New phones are fun. However, they do take some getting used to.

Seriously, coffee now.

And, maybe a nap.

Heart Attacks and Parasites.

I've been slightly out of commission lately. Which lead me to remove myself from communications (including social networks). Being not quite ready to enter the world, I'm going to bring my few readers up to speed on the events leading up to said removal. A few things I'm not so willing to speak about, however I'll touch on a few.

My grandma had a heart attack. Two hours later she was in surgery for a triple bypass and a valve replacement. She's never had high cholesterol, her EKG the week before was perfect, and she was in most excellent shape. Needless to say, it shocked us all. The second night after her surgery her lung collapsed, so she headed back to ICU for another day. It was freaking hell. Fear not, she's doing much MUCH better now. They moved her up to the rehab floor and seems to be thriving.

My mom had to unexpectedly go out of town, right before Grandma's cardiac event, leaving me a little shaken with more responsibility than usual. Not to mention, my Uncle had left town shortly after. Sleep was scarce, and time for internet checking just wasn't available.

Things are starting to turn around. My sister has a parasite, most people call it pregnant, and we are very VERY VERY VERY excited about it. I've never wanted to be a mom, but I most definitely want to be an auntie. Seen the movie Practical Magic? Andrea and I are looking forward to being like "The Aunts". What can I say? The kid is pretty loved already.

Alright, that's the best I can update for now. I still have a hundred thousand things to do. I also have to work on phasing myself back into "life".

Tea!

For my birthday the ladies and I went to afternoon tea at the Grand America Hotel.

We were dressed in our high society wear, complete with gloves, long necklaces, and feathered hairpieces. We really looked the part. The spitting image of class and sophistication. It was quickly learned, however, that we need a few lessons in etiquette (I couldn't stop talking with my mouth full, for instance). A grand time was had that afternoon. (Get it? Grand? Grand America Hotel...? I'm so punny.) Thank you my lovely ladies for an unforgettable day of near poise and grace.