A Haunting

I'm fine. 

I just want to put that out there. 

No need for alarm. I'm fine.

I write this in hopes that certain "family" members of mine do not take part in my blogging adventures. It's unlikely, but as you've probably heard me say many times, you never know. With that little mini disclaimer, I'll proceed.

My little brother recently graduated Navy boot camp (or whatever variation of the title "boot camp" the Navy uses). I'm sure many of you didn't even know I had a brother. I do. Two of them, actually, both younger than I. At least, I used to. I state it in this manner for the simple fact that both of them have emailed me expressing their feelings to no longer have anything to do with me. I'm still confused as to why, and I'll spare you the sparse details I have. I just feel this particular blog may need a small amount of back ground. There you have it. 

Anywho, as I said, my once little brother is now in the U.S. Navy. My dad posted a few photos of the events at his graduation upon the infamous facebook. There they were: Dad, brother, brother, step mom. A nice picture perfect little family. Without me. Always without me. And, I don't think they'd have it any other way, to be honest. The one time I was actually there for a family picture, they asked me to step out of a some so as to appease my step mother. *sigh* Good times.

I'm really sad that I can't celebrate with the "family" and tell Sean that I'm proud of him. So proud... And he'll never know. He asked me not to contact him again, so I won't. Not even to tell him how brave I think he is, and that it's an honorable thing he's doing. 

I'm not going to lie, though. I think I'm more angry at myself for letting it hurt me. The fang of rejection pierced my heart so long ago, and it refuses to heal. The hole remains, pulsing with abandonment and denial. And, every once in a while, a little bit of my soul leaks through, reminding me that I'm incomplete.

Hope made me weary. I not longer look to a day of joyful reunions... Only tearful goodbyes. My faith in them has left me. Driven away by their storms of resentment.

I'm stronger than the torments of disappointment and dismissal. Yet, I'm haunted by them still. Forever in my head, snickering. Telling me I'm never going to be accepted by those I'm supposed to count on. Whispers of never being good enough plague my mind. 

It's fine.

I'm fine.

Just tired of the ghosts in the corner, with their vindictive smiles.

That is all.

In Case You Feel Neglected

Hello mine followers. I feel, with my new writing project, that you may be neglected. So I am here to remedy that.

A few updates on my life:

Things are coming along for the move back home. My mom arrives July 15 and my official leave date is July 17. Sad times for those in Florida, but I hear the Utards are rejoicing. I'm somewhere in the middle.

My articles/writings are coming along. I still need all of you people to tell your friends (or enemies) to go read my stuff. Every page view earns me revenue. And, we all know how poor I am. So help a girl out, and at least view her writings/lame poetry. Please...?

Guess what? I STILL haven't found anyone in the boy department. Big surprise.

I saw Star Trek. Good flick. Very entertaining. I recommend it. I have some personal issues with what they decided to do with the plot. But as I said, they're personal issues, therefore, I find no need to bore you with said issues.

Work is the same. 

Jessie gave me a green lightsaber. Yes!!

Currently reading Half-Blood Prince. Almost done, shit is going to go down. I just know it... And I still can't talk about Black. *sniff*

I got my sister back. She broke up with her boyfriend. I know this is really her news, and not mine. But, I feel it very important. He didn't treat her with the respect she deserved, and she was drifting away from the family. However, he's gone, and she's doing well. I'm glad she found the courage to do what she needed to do. We've missed her.

I bought new shoes. They're converse. White with ladybugs on them, and green laces. So awesome. 

I think that about covers it. Again, I urge you to check out "my stuffs" over there ---------> 

I need feedback and such. You can comment right on the page, if you feel so inclined. Like I said, it would really help me out. 

Namarie melloneamin

Just so you know...

A few items of business...

First of all: I had to remove my entry entitled "Winds" from my blog. It received such rave reviews that I decided to publish it. Not in any sort of book or anything, just online. I'm hoping to generate some revenue from my writing. I'm trying to be more career minded about it. Having a few things actually "published" will help me build a portfolio, if you will. That may lead me to bigger and better things with my mad skills *does karate chop-type action*

Next:  http://www.triond.com/users/D.C.+Orrin is where you can view the aforementioned published items. There is also a box under my "about me" doo-hickie over there to the right... See it? Yeah. So far I have a very old poem, some photographs and "Winds" residing there. Please click on specific things to view them. I would appreciate some moneys. The more people view... The more moneys I get. Do it. I'm poor and I like food.

Lastly: Once you arrive at my little ditty of a web page don't be alarmed. I am D.C. Orrin. That's my pen name. Further explanation available upon request.

That is all.

Namarie melloneamin

Maybe...

Maybe... Just maybe... People write. 

Maybe, they just... write. 

Maybe, these people are girls. Maybe, there is a certain girl.

And Maybe... Just maybe, she writes.

Maybe she just... writes.

Maybe, it's only fiction.

Maybe, she's creative, or maybe, she's generic.

But, maybe, she's imaginative.

Maybe, she's... unique.

Maybe, she has people who don't understand that.

Maybe, people have misinterpreted her, her whole life.

Maybe, she's sad.

Maybe, she's angry.

Maybe, she's angry at herself, for being sad.

Maybe, she just has feelings...

Maybe... Just maybe... She uses these feelings to write.

What if... Maybe... She's different, so people don't understand her. Which, maybe, makes her feel alone, therefore, rendering her sad quite often. And, maybe, anger follows, stirring so many, endless, other feelings, she fears, they may incapacitate her. So, maybe, she writes fiction to alleviate the overpowering stress of all these feelings.

You know... Maybe... Her writings are influenced by her feelings, not mirrored by them. Maybe, her feelings fuel her writings. And, maybe, in turn, she is empowered by her writings. 

There's a chance that... Maybe... Her writings give her strength, courage, and hope. 

But, maybe, others don't see this.

Maybe, others think they know what she's talking about. 

Maybe, they tell her that they "know" what she is talking about and what she needs. 

And, maybe, it angers her.

Maybe, it upsets her when people think they know and understand her, when they're completely wrong.

Maybe, she's different.

So, maybe, she writes about it.

Yes... Maybe, she writes.

Maybe, she just... writes.

Please...

I'm here. What's wrong? 

You're not answering me. Hello?! I'm right here! Tell me what's wrong. I've never seen you this upset. 

Oh no what? Stop saying "oh no" and talk to me, damn it! Please? Please what? I can't help you if you don't tell me what the problem is... 

I'm not going anywhere. I'm right here. I'll always be here. Just like we talked about. Stop telling me to stay. I'm here. What's the matter with you?!

No what? I'm trying to help you. You keep asking for help, I'm offering, but I need to you stop...

Wait... 

You're crying. 

I've never seen you cry before. It's alright. I'm here for you... What's made you this sad? Tell me so I can make it better. How can I ease your pain? Please tell me. I can't bear to see you so heartbroken. Please! Tell me how to help you. 

Nobody's dying. Who are you telling not to die? We're the only ones here. 

Is this some sort of premonition? Are you having a memory, or a psychic vision? Come on now, I need you to focus and tell me...

Yes! That's it, that's me. You've said my name! You see, I'm right here. 

Why what? Oh! Alright. Stop yelling. I can already hear you, just fine. 

Stop screaming! You're hurting my ears! Stop it! 

Stop it!!

Why are you screaming my name?! I'm right here! I've told you!! 

Stop telling me not to die! I'm here, damn it! Right here! 

Why won't you answer me?! Shut up!!

Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!

Why won't you listen to me?!  

Why can't you hear me?! Hello? Hello?!

Talk to me! You're scaring me! 

I'm not gone! I'm RIGHT HERE!

Right here...

Please... Hear me...

I'm not leaving you. I would never leave you. Why would you say that?

You're right. For us, there's no goodbye. Just like we said.  

You're getting quieter. Why does it sound like you're so far away...?

Keep saying it! For us there's no goodbye!

Come back!

I'm here!

I'm here...

Please...

Hear me...

I'm still here. 

For us, there's no goodbye...

Please... 

Books...

Books. Glorious books. I love them. They smell good. They feel good. Fabulous people and wondrous places all contained within delicate pages, and covers of strength. Fighting all odds, for things that really matter. Flying off for adventures, that need to be had. Falling in love, when all hope seems lost. Those are the reasons my books are my most precious possessions. 

One day, I'll have an actual library. It will be lined wall to wall with bookshelves, which, in turn, will be packed to the brim with lovely books. There will be big, comfy, rocking chairs by a fireplace. The window (facing East, of coarse) with a seat in it's windowsill, so I can read when it's raining. I also see a few tables, so as to study the things I need and to hold the maps of old and 

distant places. There's, also, a globe in the corner, should my

 latest adventure be closer to home.

Books are my friends. They are who they are. 

Stories... Blessed stories...

This is TRULY how I feel when I'm in a book. It is also the reason I cry with every book I finish. I don't want them to go away. The people inside. They, quickly, become my people, and I hate when I have to leave them. It's not fair. Why can't I stay with them forever? *sigh* 

I also found this on my search for book images. People ask me why I'm in love with the good captain. This is a good explaniation, right here. I knew all this existed under that fabulous dress coat long ago. If you'll excuse me... I'm going to gaze upon it for awhile...

 Namarie melloneamin

Announcements

*sigh* Well, I'm back. Both physically, metaphorically, and bloggingly. Ha ha, I made up a word. My travels to the 801 were successful. I've learned many things. I feel I have a better understanding of what I need, what I want, and how much I still dislike snow. I believe I'll start with a general overview of the time I spent in the Southern part of Jordan (aka South Jordan).

I arrived unscathed to the Salt Lake City International Airport. The Orlando airport, on the other hand, was left with a bit of a gift from Evie. Yes... You guessed it. Poop. But, I don't really feel like reliving that horrifying moment. So, I'll move on...

I found my way to baggage claim, only to be greeted by my family holding a large sign saying "Welcome Home Kim". Embarrassed, again, at an airport. I tried to turn around, but the security guards wouldn't let me back through, into the terminal. So I had to face the spectacle. Barf. (I feel the need to interject here, and say that Andrea did do a nice job on the sign. It was the fact that it was there, not the lack of beauty, that annoyed me. For it was a grand banner, indeed). Anywho, that was the beginning of my week. 

That night I went with my cousins and sister to Liquid Joe's. Not my kind of club experience, but it wasn't too bad.

The next event was shoe shopping. We spent all day looking for the perfect pair for Easter brunch. After many hours of searching, we went back to the first store visited and bought the first pair I tried on and loved. Lesson here: go with your instincts. The next day, however, my mom's dog chewed my beloved pair of yellow, peep toe, pumps. I actually cried. Real tears, people. So sad. It wasn't too bad, though. I am still able to wear them, without notice of the teeth marks. *sigh* But, I know they're there. *sniffle* I don't want to talk anymore about them. 

Easter was delightful. The food was AMAZING. Beef, delicious beef. The park was good times, too. Evie enjoyed playing with her squirrel toy, Aly flew a kite, and I got attacked by a baby goat. Like I said, good times. After the park we had a little slumber party with the girls. Yes, Twilight and junk food were involved. 

The next morning was not so fun. I guess I'm no longer used to eating like a true fat kid and was sick sick sick sick sick. I'll spare you the gruesome details. It was poorly planned, though. This was the day I had a lunch appointment with a published fantasy writer, and the baseball game with the family I had specifically requested. So sad. But, you gotta do what you gotta do. I sucked it up, drugged up, and made it to my meeting. My career is important to me. It's my future. I got some great advice. One more step for my book. Awesome. I, also, made it to the baseball game. I don't think anything could keep me from a Buzz/Stingers/Bees game with my Grandpa. That's our thing. Always will be. 

The rest of the week was pretty relaxed. I went to lunch with Marcia and Lacie. They're my girls. It was so so so good to see them. I miss them terribly. 

At the end of my home visit I made an appointment with my once social worker Lew. He really helped me out with some issues I've been having, and some decisions I need to make. But, we'll get to that later.

My journey ended with snow. Salt Lake was sunny and beautiful. Denver, however, was not. I was stuck there for... I don't even know. Four hours...? Lots and lots of powdery white stuff was endlessly falling from the sky as if to taunt me with the feeling that I'll be stuck in Denver/Limbo forever. Now that I'm thinking of my trip home I'm remembering that I felt like I was in Limbo the whole time. When I'm in Utah I don't feel like it's really home anymore, but when I'm in Florida, I just feel like I'm there, even though it's not where I'm supposed to be. It's rather unsettling. Where do I belong? Utah, where I'm from, but not meant to return? Or Florida, where I am, but not meant to stay? It's enough to drive one mad. I finally made it back to Orlando, I might add. Poor Jessie had to pick me up at two in the morning. I would have left my sorry ass to rot there. But she's nicer than I am. I'd do the same for her, though. It's a best friend thing. *shrug*

Now on to the title of this blog and the "we'll get to that later" thing I mentioned. 

ANNOUNCEMENT #1: Kim is moving back to Utah. With a heavy heart I'll be leaving my Floridian friends and lifestyle to return to the Utard way of life. As I said before, I gotta do what I gotta do. It's about loyalty at this point. My loyalties lie with my family and myself. I need to remain emotionally stable and my family needs me. So that's where I'm going. I can write my novel anywhere, and it's my #1 priority right now, seeing as it's securing my future. Disney is no longer helping me, it's hindering me. So, it's time to go.  I don't know when, but it is going to happen. Most likely, not until July or later. So, relax, Florida friends. We've still plenty of time together. And, I'll remain seasonal, so I'll DEFINITELY be back. Feel better...?

ANNOUNCEMENT #2: I have chosen a career. I'm going to be a writer. I kind of feel it's my only talent at this point. Not that I'm really THAT talented at it. I just enjoy doing it and it makes me feel good to do it. My book is coming along, slowly but surely, but I'm really enjoying the process. I like to learn, and I feel like that's all I'm doing when I'm working on the novel. So, I feel good about it. Plus, when people hear I'm writing a book, they get all excited and tell me "that's so awesome!" Which can only lead me to believe that I don't totally suck at it. Therefore, I raise my glass ( as if I had an actual glass in my hand and were making an actual toast) to blind faith, big risk taking, and balls to the wall. We'll see how it goes. Disclaimer: I often change my mind in a rapid fashion (what a shocker). So I could rethink my "career" choice. However, I feel at this time, that the book will never be abandoned. End of disclaimer.

ANNOUNCEMENT #3: I have to pee. I know this is disgusting for some, and too much information for all, but I feel as though my blog needed a third announcement to be titled "Announcements". Two didn't seem like enough. *shrug* What else was I supposed to do?

That is the end of this entry. And, though, I ended with horrific news of my internal plumbing, I'm looking forward to some changes in my life. I will most definitely keep you all posted (because you all care SO MUCH) on the upcoming events as well as official dates. Thank you, hopefully, in advance for your support. If you don't support me. I don't care. I make it a point to not care whether people back me up or not in my decisions. Especially ones that affect only me. Which this one almost does. I firmly believe that I don't have to explain myself to anyone but myself, and I already know. I feel this is the right thing to do, and that should be enough for anyone, even myself. Remember earlier, with my shoes, I said I should have gone with my instincts...? Well, I'm going to. 

Did I just explain myself when I said I wasn't going to? Maybe I did, or maybe I was just thinking "out loud", I can't tell... Hmm...

That is all.

Namarie melloneamin