Please...

I'm here. What's wrong? 

You're not answering me. Hello?! I'm right here! Tell me what's wrong. I've never seen you this upset. 

Oh no what? Stop saying "oh no" and talk to me, damn it! Please? Please what? I can't help you if you don't tell me what the problem is... 

I'm not going anywhere. I'm right here. I'll always be here. Just like we talked about. Stop telling me to stay. I'm here. What's the matter with you?!

No what? I'm trying to help you. You keep asking for help, I'm offering, but I need to you stop...

Wait... 

You're crying. 

I've never seen you cry before. It's alright. I'm here for you... What's made you this sad? Tell me so I can make it better. How can I ease your pain? Please tell me. I can't bear to see you so heartbroken. Please! Tell me how to help you. 

Nobody's dying. Who are you telling not to die? We're the only ones here. 

Is this some sort of premonition? Are you having a memory, or a psychic vision? Come on now, I need you to focus and tell me...

Yes! That's it, that's me. You've said my name! You see, I'm right here. 

Why what? Oh! Alright. Stop yelling. I can already hear you, just fine. 

Stop screaming! You're hurting my ears! Stop it! 

Stop it!!

Why are you screaming my name?! I'm right here! I've told you!! 

Stop telling me not to die! I'm here, damn it! Right here! 

Why won't you answer me?! Shut up!!

Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!

Why won't you listen to me?!  

Why can't you hear me?! Hello? Hello?!

Talk to me! You're scaring me! 

I'm not gone! I'm RIGHT HERE!

Right here...

Please... Hear me...

I'm not leaving you. I would never leave you. Why would you say that?

You're right. For us, there's no goodbye. Just like we said.  

You're getting quieter. Why does it sound like you're so far away...?

Keep saying it! For us there's no goodbye!

Come back!

I'm here!

I'm here...

Please...

Hear me...

I'm still here. 

For us, there's no goodbye...

Please... 

Books...

Books. Glorious books. I love them. They smell good. They feel good. Fabulous people and wondrous places all contained within delicate pages, and covers of strength. Fighting all odds, for things that really matter. Flying off for adventures, that need to be had. Falling in love, when all hope seems lost. Those are the reasons my books are my most precious possessions. 

One day, I'll have an actual library. It will be lined wall to wall with bookshelves, which, in turn, will be packed to the brim with lovely books. There will be big, comfy, rocking chairs by a fireplace. The window (facing East, of coarse) with a seat in it's windowsill, so I can read when it's raining. I also see a few tables, so as to study the things I need and to hold the maps of old and 

distant places. There's, also, a globe in the corner, should my

 latest adventure be closer to home.

Books are my friends. They are who they are. 

Stories... Blessed stories...

This is TRULY how I feel when I'm in a book. It is also the reason I cry with every book I finish. I don't want them to go away. The people inside. They, quickly, become my people, and I hate when I have to leave them. It's not fair. Why can't I stay with them forever? *sigh* 

I also found this on my search for book images. People ask me why I'm in love with the good captain. This is a good explaniation, right here. I knew all this existed under that fabulous dress coat long ago. If you'll excuse me... I'm going to gaze upon it for awhile...

 Namarie melloneamin

Announcements

*sigh* Well, I'm back. Both physically, metaphorically, and bloggingly. Ha ha, I made up a word. My travels to the 801 were successful. I've learned many things. I feel I have a better understanding of what I need, what I want, and how much I still dislike snow. I believe I'll start with a general overview of the time I spent in the Southern part of Jordan (aka South Jordan).

I arrived unscathed to the Salt Lake City International Airport. The Orlando airport, on the other hand, was left with a bit of a gift from Evie. Yes... You guessed it. Poop. But, I don't really feel like reliving that horrifying moment. So, I'll move on...

I found my way to baggage claim, only to be greeted by my family holding a large sign saying "Welcome Home Kim". Embarrassed, again, at an airport. I tried to turn around, but the security guards wouldn't let me back through, into the terminal. So I had to face the spectacle. Barf. (I feel the need to interject here, and say that Andrea did do a nice job on the sign. It was the fact that it was there, not the lack of beauty, that annoyed me. For it was a grand banner, indeed). Anywho, that was the beginning of my week. 

That night I went with my cousins and sister to Liquid Joe's. Not my kind of club experience, but it wasn't too bad.

The next event was shoe shopping. We spent all day looking for the perfect pair for Easter brunch. After many hours of searching, we went back to the first store visited and bought the first pair I tried on and loved. Lesson here: go with your instincts. The next day, however, my mom's dog chewed my beloved pair of yellow, peep toe, pumps. I actually cried. Real tears, people. So sad. It wasn't too bad, though. I am still able to wear them, without notice of the teeth marks. *sigh* But, I know they're there. *sniffle* I don't want to talk anymore about them. 

Easter was delightful. The food was AMAZING. Beef, delicious beef. The park was good times, too. Evie enjoyed playing with her squirrel toy, Aly flew a kite, and I got attacked by a baby goat. Like I said, good times. After the park we had a little slumber party with the girls. Yes, Twilight and junk food were involved. 

The next morning was not so fun. I guess I'm no longer used to eating like a true fat kid and was sick sick sick sick sick. I'll spare you the gruesome details. It was poorly planned, though. This was the day I had a lunch appointment with a published fantasy writer, and the baseball game with the family I had specifically requested. So sad. But, you gotta do what you gotta do. I sucked it up, drugged up, and made it to my meeting. My career is important to me. It's my future. I got some great advice. One more step for my book. Awesome. I, also, made it to the baseball game. I don't think anything could keep me from a Buzz/Stingers/Bees game with my Grandpa. That's our thing. Always will be. 

The rest of the week was pretty relaxed. I went to lunch with Marcia and Lacie. They're my girls. It was so so so good to see them. I miss them terribly. 

At the end of my home visit I made an appointment with my once social worker Lew. He really helped me out with some issues I've been having, and some decisions I need to make. But, we'll get to that later.

My journey ended with snow. Salt Lake was sunny and beautiful. Denver, however, was not. I was stuck there for... I don't even know. Four hours...? Lots and lots of powdery white stuff was endlessly falling from the sky as if to taunt me with the feeling that I'll be stuck in Denver/Limbo forever. Now that I'm thinking of my trip home I'm remembering that I felt like I was in Limbo the whole time. When I'm in Utah I don't feel like it's really home anymore, but when I'm in Florida, I just feel like I'm there, even though it's not where I'm supposed to be. It's rather unsettling. Where do I belong? Utah, where I'm from, but not meant to return? Or Florida, where I am, but not meant to stay? It's enough to drive one mad. I finally made it back to Orlando, I might add. Poor Jessie had to pick me up at two in the morning. I would have left my sorry ass to rot there. But she's nicer than I am. I'd do the same for her, though. It's a best friend thing. *shrug*

Now on to the title of this blog and the "we'll get to that later" thing I mentioned. 

ANNOUNCEMENT #1: Kim is moving back to Utah. With a heavy heart I'll be leaving my Floridian friends and lifestyle to return to the Utard way of life. As I said before, I gotta do what I gotta do. It's about loyalty at this point. My loyalties lie with my family and myself. I need to remain emotionally stable and my family needs me. So that's where I'm going. I can write my novel anywhere, and it's my #1 priority right now, seeing as it's securing my future. Disney is no longer helping me, it's hindering me. So, it's time to go.  I don't know when, but it is going to happen. Most likely, not until July or later. So, relax, Florida friends. We've still plenty of time together. And, I'll remain seasonal, so I'll DEFINITELY be back. Feel better...?

ANNOUNCEMENT #2: I have chosen a career. I'm going to be a writer. I kind of feel it's my only talent at this point. Not that I'm really THAT talented at it. I just enjoy doing it and it makes me feel good to do it. My book is coming along, slowly but surely, but I'm really enjoying the process. I like to learn, and I feel like that's all I'm doing when I'm working on the novel. So, I feel good about it. Plus, when people hear I'm writing a book, they get all excited and tell me "that's so awesome!" Which can only lead me to believe that I don't totally suck at it. Therefore, I raise my glass ( as if I had an actual glass in my hand and were making an actual toast) to blind faith, big risk taking, and balls to the wall. We'll see how it goes. Disclaimer: I often change my mind in a rapid fashion (what a shocker). So I could rethink my "career" choice. However, I feel at this time, that the book will never be abandoned. End of disclaimer.

ANNOUNCEMENT #3: I have to pee. I know this is disgusting for some, and too much information for all, but I feel as though my blog needed a third announcement to be titled "Announcements". Two didn't seem like enough. *shrug* What else was I supposed to do?

That is the end of this entry. And, though, I ended with horrific news of my internal plumbing, I'm looking forward to some changes in my life. I will most definitely keep you all posted (because you all care SO MUCH) on the upcoming events as well as official dates. Thank you, hopefully, in advance for your support. If you don't support me. I don't care. I make it a point to not care whether people back me up or not in my decisions. Especially ones that affect only me. Which this one almost does. I firmly believe that I don't have to explain myself to anyone but myself, and I already know. I feel this is the right thing to do, and that should be enough for anyone, even myself. Remember earlier, with my shoes, I said I should have gone with my instincts...? Well, I'm going to. 

Did I just explain myself when I said I wasn't going to? Maybe I did, or maybe I was just thinking "out loud", I can't tell... Hmm...

That is all.

Namarie melloneamin

Teaser Blog

Hello Avid readers!! For people who know and/or care about my book I've decided to give you a little "teaser trailer" type blog entry. You know, not quite a full "movie trailer", just a bit of something to give you the general idea of the people in the story. Why, you ask? Because I'm mean like that.

 None of these artworks are mine, in any way. I claim no ownership of any part of them. Some of them, I know where they're from and/or depicting, and others just struck me. They're all nicely done, so kudos to the artists/photographers.

There you go. I hope you're all dying with anticipation now! Bah ha ha!!

In other news:

 I am taking a little vacation to Utah this coming week. Blogging will most likely be on hiatus until my triumphant return (unless something happens that can't wait, doubtful, but I like to leave room for exceptions). 

 *WARNING! HERE BE SPOILERS*

I have read through Harry's 4th year at Hogwarts school of Witchcraft and Wizardry. I have quite enjoyed his adventures. I am sad that I was not born a Weasley. HOWEVER, I am still hopeful that I can marry into the family via Bill, Charlie, Fred or George. Any of those will do. I wouldn't mind getting my hands of some Cedric either. I cannot begin to describe my heartache in his untimely demise. I'm sure poor little Cho is devastated, as well. Being in the same house as she (Ravenclaw) I would know. I did terribly miss quiditch this year. I missed Professor Lupin even more. I look forward to his return to the castle. *sigh* I'm going to rip off Malfoy's nipples and throw them at him, both father and son. Douche-bags... Snape haunts my nightmares. For reals... For reals. However, I still believe him to be a good person. Just a rude, intimidating one. He needs to get over himself, just a scotch. I want a phoenix. Jessie and I need to choose our respective Animagus so we can get working on that. I'm sure it will be a grueling process. Where's Lupin? *sigh* I still miss him.

I suppose that is all. Some of you, I may actually be seeing in person this week. I look forward to that. I hope you do, as well. Oh! I need to extend my congratulations to Matt and Stacy on the birth of their daughter. Based on the photo I saw on Facebook, she is beautiful. So gorgeous. Mazel tov! Yeah, I'm not Jewish, and neither are they. I just like saying that.

Namarie melloneamin

Girl Power!

I have a pretty awesome BFF. I kind of feel the need to mention her on my wondrous blog. 

We've both been feeling pretty down the last while and decided to hang out today. We hit up the mall and found some cute new clothes for our trips home for Easter. Side note: Victoria's Secret outlets are the most amazing thing EVER. End of side note. It seems to me that she's been neglected on my blog. Not because of lack of awesomeness, but because she is too awesome. Lately, my blog has been my outlet for grievances and she is anything but a complaint. She's kind of the steady breath of fresh air. Me love her long time. 

I was having some concerns about going home for Easter (much like I was when I went home a year ago for my surgery). I was apprehensive, thinking that I may have a hard time returning to my life here in Florida, especially with things being as crappy as they have been. But, after I thought about it, I realized that I may not be coming home to a boyfriend, a successful job, or an awesome life, but I did have somebody to come home to. Jessie is my girl, and there is no way I can not have her in my life. So I have to come back. And, as a matter of fact, I WANT to. Our lives may be awful, but they're awful together. And, we can make fun of the people who settle and compromised themselves for a mediocre life. We may be miserable now, but we're fighting, and we have a war buddy to help each other out along the way. 

Who'd a thunk I'd be besties with a princess...? Ha!

Back to the shopping: we made our way through the outlet mall where we found the Victoria's Secret outlet store. Four dollar undies! Yes!! AND 75% off fragrances. AND the Spice Girls greatest hits album for three dollars!! Most excellent, indeed! I'm listening to it right this second. I love. *sigh* So good. 

The Spice Girls were good times for me. I will always love them. They helped me through my adolescence, and I am forever in their debt for that. I will defend them through and through NO MATTER WHAT. Talk about feel good music! Girl power! *flashes peace sign* Good times... No no, GREAT times...

Anywho, I end this blog with love to my Girls, both Spice and Yamaka. Girl power!!

Namarie melloneamin

P.S. The first photo above is the BFF and I at our costume Christmas party. That's how awesome we are. We throw costumed Christmas parties. The second photo should be self explanatory... At least, it better be, or we need to have a talk...

Life as I know it

Sometimes this is just how you feel. Kind of like a breaking spirit. Now, I'm not saying that my spirit is breaking, by any means. I'm just feeling like my life isn't enough, anymore. 

I used to be so proud of myself. I've done things I didn't think I was ever going to do. I got a job, which I've held for over a year now. Before this, I couldn't hold a job for longer than three days. I also moved out. And not just out, but away. On my own, like a real person. I'm still proud of myself, don't get me wrong. But, why do I still feel unsuccessful?

Work is driving me nuts. Bid lines are up (bid lines are basically where you can work and when, for you non-Disney folk) and our hours have been cut. Great. I'm 3rd in line to bid. There are only fourteen days available, girl #1 is going to take five days and girl #2 is also going to take five days. Now, let me pause in my story here, to tell you that girl #2 SHOULD be me. Disney basis everything on your hire date, and they approved a girl in my character who had been hired before. I've been doing the character longer, but she was recently approved and gets five days to bid. Fair? No. I must also add another side note here: I honestly try not to hold it against girl #2. It's not her fault. I'm just upset with the company policy that screws me over. But, I digress... After girl #1 and #2 pick their days, I get what's left. Four days. Which for most people isn't that bad. I, however, don't function well with one day in which they can schedule me whatever they want. That's when I end up in parade. We all know how I feel about that. 

Are you all following...?

I really, truly, want to quit. Really, truly. I just can't right now, due to benefits I would lose. I really feel that's the only thing stopping me from saying "stop complaining, just quit." I NEED benefits. *sigh*

There's one problem.

I'm having some living problems, but I'm not sure of discussing them here. I'm leery of who's eyes read this AMAZING *rolling eyes* blog. So that'll just go on the back burner for now. Oh, man. That back burner is looking full...

I also feel the need to touch on the fact that I have no future. Nothing. I got nothing. No skills. No, "hey! When I grow up I wanna be a...." No plan. No destiny. NOTHING. 

I'm also alone for all of this. In case you were wondering "how does her boyfriend put up with all of her complaining?!" He doesn't. Because he's non existent. I even had a moment of desperation and applied for eharmony.com, who DENIED me. That's right. I'm not dateable. Their words were in the range of "we don't feel we can match you." I now call myself "forever single". I laugh when I say it to people, like it doesn't matter, but it does. It's like the only way my soul won't die is if I tell myself I don't need somebody. Maybe, I don't... Hmm... Maybe I really don't need anybody. Kind of an "it's not meant to be" situation. Love is just not meant for me. I've never been in love and I've made it this far. Maybe I'm supposed to make it on my own for the whole journey. 

Still with me?

My phone died. Not my battery. Not my service. My device. It crapped out on me. So, I get the brilliant idea of putting my SIM card into my old phone of the same brand. Genius, no? Well, the day after my phone dies... My charger dies. So now I can't charge either phone!! What?! Yes. So I have to leave my phone off (turning it on a couple times a day to check for anything important) or I'll have, literally, nothing in case of emergency. Which, side note, I almost needed last night when a large LOUD fight (complete with baseball bats) took place outside the building next to me. Yeah, I almost had to call the cops until I remembered a deputy sheriff lives in that exact building, and some buff guy was walking around, yelling "I'm going to call the cops!" so I concluded that the situation was close enough to being handled. Again, I digress. 

So I know, that to most people, these things seem pretty trivial. But, to me, these are VERY significant. They define my life. I feel like all of the big, important life stuff is going wrong and there's no end in sight. You know how you have to say to yourself "just hold on until this happens" or "as soon as this is done, things will improve". It seems like some of these problems are infinite. AND, I know that this entry is just me complaining. But, I don't have much else. There is so little left in me right now. I guess I am breaking. I'm trying so hard to keep strong and not quit life. How long can one tread water? If there is no land in sight, do you just keep swimming aimlessly? What do you hope for? A boat to save you? Won't that only take you where they're going and not where you're meant to be? A piece of drift wood, so as to float endlessly? Or do you just swim to drown?

I'm going to bed now. Thinking wears me out.

Namarie melloneamin

Uh... I deleted my last blog.

So, yeah...