ADHD

I've recently (as in moments ago) had some enlightening thoughts about ADHD. While I have been diagnosed with it, I don't suffer too badly. Other people suffer the effects of me more than I do. But, that is not the the purpose of this random post.

I was thinking about what my ADHD actually does to me. Specifically, it's more of a communication problem. My brain doesn't stay on track. It goes too fast, leading me to tangents and seemingly off topic streams of conversation. While, for me, it's all connected to what I or we were previously talking about, to others it appears as if I can't have a real discussion. Some days, it's worse than other days. It just depends on my current mental cycle, and how in control I feel.

Now, that being said, not everyone has this same type of problem. Some people find it's more of a physical, outward issue. Can't sit still, short attention span, bored easily, yada yada yada.

This, my friends, is what leads me to my recent thoughts. I don't really know the "medical" or "technical" specifics of adult ADHD. After that disclaimer, I am wondering if there are at least two different versions of symptoms in existence. Internal or external.

Most people I've come across with adult ADHD are external. They project their "all over the place" sort of demeanor. You see them gaining boredom. You see their attention snap to something (that appears to you) completely new.

I, on the other hand, turn it inward. I harbor it in my mind. When something causes me to lose attention, my brain follows it. All the while, my outward attention seems to remain on the subject at hand. It's not. That's just an illusion. I look like I'm paying attention, but my thoughts are on why that ladybug has chosen that leaf as opposed to the one closer to the stem that seems thicker and more likely to support his or her weight. Why do we have to call boy ladybugs "ladybugs"? Why can't we call the "gentlemen bugs"? You know they're going to have all kinds of insecurities about that. Every single one of them may have developed homophobia. I hate that. How can you be afraid of gay people. They're cool. Is it only the really feminine ones some people are afraid of? I'm not afraid of straight boys, and they can hit on me at any moment. They don't. Only the really drunk ones do, and then they usually only talk to me after they've been shot down by all my other friends. That's not really fair. Not that I want drunken men slobbering over me. It's the principal of the situation. Maybe it's cause I'm not a size two anymore. Damn, I looked good when I was that small. I felt like shit, but it was totally worth it. I really like food, though. Ah, the eternal struggle of woman vs. food. Will it ever end? Oh, shit... I'm supposed to be listening. What just happened?

You see?! That's what I do.

Lately, it's been worse. It happens when I'm speaking. My mind drifts away, until I'm all caught up in my own head. I'm usually not that bad. If I'm having a particularly ADHD day I can usually fake my way through conversations. Then, I can avoid people for awhile, until I'm more focused.

It's exhausting, I tell you!

Oh, look. We've gone off topic again. Many apologies. Where was I? Oh, yes.

I simply wanted to state that, while some or most ADHD people are visually, or physically ADHD; some are silently, internally ADHD.

As I said before, I really don't know that much about it. I'm ashamed to admit that my knowledge on the subject is minimal. I should do more reading on it, however I just wanted to jot down some thoughts I was having. Lately, I've noticed my communication skills (skills I once bragged about) losing their edge. I let my mind wander on the subject, and this is what I came up with.

Do with it what you will.

Oh, How the Mighty Have Fallen

I know, I know... I'm terribly unsuccessful with the latest 30 day challenge I foolishly accepted. There are legitimate reasons, however. Some people and things I just don't currently feel like giving thought to. Like the last letter; hence the minimal length of said letter. Any who, that being said, I'm feeling the need to just write about my life.

Things have been so out of control, up in the air, semi-overwhelming for me as of late. While I am keeping my emotions and actions under complete control, it still seems as though the world may very well be crashing down on me. Why, you ask? Excellent question. I have determined these are possible factors of my inevitable downfall:

I had to quit my job.

It had to happen. I'm just not healthy enough to continue. I still can't stomach enough food to keep me from feeling faint when standing for long periods of time, and I'm so over that lovely nauseated feeling that washes over me. Now, I can (hopefully) regroup and regain the health status I was once so proud of.

My medication has been "adjusted".

This throws me for a loop every time. Regardless of what it is, or how much, it takes me weeks to months for me to get back to "normal". It's as if I can't trust anything. Nothing is real. Everything is a direct effect of the new reality and therefore has to be evaluated and analyzed until it fits the mold of my life. Which, is also new. I'm still not sure where every nook and cranny is; therefore, not only is everything new and foreign, but I'm not sure if it's going to fit or not. It's like I've got some cherry jello, sitting in a jello mold of a cute,little dome. I take it out of the mold, and put it into the mold of a star. Well, shit... it doesn't fit. Now I either make all new jello, in a different flavor of lime, being as I'm out of cherry, or I scramble it all up so it will fit the new mold. Which means it won't have any shape or structure and everything is loose and insecure. What is one's best option? Whole new flavor and shape you know absolutely nothing about, or same flavor you know but can't trust because it's unstable? Lime star, or cherry pile of crap?

That was weird.

So... There's this boy.

The likelihood of him reading this blog is so small, I can't even see it. Therefore he is now, officially, going to be mentioned. Gasp! Boy is... interesting. I like him. Duh. That's not so much the problem. The real problem is more of a "I always fall for the guy who isn't available" kind of thing. Surprise surprise. Alright, let's back it up a bit, shall we? Boy is smart, funny and um... very nice looking. I find his level of intelligence both intimidating and refreshing. His voice is inspiring and entertaining at the same time. I'm so intrigued by him and his opinions from world views to film that I can't seem to stop thinking about him. AND, I HATE THAT. There are a number of rules I've set for myself to keep things like this from happening. I've broken a few of them for him, and I hate myself for that. Not to mention he insists on being this "cool guy" who is a complete bastard. Why I even give him the time of day is beyond me. Why he even gave me a second look is more of a wonder. I am so angry. I'm angry at him for choosing to be aloof and an asshole, and I'm angry at myself even more for liking the asshole.

By no means have I been hurt by this boy and his actions. Granted, said "actions" (or lack thereof) are potentially hurtful. *Disclaimer* No, a girl doesn't get angry when you make no effort whatsoever to speak to her. That only makes her feel unwanted, rejected and hurt. It, in no way, makes you look bad ass or cool. Just unintelligent. Sometimes you have a good thing standing right in front of you, and you're either too afraid or too dense to see it. Pull your head out of your ass fast, dude. She won't be there forever.

Through all of these ordeals flying at me, I've come to the conclusion that I am either incredibly, so far above, genius... or insanely stupid.

The jury's still out.

Day 07- Your ex-boyfriend/love/crush

My once dearest,

I really have nothing to say to you.

You probably wouldn’t listen if I did have things to say.

Best regards,

Kim

Day 06- A Stranger

Hello, Stranger:

I’m not really sure what to say to you. Being as I don’t know you, I have no idea as to your interests. I could tell you about myself. Although, I’m not sure what good that’ll do you. I’m not sure what good that will do me either.

What do you believe in? For you, what’s worth fighting for? I’m always intrigued by other’s ideas and notions. What’s most important to a person teaches me far more than “what do you do for a living?” Quite often our occupation is what’s there, not who we are.

I work in retail. It’s not what I “do”. It’s what I tolerate so I can have food and a car. See? You didn’t learn much about me there, did you? Oh well. It’s not as though you’re going to write back.

Do you believe in Destiny, Stranger? I do. I’m not really sure how it’s helping me, but I believe in it. I wish on stars, too. Although, lately, I’ve only stared at them. No wishing. I’m trying to give up wishing. It’s no good. Every dandelion, first star, 11:11, necklace chain and penny in a fountain wish has proved false. I never expected the wish to magically materialize before my eyes. I only thought that maybe putting that hopeful energy into the world would make things a little lighter.

But, alas, it did nothing.

Interesting how one can say things to a stranger and feel alright with it. I don’t know if you’re even listening. Doesn’t really matter, though, does it?

Goodbye, Stranger. Lovely chat.

Always,

Kim

Reasons I Don't Date

Due to this week's experiences, here is the list of reasons I hate dating:

1. I suck at it.

2 I don't have the patience.

3. I hate games.

4. I don't like people touching me.

5. There's too much pressure.

6. I hate flirting.

7. I suck at flirting.

8. I'm too in control of my "emotions".

9. I don't trust people, especially men.

10. I'm not good with forgiveness.

11. I don't take compliments easily.

12. People aren't as honest as they should be.

13. Boys are too simple.

14. Boys are so simple, they end up confusing me.

15. Actions speak louder than words and people forget that.

16. I don't like to make eye contact.

17. I over-analyze EVERYTHING in EVERY aspect of my life.

18. I'm not sure I even WANT to get married.

19. I hate the "what does this mean?" game.

20. I'm not normal when it comes to anything else, why would I want to "date"? That sounds like something a normal person would do.

21. Meeting other people's families really freaks me out.

22. Apparently, Captain Hook isn't real. Therefore, why bother?

23. My cats will always love me more than any man ever could.

24. I've heard/witnessed too many horror stories.

25. I'm pretty emotionally independant.

26. I'm pretty spiritually independant.

27. I hate that I have to pretend I don't burp.

28. Let's be honest, nobody will ever be rich enough *shrug*

29. Too many people lose themselves within their "significant other". I refuse to lose myself. I'd rather be alone.

30. I have a fear of abandonment.

31. My dog gives me more kisses than I will ever need.

32. Not enough men like ballet.

33. I'm too ticklish.

34. I don't handle anger well, and boys make me angry.

35. I don't like who I am when I'm trying to impress people.

36. You shouldn't have to try to impress people.

37. Men in books are just SO MUCH BETTER.

38. It's too hard to list the foods I do and do not eat.

39. I absolutely DETEST insincerity, and that happens all too often when "dating".

40. PDAs? Not a chance.

41. I'm a black and white sort of person. I hate when anything is in a gray area.

42. I hate waiting for someone other than myself to make a decision.

43. Too many people are cowards.

Shall I go on...?

Day 05- Your Dreams

To my dreams both big and small:

Please come true.

I know that’s a lot to ask. I try to chase after you as best I can. Sometimes, my circumstances prevent me from a full pursuit. I try, though. And, I’ll never give up on you.

But, you already knew that, didn’t you?

Always,

Kim

Day 04- Your Sibling

Dear Flow Flem,

I want you to know, first off, that I love you. I love you a lot. I miss hanging with you on a more regular basis. We have good laughs, and probably always will.

I’m really proud of you for how much you’ve grown. It’s really impressive. You need to stick up for yourself and are doing so in incredible ways. Keep going.

I still think we should go on the Amazing Race, if only to prove to Mom that we wouldn’t argue around the entire world. We would effing win the million dollars. Just sayin’.

See you Saturday (hopefully).

Love always,

Flen Flem