Being Impossible...

Because I Know You're All Wondering

2011-12-26T17:22:00.003-05:00

I know everyone on Facebook is just dying to know what happened, or why it happened, or how it happened. Frankly, I’m still trying to convince myself it even happened at all. It was so awesome, and different, and real. But, so very fast. Over before I could even grab onto it. I find myself, once again, whispering Kim’s famous last words... “so close”. Well, close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades. And, while I feel like throwing both, this was not that kind of game.

In truth, it wasn’t a game at all. Which only makes my loss all the more bitter. I can’t shrug and say “can’t win ‘em all” then forget about it. I tried this time. I mean, really tried. Made effort, opened up, didn’t lie, tried new things, and made changes I never dreamed I’d be willing to think about, let alone actually go through with. But, in the end it didn’t matter.

Truly, it’s my own fault.

But! I’m already ahead of myself and none of you know what I’m talking about. So, let me go back just a touch and shed some light on why I’m alone. Again.

For this blog’s purposes we’ll call him Boy From the Musical. That’s where we met, in case you were wondering. We met, we talked, we hit it off, things were fine. Then one little sentence changes everything. EVERYTHING. He says to me “I’d seriously consider dating you, if you were active in the church.”

What...? Are you kidding me with this?! You cannot possibly be serious.

A. Are you serious?

B. I’m perfectly happy NOT going to church, thank you very much

C. Are you serious?

D. It’s dating, you’re not asking me to marry you

E. Really, are you serious?

Well, I liked him. More than I should have, really. So, I proceed to plead my non-active status case to him. My plan being to lawyer my way into his heart, be together for awhile, and then go our separate ways. Nothing too serious. We’re young. An expiration date was fine with me. In fact, IT WAS THE PLAN. So, that’s what I try to do. In retrospect, that’s the moment I should have walked away. I thought it then, actually. He was understanding, but solid. He wanted to date an active church girl, and I’m not one. I knew to end it right then and there, or I was going to get into trouble. “Walk away, Kim. Be done right now, you’re at a stalemate, just let him go.” I didn’t want anything long term with him, I should have checked out. However, I liked him. There was something different about him. He was... a good one. And, I knew that.

So, I thought about it. And, thought about it. Then, I thought about it even more. This guy had such conviction, but I didn’t want the things he wanted. I only wanted him. He made me laugh. I was comfortable around him. I wasn’t “on show” when I was with him. I was me. The guy was smart, and could dress himself (very well, might I add) and... wait a minute. He’s got a lot going for him. Next thing I know, I can’t get him out of my head. He was stuck there. Something was pulling me to him, telling me to fight for him. And, I knew there was only one way to do that.

So, the next time I see him, I tell him I’ll go to church.

What?! What am I doing?! Choosing a religion for a guy who hasn’t even asked me out yet? I AM A CRAZY PERSON. But! I was honest about it with him. I told him point blank “I’m doing this for you.” I wanted him to know he was the reason, that I was doing it to make him happy.

Here I am, a month later, with new found faith and no boy. I absolutely loathe a hypocrite. So, I boxed up all other religious items I had that got me by in terms of “spirituality". I sent away all my immodest clothes. Coffee drinking, including decaf, is out. Can you imagine?! Kim without a cup of coffee? Believe it, readers. I even started reading (for the first time in my life, I’ll have you know) the Book of Mormon. Finished it in a week and a half.

And, you know what? I feel good. Better than good, actually. I’m working hard, and am loving every minute of it. I’ve learned there are things I want, that I didn’t even know I wanted. If that makes any sense to anyone. I believe this church now, more than I did the entire time I was active, it feels like.

But, I’m still alone.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m wholeheartedly grateful for the incredible things, both old and new, that I have in my life. I see many more of my blessings now, and I’m finding more to be thankful for everyday. But, I’m still sad.

Boy From the Musical and I dated for a little while. Casually for the most part. For five whole days we were “official” if that means anything. He’s gone now, though. He leaves for school quite soon, and wanted to keep it an “open relationship” while he was away. And, while that is more than understandable, I can’t. I don’t have it in me. While, I’d love to be a girl who can date more than one guy, and only have her feelings partially involved, I’m not that girl. If I have feelings for someone, whether we’re together or not, I don’t even want to look at another. No one will be as good as that someone. All will pale in comparison. That’s just who I am. I’m loyal, if you want me to be or not.

So, we walked away from each other. And, it’s horrible. I went into this thing fully expecting short term. I learned along the way, however, that to not have Boy From the Musical in my life would be a terrible thing. Unimaginable, rather. Yet, here I am. Questioning whether finding someone to hold my hand through life is something I’ll ever know. My faith in the Lord, albeit new, is rock solid. I only wonder if he doesn’t have anyone for me. Maybe His plan for me is to be “me” and not a “we”. I’m rapidly approaching the deadline for old maid-hood. I hope and I pray that I won’t be without someone for very long, or forever, though. I’m trying to stick with the faith that there is someone even better for me (if that’s at all possible, Boy From the Musical was pretty amazing).

Any who, that’s the gist of why Kim and Boy From the Musical didn’t make it. I’m sad about it, and I miss him dearly. But, I’m fine. I’ve got extra help now.

Sometimes, Sad Things Happen

2011-08-31T13:32:00.002-04:00

This is an incredibly personal entry, so please forgive me. Earlier today I said goodbye to a brilliant friendship. We lasted two years being apart and living at opposite ends of the country. But, sometimes... friendships just don't last.

It's quite sad, really. We both tried the best we could. I guess life got in the way. Her life got too stressful, and my life became to sad. Due to the circumstances of our situations, we weren't able to help each other and got hurt. The insurmountable pain that comes with losing your best friend to something beyond your control is not something even I can put into words. Maybe if our problems had run consecutively instead of concurrently, things would have turned out differently. But, they didn't. So we said goodbye.

I was honest in how I felt, I did the best I could, it wasn't enough, though. And, my soul is just sick because of it. It never crossed my mind that my best friend and I could have an expiration date. I don't think it crossed anyone's mind. I would say it's the end of an era, but it's so much more than that. It's the death of something beautiful.

We met while I was living in Florida, and were near inseparable. Closer than sisters. Two kids whom the world didn't understand, but they understood one another. We were each other's breath of fresh air. I almost didn't move home because of her. I couldn't imagine not seeing her everyday. We went a year apart. Speaking on the phone or the internet at least weekly. I visited, and it was like one were never away from the other. We knew we would be okay. We had each other. Until this summer. I lost a lot this summer. And, today I added a best friend to the list. We said goodbye.

There's still a little smile in my heart, though. We had some amazing (amazing isn't a big enough word) memories. For a long time I had a partner in crime. I don't think I'll find anyone to geek out with to the level in which she could. She's the reason I read the Harry Potter books, and I will be forever grateful to her. No one will discuss fantasy novels (or books at all, for that matter) in such a stimulating way as she does. She get so tickled when I made "fry sauce" all the time. I had a pirate birthday party for my 24th. It was fun. She threw it for me. Put the whole thing together. Her and I had a very convincing way of proving that Cinderella and her step sister Drizella were the best of friends. We even had a costume Christmas party. Like I said... Quite an amazing slew of memories. I guess you could say we had a good run.

I will miss her. I already do. I wish her all the best in the world. And, I hope she continues to write, she had some great ideas. I'm confident she'll find the love she's looking for. I'm not worried about her. She's pretty stubborn, and will claw her way out of her current unfortunate situations. I do hope she'll think of me from time to time, and maybe smile. I know I won't forget her. We had a beautiful friendship. Although we may be going our separate ways, I'll treasure the things she's taught me, and she'll always have a place in my heart.

A New Post!

2011-08-20T22:01:00.002-04:00

I feel like, since I started my other blog, this little internet space hasn't seen as much love. So! I've decided to post a little ditty, just to say hello to you all, and to keep my mad blogging skills sharp. Woot woot.

Not a whole lot has happened in my life since my last "update". I do finally have my own room, which I thank the gods for. My mom and I have done quite a bit of work on her house. Sorting, cleaning, furniture moving, ect... We're actually starting to see some progress, which is encouraging.

I'm attending childbirth classes with my sister. They talk about a lot of uncomfortable things, not much of which is relevent to my life, but I am learning some interesting things. I got to say, though, the videos aren't the best. The videos I saw in 10th grade health class were much more gruesome. Oh well. Aly is doing just fine. Two more months and my niece will be here. Very exciting.

As I stated earlier, I started a new blog. I'm sure most of you have heard already. I'm quite proud of it. I'm writing at least four times a week, which is really good for me. Keeping the juices flowing, if you know what I mean. If you haven't wandered over there yet, please do. It's all about me trying to find beauty in everyday occurances. As you all know, I've taken quite a few beatings these past few months, and the new blog is a place for me to look harder, and see that good things still exist. Sometimes it doesn't seem like there is any light left in the world, and this blog proves you can still find hope, if you know how to look. Any who, The Beauty in Thought is a nice (no hate) blog, where I can contribute a little happy into the universe. Click here to see what's going on over there.

There you have it friends... Evie, Sphinx, Maggie, Betta Fish, Willie, Honey, Chewey, Tucker and I say "hello!"

Bruised, Blistered, and Broken

2011-07-21T14:31:00.002-04:00

I hate moving. Hate. It.

My arms and legs are covered in little (and some rather large) black and purple spots. My feet haven't taken this kind of beating since my pointe work days. Having to both pack and move in three days was frightening. However, I finally have all of my belongings out of Utah. An entire life is now in storage.

Unfortunately, it wasn't without tears. One very important piece of my heart had to be left behind. My grandma. She rapidly lost her house a few weeks ago, and lost something far more important along with it. Due to swollen blood vessels in her brain, most of her memory is gone. In two weeks time, a little confusion (not sure what year it is) escalated to to total disorientation (not recognizing her house, pets, and family members). She's improved since then, but with the loss of her home, and her not able to live alone, decisions had to be made.

And they were. My aunt told my mom to look at care centers and other options in Idaho. We did, and with a promising lead. We found a single wide, great looking, mobile home Grandma and I could live in, on my mom's property. We phone my aunt, tell her my grandma can live with absolutely zero bills, and surrounded by family, instead of in an "assisted living" facility. Well... the dream was killed when my aunt informed us they (her and my previously mentioned uncle) found an apartment for her for only about $1000 a month. She makes only a few more hundred a month with her social security, and has four dogs. Not a single pet is welcomed at the new place. She tells us it's no problem, one of the dogs can live with her, one can go to the neighbor, and the other two can just be put down.

True story.

My mom, sister, and I beat feet to SLC and stole the dogs.

My aunt and uncle sold most of my grandma's things and they moved into the new apartment yesterday. They took her phone and won't let her call me. The entire time I was packing, Grandma kept saying "please take me with you", "what am I going to do when you leave?". The dogs started barking and she panicked telling me "Scotty is going to kill them", one night we took her to a hotel because she was so afraid during one of my uncle's tirades.

I tell you... this whole situation is 100% bullshit. I don't know if she's upset, I don't know if she's safe, I don't know if she's healthy. I know nothing. And, I'm totally helpless. I'm not one to normally ask this but, to those of you who pray, if you could send a little one on behalf of my grandma, I'd appreciate it. She doesn't deserve to live in fear, but she is. And, it's breaking my heart.

I'd also like to extend another thank you to Garrett for helping me move my stuff up all those stairs. You're a hero. Also, the people from my mom's church for helping us unload. Champions, all of you.

Day 21: Turn On's and Turn Off's

2011-06-30T16:55:00.000-04:00

Turn on's include but are not limited to:

Deep smile lines
Suits
Shiny eyes
Certain accents
Intelligence
Strong, firm jaw
Confidence
Musical instrument playing
Comedic style

Turn off's and/or possible deal breakers:

Animal allergies
Taking longer than me to get ready
Liking certain football teams
Being mean to animals
Not knowing what you want
Lying
Thinking I'm not "tough enough"
Too clingy

Day 20: Concerts You Have Attended

2011-06-30T00:08:00.001-04:00

This is where you're going to roll your eyes. Get ready for it. Seriously, stretch first.

Music is very important to me. I listen to it. I love it.

But, not in any sort of "normal" way. My favorite genres would be film scores and classical. Enough of the stalling, on to the list.

My first concert I attended was Lee Greenwood. I was two-ish years old and it was at the Utah State fair. He blew me a kiss.
Next was Billy Ray Cyrus. I was nine and in the third grade. He was my idol. Because of that, he will always have a special place in my heart.
After that came Garth Brooks. (Can you tell I was raised on country music?) I sat with my cousin Andrea and school chum Jenna. We were 12 or 13, I don't remember exactly. Any who, he put on a good show.
Since I got the aforementioned school chum a ticket to Garth Brooks, she scored me a ticket to the Brooks & Dunn/Reba McEntire concert. I had a ball, because Reba was very important to me. Still is. There's even a rather legitimate chance I'm related to her. For reals.
Now we move into the boy band phase. Excited?! Okay. N'SYNC. I only got to see the last half of the encore. Why, you ask? Excellent question. We got tickets months in advance, and I learned later that I had a rehearsal. This was during my ballet dancer years, and the rehearsal was deemed "VERY IMPORTANT". So, I did my dancer duty and went to rehearsal. Lame. I shouldn't have, the rehearsal hardly involved me and I was pissed. But! You gotta do what you gotta do. I rushed to the concert late, and missed the entire show. I did enjoy the limo ride home with my girls, though.
N'SYNC again. This time, I saw the whole show, and we were about 15th row on the ground. We had a freaking blast. I wore my wristband for weeks.
Chris LeDoux. My mom rodeoed with him in Europe decades (did you hear that Mom? I said decades) ago. So, we've always been fans.
One more for Chris LeDoux. He didn't sing Copenhagen this time around. So after the show, people who brought Copenhagen cans threw them at the stage anyway. My mom chucked hers right into a security guard. Awesome.
December of 2007 I was taken to the Trans-Siberian Orchestra concert. My hell, what a show. Those people redefine epic. I'm bummed I have yet to see Beethoven's Last Night. However, this show was so much fun. I felt on top of the world. My friend Chaz and I had the time of our lives and will never forget it.

Thus ends my list. It's a little sad, but I don't think I'm really bothered by it. Concerts aren't really my thing. I enjoyed every single one of them, but I'm pretty content about my lack of concert attendance.

Day 19: A List of All the Places You've Lived

2011-06-28T20:12:00.000-04:00

Ripon, California

West Valley, Utah

Sandy, Utah

West Jordan, Utah

South Jordan, Utah

Riverton, Utah

Midvale, Utah

Davenport, Florida

Orlando, Florida

Aberdeen, Idaho

And, I think that's it.

Day 18: Name the TV Show You've Become Addicted to

2011-06-27T19:39:00.002-04:00

My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic

Don't judge me!

I freaking love this show.

I grew up on My Little Ponies. I wanted to live with them. They were my best friends. When this new generation pooped up, I wasn't sure I liked their new design. Then (thanks to a few MLP tumblrs, which are awesome) I found the screencaps hilarious, and a nice use of animation. So, I checked into it, and decided to watch a few episodes. I thought it was... nice. They were okay, not terrific. Then, Pinkie Pie showed up. OH MY HELL. She makes the show. Her randomness is flawless, and she makes perfect sense by not making any sense. If that makes any sense...

After I understood the dynamic and the way each pony contributes, I fell in love. I also love the way it's funny, but not in a crude, or demeaning way. So many shows for kids these days are obnoxious, loud, and disrespectful. Young people get enough of that in the real world. Let's show them some fun, and beauty.

And, Pinkie Pie is funny.

Day 17: What Do You Want to Be When You Get Older?

2011-06-26T17:32:00.000-04:00

I'm going to do this in list form, if you don't mind.

When I was a small child:

Zookeeper
Waitress
Dancer
Singer
Roller skater

High school/young adult years:

Actress
Fashion designer
Private investigator
Lawyer
Dancer
Writer

Stuff I've actually gone to school for:

Film
Anthropology/archeology
Law
Graphic design

Things I REALLY want to be:

Superhero
Spy
Paranormal researcher
Museum curator
Writer
Rock star
Pirate

I guess you could say I'm a little indecisive.

Day 16: If the World Were to End Tomorrow, What Would You Do With Your Remaining Time on Earth?

2011-06-25T18:21:00.002-04:00

Honestly, I would eat SO MUCH DELICIOUS FOOD.

And, laugh. A lot.

Day 15: A Photo of Someone You Fancy at the Moment

2011-06-24T20:41:00.001-04:00

Allow me to paint a picture with words. (To protect his identity, of coarse)

Fair of hair, light of eyes, nice build. Funny, personable, happy.

Hot.

Lives far away from me, now.

Has no idea I pine for him. (Ha!)

... May have a girlfriend*

Specific enough for you?

*Does have a girlfriend

Day 14: Provide Pictures of Five Celbrity Crushes

2011-06-23T18:25:00.004-04:00

Daniel Craig

Ewan McGregor
David Bowie/Jareth the Goblin King
Heath Ledger
David Tennant

Enjoy the eye candy, ladies!

Day 13: Three Confessions of Your Choice

2011-06-22T15:59:00.001-04:00

One time, when I was a small child, I broke a plastic hanger when my family and I were at Sears. I thought they were going to send me to jail. So I cried.
I can not get enough HGTV
Senior year of high school, I had a crush on a boy (who people told me looked like Harry Potter, which I didn't see then, but see now) and I rigged the instrumental music secret santa drawing so I could be his secret santa. It didn't help. He still didn't notice me.

Day 12: Screeshot Your Desktop

2011-06-21T16:36:00.002-04:00

And, there it is.

Day 11: Your Favorite Quote

2011-06-20T13:35:00.004-04:00

For quite sometime it's been:

And although I'm having trouble letting go of it, lately I've been obsessed with the poem Invictus by William Ernest Henely:

I also try to live by this, however I suck at it:

Day 10: If You Could Only Live Off of One Food and One Beverage for the Rest of Your Days, What Would They Be?

2011-06-20T00:26:00.001-04:00

I would have to say a burger and fries (that counts as one food, I promise) because that's my go to/default order. When I'm at a new restaurant, or don't know what I want, I go with a burger, simply because I know I'm going to like it; and I ALWAYS want fries. Always.

Coffee would be my beverage of choice. Like you didn't know that. It's freaking perfection.

Day 9: Pet Peeves

2011-06-18T12:28:00.001-04:00

I have many, MANY, pet peeves. Some of which I'm silent about, others I repeat to the world over and over again.

Let's start with an easy one... The new opening to Doctor Who. *Unpopular opinion time!!* I'm rapidly losing my fondness for Amy Pond. Not necessarily her as a character, (although I don't think, nor ever have thought she deserves Rory) but this whole "turn Doctor Who into the Amy Pond show" is trying my patience. After the show's opening scene when it's supposed to cut to the credit sequence and I hear "when I was a little girl..." instead, it's all I can do to not just shut it off and leave the room. Instant hate. I'm over it. The show is titled Doctor Who not Amy Pond-Loser Face.

I understand if any of you unfollow me due to the above rant.

Another skin crawling annoyance I have is when people forget there are two sides to every story. Especially in "entertainment news" (which I loathe) and politics. I tend to steer away from such topics, anyway. I find myself wanting to turn it into a debate on human intentions, and the arguer's narrow perspectives, which people frown upon. So, I keep my mouth shut. I don't like to hurt people's feelings, and calling their interests ignorant, and their opinions mean, often leads to injured pride. I'm not in the business of being an asshole. Well, I try not to be...

Sometimes people have this little habit of using the same joke over, and over, and over, and over, and over... Leave it alone people! There are several of my family members of which I can predict what they're going to say in response to something, only because they use that "joke" a hundred times a day. Get some new material. Please! I beg you!

Don't eat my food. I'll kill you dead. That's all I need to say on that one.

I really hate loaning my stuff out. Really. I'm not sure if it's because I'm afraid to get it back, or if I think you're going to wreck whatever I give you... I don't know. I just don't like doing it.

You know when you go to the bathroom (stay with me, I'm not going to get gross) and you reach over... and THERE IS NO TOILET PAPER. Yup. How hard is it to just put a new roll in the dispenser?! I don't understand! It's so disrespectful to care only about your own butt and not the butts of others! Ever heard of common courtesy?! Yeah... You're doing it wrong. WRONG.

Well, I can really go on for days... but, I'm just going to leave you with these choice few pet peeves, and release you to go about your day.

Day 8: Three Things You Want to Say to Different People

2011-06-17T17:28:00.001-04:00

Jessie- I love you and I know you're going through a tough time right now. However, if you pull that shit again I'm going to kill you myself. Love ya :)

Future Niece- You're awesome. Keep being awesome. Don't worry. I'll teach you how.

Captain Jas Hook- I'm here and I'm single. Now is your chance...

Day 7: Do You Read? What are Your Favorite Books?

2011-06-17T17:16:00.001-04:00

Bah ha ha! Do I read?!

Duh.

Yes, I read. Too much, usually. So much, in fact, that it's not uncommon for me to be reading more than one book at a time. Right now I'm reading The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy and I'm about to start The Catcher in the Rye. Very excited about both.

Some of my favorites include, but are not limited to:

Lord of the Rings

The Once and Future King

The Vampire Lestat

Neverending Story

The Adventures of a Notorious Youth, Capt. Hook

I also enjoyed the Harry Potter, the Inheritance cycle, the Song of Ice and Fire series, the Alchemist... I could go on for days.

Day 6: What Band or Musician is Most Important to You?

2011-06-15T18:38:00.000-04:00

Gah! I'm not picking just one. Not. Doing. It.

In random order:

David Bowie

The Beatles

Billy Joel

The Spice Girls

Elton John

Michael Jackson

Day 5: Five Places You Want to Visit

2011-06-15T01:03:00.000-04:00

Only five?! I'll try.

Scotland, I think, would be first on the list. Just because I feel like I belong there. I have a bumper sticker (the entire length of my bumper) that reads "real men wear kilts". I can not tell you how many time I've caught people snapping cell phone pics of the back of my car. It's alright, though. Fredrick likes the attention.

England is on "the list". I would love it there. I feel like they know how to live. They do it right.

France. So I can eat bread and look at art.

Egypt. Pyramids. Valley of the Kings. Cairo Museum.

Italy. Food. Art. Food. More food.

Well, shit. I've reached my five already! Dammit. I didn't get to India, or the Cayman Islands, Greece or Canada. I want to go on an Alaskan cruise too!

Ha ha. I cheated. I listed more than five...

Day 4: The Meaning Behind Your Blog Name

2011-06-13T14:39:00.000-04:00

My Tumblr and Blogspot "name" is KimmySoo. To reveal the personal meaning this name has we have to go back... Way back.

Picture, if you will, a wee little 7th grader called Kim. It's the first day of middle school. (Yes, in Utah middle school doesn't start until 7th grade; I have no idea why they feel the need to do that) She's nervous and knows not one person in her homeroom class. She decided not to attend the same middle school all of her fellow classmates from elementary school flew off to.

She wanted new opportunities. New opportunities and better safety. There was quite a high violence and gang rating at her "in range" middle school. So, she chose elsewhere.

Anywho... Sitting in front of the wide eyed, freaked out, little girl was a blond girl.

Andrea Bowen.

I will never forget Andrea Bowen. Lots of golden hair, gathered in a ponytail, glasses, short, but spicy. She wasn't one to be pushed around. She enjoyed laughing, though. She quickly introduced herself to me, then asked my name.

"Kim" I told her.

Well... that wasn't cool enough I guess. Throughout the next week, she took to adding the extra m and y. But, that still wasn't good enough. At the end of the week, I walked into class, sat down and was greeted by miss Andrea Bowen.

"Hey there Kimmy Sue!"

"Hey, Andrea. Sue isn't my middle name" I answered, giggling. I was beginning to figure her out, and learned when in doubt, laugh.

Shaking her head Andrea Bowen only said "I don't care. I like it and will call you that from now on."

That she did, too.

I went home that afternoon, and told my family about my new friend Andrea Bowen, and her nickname for me. They found it hilarious, and started referring to me as their Kimmy Sue.

Well, I'm a bit of an odd duck. I enjoyed the name, don't get me wrong. However, I was still troubled by the fact that my middle name is not, nor ever has been, Sue. I felt quite conflicted with my middle name conundrum.

So what do I do? I make it my own. Change the ue to oo. Soo.

I like it!

Let's sum up!

Kim=Kimmy=Kimmy Sue=Kimmy Soo

Now, here I am, 26 years old and I'm still referred to as Kimmy Soo. It stuck. I use it for most "username" scenarios.

Day 3: Your Day in Great Detail

2011-06-12T20:35:00.003-04:00

I awoke this morning quite naturally. No noises. No urge to pee. No alarm. Wait... No alarm. What?! Why didn't it go off? It wakes me up everyday. EVERYDAY.

What happened? What did I miss? What am I late for? Oh right.

Nothing.

Hey, there's coffee! Awesome.

Well... Look at that. I accidentally turned off the repeat feature on my phone's alarm clock. Cool. All fixed now. What's going on on Tumblr?

Hmm... A bit quiet. My Little Pony on the tele for background noise? Perfect.

Facebook.

Tumblr

Tumblr. Tumblr. Tumblr

Email.

That sure was fun. Cinnamon rolls for breakfast sounded fun too. Mmm.

Still hungry.

Cereal.

Clanging in the kitchen signifies Mom is doing some dishes. Good. Good. Decide to empty dishwasher. While placing items in their correct cabinet (which wasn't easy, I'm new here) I noticed the lack of garbage bag in garbage. Better write down that were out.

I figured I may as well make an actual grocery list.

Aaaaaand, done. Good looking list.

Tumblr again.

Movie with mom. Knight and Day with Cruise and Diaz. Eh, not the best, but it had a moment or two.

Mom suggested watching another movie. What movie do I choose? Muppets from Space.

'Cause I'm sophisticated like that.

Ate a Twinkie. It was delicious.

At this point, tea was what I needed. Lazy Sundays require tea.

What kind... what kind... what kind...? Oooh! Blueberry!

Divine.

Now I'm back on Tumblr (don't judge) drinking tea, and waiting for the Tony's to begin. Neil Patrick Harris! I am excite!

Day 2: 10 Likes & Dislikes

2011-06-11T13:26:00.001-04:00

Likes-

Classic Art
Elaborate architecture
Flowers
Warm summer nights
Men in suits
Stars
Batman
Pirates/skull and cross bones
Thunderstorms
Jackets with hoods

Dislikes-

Being cold
"The media"
Wearing pink
Renewing my car registration
Driving through construction
"New" country music
Vegetables
Wet socks
Places that are too loud
The overuse of sarcasm

Day 1: Write Some Basic Things About Yourself

2011-06-10T22:37:00.004-04:00

I could just copy/paste either of my blog "descriptions", but that's sort of a cheater's way to start off a writing challenge. Not that I'm opposed to cheating, I do that a lot (not in relationships, mind you).

Any who, I usually start with something along the lines of: I'm just a girl who likes to write stuff. While that is completely true, I feel it only describes me professionally, not so much personally. I do write. Not as much as I used to, but I'm on my way back to writing on a regular basis. That's where this challenge will hopefully come in.

But, I digress. Let's start with a few "basic" facts.

I'm a 26 year old lady
My hair is usually deep brown, but is currently reddish brown
My eyes are reminiscent of chocolate drops
Single
Childless
Caretaker of two cats, a dog, and a fish
Newest resident of Idaho

I like to read, watch movies and television, and spend far too much of my day onTumblr. I listen to music a lot of people don't listen to, and not even in a hipster way. The iPod is packed to the brim with movie scores and Disney music. IN MY DEFENSE: words usually don't cut it for me, when I'm in certain emotional states, and I used to work for Disney. (Yes, I was in entertainment, and no, I can't give you many details)

I have a loud family. I spend a lot of time with said loud family. If I ever take a dude to meet them, they will hate him and I've come to terms with that. We don't like "outsiders". Huh... Sounds like I'm in a mob family.

I'm not. But, my crew is bad ass in their own way.

I'm an avid watcher of Doctor Who, Friends, Project Runway, Food Challenge, The Office, Big Bang Theory, House Hunter's International, Fraiser, any British comedy, and... that's all I can think of on the spot.

My favorite movie is Moulin Rouge!, followed by Stay, Almost Famous, Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street, Labyrinth, Star Wars, Monty Python and the Holy Grail, Burn After Reading, and a hundred thousand Disney movies.

I like outer space, theater, NASCAR, polar bears, coffee, flowers, pirates, fashion, football, black lace, dolphins, and my favorite color is green.

I'm in love with the following men: Captain Hook, Jareth the Goblin King, Darth Vader, The Phantom of the Opera, Jaime Lannister, Lestat, and James Bond.

I feel the need to mention my love of coffee again.

Coffee.

What else...? I used to dance, I can tie a cherry stem in a knot with my tongue, lightening is one of my best friends, and ravens spy on me.

Also, I'm a crazy person.

Challenge Accepted!

2011-06-10T22:32:00.002-04:00

Day one starts today. I need some motivation to write more, and I think this is just the ticket. Enjoy!

Esto Perpetua

2011-06-08T14:55:00.004-04:00

Let it be perpetual. The official state motto of Idaho. Not bad...

Well, I made it safe and sound to the new residence of Aberdeen Idaho. So did Sphinx, Maggie, Evie, and Betta Fish. They were freaking troopers. Poor Betta Fish had to ride in a cup holder. But! We made it. We're here.

It's going to be a bit dodgy for this first little while (three people, two bedrooms, one bathroom) but it shouldn't be too long until it's more... comfortable. Honestly, though, it's not at all horrible.

I'm still working on feeling better. Trying my best to settle myself down. Sometimes I feel like a sort of refugee. Running for the hills of Idaho. Oh well. It's fine.

This isn't meant to be a long post. Only a quick "hello, from the state of perpetual-ness."

That is all.

Homewrecker

2011-06-04T14:45:00.003-04:00

So! Change of plans. Again.

The job didn't work out. Long story short: they put me in danger, and they put their patients in danger, and I don't support that. So I left. But, it's fine. I have a new career.

Homewrecker.

I'm very good at it so far. I've managed to make a lot of family members angry without even trying. Finally! I've found something I'm good at!

Allow me to fill you in. For the last year, my MIA uncle resurfaced and has been living with Grandma and I. Alright. Fine. Then, Grandma had the scary surgery and the rigorous recovery. All of a sudden I'm stupid. According to the intruding uncle, I know nothing about Grandma, don't know the first thing about caring for people in their mature phase of life, and have no clue how to "run the house" while Grandma is out of commission. Let's look back over the last few years, shall we?

I've lived with Grandma almost all of my 26 years. Not a single day has gone by in which I haven't spoken to her. Not one. We know each other inside and out.
Who was here when Grandpa got so ill? Who was there everyday at the hospital with him? Who moved home to help him and spend time with him? Oh right. Not you. That was Kim.
One of our little poodles (whom I picked out when I was 15, by the way) is diabetic. I'm pretty sure I've been one of his "caregivers" for years. Also, if I'm not mistaken, I've been a member of the household for years. I think... I think... I know how things work.

You can determine for yourself my qualifications to help Grandma out, like I was already doing. However, another has found me unfit to fulfill such duties. That's fine. I'll take a step back and let you try to work off some of the guilt you have for not being here, and not giving a rat's ass for however many decades you decided you no longer wanted to be a part of this family. (Woah... I guess I am upset. Look at that run on sentence!) You can kiss Grandma's tush all you want. It'll probably work. Let me rephrase, it did work. She's wrapped around your precious little finger. But, like I said, that's fine.

What's NOT fine, however, is your "attitude". Your anger and rage are unsatisfactory. Examples include, but are not limited to:

You've thrown my cat
You've yelled at our timid, afraid, once highly abused dog
I once had to separate you from my mom's dog when you had your hand around his throat.

In what universe are any of these behaviors deemed acceptable?!

But, I digress. The point is, I've made my case to Grandma on several occasions. I've stated my discomfort and feelings of being unsafe. I said unsafe. Who deserves to feel unsafe in their own home? No one. I've felt afraid in my house for a year now. But, Grandma made her choice. He's still here, and "she said he wouldn't be".

She lied.

So, I'm out. She chose him. The one person in this whole giant planet I thought would always be my teammate left me. I didn't think I could feel such a sense of betrayal. Especially from her. I just feel as though my foundations have been shattered. I don't know how to even view the world anymore.

Oh! I forgot the best part. Another family member or two now hates my guts. Because of my choice to try and save myself from the road of grief, panic, and irreversible decisions, I must be selfish, spoiled, and mean. Apparently, I don't care about Grandma. I'm horrible and only care about myself.

This is where the homewrecker part comes in. I'm leaving. My mom needs some help getting her house ready for the arrival of my niece. So, heigh ho, heigh ho, it's off to Idaho I go. I leave Monday.

One by one, my family will hate me for the decision. Some of them already do. I figure it's only a matter of time. Maybe I am selfish and careless. I suppose I am being reckless with Grandma's feelings. Evidently, there's a price to pay when you run for your life.

20th of May 2011 What if...?

2011-05-20T18:32:00.004-04:00

... The world really ends tomorrow.

I know it's cliche.

I started thinking earlier, "if we cut out the jokes, and the bull shit, and really think about it all ending, how would I feel about it?"

Not in a "God/religion/maybe I should repent kind of way", but a" what have I done with my life/am I satisfied with who I am as a person/are there things I would want to say to people" kind of way.

I think I'm content as a person. My personality has brought a lot of laughs and I've helped people out in times of need. Financially I'm a lost cause and/or useless, but I don't think after all is said and done (whatever done means) any dollar amount or material possession will matter. I do wish, however, that I were a little braver. I think that's one of the only things I would change about myself. I wouldn't change the fact that I'm wary of "love" or don't make finding a husband any sort of priority. That's saved me from an ass-load of heartache and I'm at peace with that. I wouldn't change that I follow my instincts in all occasions. I wouldn't change that I'm a good liar and I would definitely keep the fact that I have nice hair.

Yup. Just the courage thing. I would speak up more when things bug me, or ask more questions.

Maybe I would burp less... but probably not.

Also, I'm VERY VERY disappointed (I mean, as disappointed as a person can be!) that an alien party has yet to land and/or make contact. Lame.

Or have they?

Cha Cha Cha Chaaaanges

2011-04-28T16:18:00.004-04:00

Turn and face the strange!! Ah, Bowie. We need to be best friends.

Big things are coming up. A number of changes are going to take place. Shall I rattle them off one by one? Okay!

I got a job! I start Monday and I'm nervous. I'm always nervous when starting a new job. I hate it, frankly. This job, however, is unlike any I've ever had. Cottonwood Treatment Center is the name of my new employer, and I'll be working as a "mental health worker". I figured there was a chance I'd end up in the mental health field. I think I'll be happy doing something legit. I feel this is an important job. Something that's giving back to society and/or helping people. Not going to lie... I'm a little excited.
I'm moving out. As soon as I've got enough cash saved, I'm hoping by mid-June, I'm packing my bags and getting my own place. It will be small, it will be cheap, but it will be mine. Due to some enlightening circumstances within my home life, I've decided it's time to move on.
School has been placed on the back burner. Surprise surprise. It's a decision I didn't really have the privilege of making. It was made for me, by recent events and lack of monies. Hopefully, I'll be back on track by September.

A lot of exciting times are on their way. I'm hoping the universe deals me the same good energy I'm putting forth. The last few months have been ugly ones, and I only want to claw my way towards contentment and a life worth living.

I also feel the need to mention ye olde myth of the Phoenix. All of the crazy and hurt in my life lately has really brought me down. I've found myself in some dark places and wish to be free of them. Fire after theoretical fire, sparking every which way; and it's now time to rise like the ancient Phoenix. Free from the ashes and burns I didn't deserve. Free to take my own flight plan and not one chosen for me.

I bet the sky is pretty up there.

In the Morning Time

2011-03-21T14:25:00.002-04:00

6:00 A.M. and I don't see eye to eye.

Court houses are most interesting, but the seats are horribly uncomfortable.

I need coffee.

New phones are fun. However, they do take some getting used to.

Seriously, coffee now.

And, maybe a nap.

Heart Attacks and Parasites.

2011-03-10T15:08:00.003-05:00

I've been slightly out of commission lately. Which lead me to remove myself from communications (including social networks). Being not quite ready to enter the world, I'm going to bring my few readers up to speed on the events leading up to said removal. A few things I'm not so willing to speak about, however I'll touch on a few.

My grandma had a heart attack. Two hours later she was in surgery for a triple bypass and a valve replacement. She's never had high cholesterol, her EKG the week before was perfect, and she was in most excellent shape. Needless to say, it shocked us all. The second night after her surgery her lung collapsed, so she headed back to ICU for another day. It was freaking hell. Fear not, she's doing much MUCH better now. They moved her up to the rehab floor and seems to be thriving.

My mom had to unexpectedly go out of town, right before Grandma's cardiac event, leaving me a little shaken with more responsibility than usual. Not to mention, my Uncle had left town shortly after. Sleep was scarce, and time for internet checking just wasn't available.

Things are starting to turn around. My sister has a parasite, most people call it pregnant, and we are very VERY VERY VERY excited about it. I've never wanted to be a mom, but I most definitely want to be an auntie. Seen the movie Practical Magic? Andrea and I are looking forward to being like "The Aunts". What can I say? The kid is pretty loved already.

Alright, that's the best I can update for now. I still have a hundred thousand things to do. I also have to work on phasing myself back into "life".

Tea!

2011-02-01T21:39:00.005-05:00

For my birthday the ladies and I went to afternoon tea at the Grand America Hotel.

We were dressed in our high society wear, complete with gloves, long necklaces, and feathered hairpieces. We really looked the part. The spitting image of class and sophistication. It was quickly learned, however, that we need a few lessons in etiquette (I couldn't stop talking with my mouth full, for instance). A grand time was had that afternoon. (Get it? Grand? Grand America Hotel...? I'm so punny.) Thank you my lovely ladies for an unforgettable day of near poise and grace.

Alright... You Asked For It!

2011-01-26T14:44:00.004-05:00

Cue the Apocalypse. Kim is hereby posting an excerpt from her short story Kevin. It's a finished work, so it's not likely that anything will be revised, other than typos and such. I don't really know what other preamble to give it, so... Enjoy! (Or don't, you don't have to like it)

Also, it's mine. Any copying of any kind is 100% illegal. Gotta protect my stuffs.

Kevin

Ellis Island.

I’d hardly call it an island. It’s more like a rock dropped in a harbor. It was only big enough to hold the visitor center.

I’m not a visitor. I’m a resident. Bile rises in my throat at the thought of living in such a polluted, over inhabited world.

New York. Not really new, but it sure as hell is new to me. Looking out the window I can see the number of cloud reachers. I wonder if they call them cloud reachers here? They probably have a different name for them. By the looks of all the metal and the smell of the grime in the air, they may refer to them as tall buildings and short buildings. I doubt they have the imagination to come up with an elaborate structure name like “cloud reacher”.

I never thought I’d miss the beauty of home. I spent most of my time indoors. Inside with my electrical processors and a cup of coffee. That was all I ever needed.

Now, though, I’m stuck here. Outside of my tenement. God, I’m probably going to have to talk to other people.

As I walk in no particular direction, I wonder about who will be “collecting” me. The only information I have is my new name, offender number, and that I would be collected at Ellis Island on February 26th. I reread my little identification card again, in case I missed something:

Kevin Brown

#355-27187-51

Earth

Ellis Island 02/26/27

“Great” I mumble to myself, rolling my eyes, “what the hell am I supposed to do now?”

Looking around, hoping for a clue, I see nothing. Just the big empty visitor center. Being on the upper floor, I walk to the railing so I can see the entire establishment. I peer over the edge. In the big open space, down below, are a few groups of people. All of them with a child or two. They must all be visiting. Visiting what, I still don’t know. None of them seem to be paying attention to me, but why would they? Obviously my collector won’t have children with them.

I turn around and rest my elbows on the railing. This waiting is killing me. I feel like that’s all I’ve done since I was arrested. Go here and wait. Go there and wait. Attend your trial and wait. It’s hard to imagine my trial started only two weeks ago. The Magistrate’s words still pound in my ears, over and over again.

“Genhuul Fyx you have been found guilty of intentional murder by other means on all accounts. I can give you to a life sentence in an improvement environment. However, due to your complete lack of remorse and utter failure to gain a conscious throughout this entire ordeal, I am sentencing you to fifty years on Earth. After which you can begin conditional release proceedings. I hope, for your sake Mr. Fyx, that while imprisoned on Earth, you gain some humanity. For you are without. Enforcers, ready him for transport. Get this creature out of my sight.”

It was like a theme park automated ride spiel. Only instead of “keep your arms and legs inside at all times” it was “fifty years on Earth”. I hadn’t even any time to adjust to the idea of an off world existence. The next morning I was loaded into a transporter stall, and woke up in the Ellis Island men’s toilet chamber. What a lovely awakening that was.

Where the hell is this guy? This shit always happens to me. I was going about just fine. Minding my own business, making a living the only way I knew how when those damned enforcers showed up; busted down my door without so much as a knock. Wearing nothing but under shorts and socks they paraded me down the hall, in wrist chains. One day I’ll get back home and spit on every one of ‘em. It’s not my fault I’m good at what I do. If the government paid better than methodized illegality, I’d work for them. But, the legitimate guys don’t pay as much, so I’m left with no choice. I got to watch out for me. Nobody I know would choose less money over more money. Nobody.

Wait. I think there’s someone coming. Three people heading my way. A man and a woman, with another woman behind them. Yup. The two in front are looking right at me. These must be my collectors. Why are there three of them? Am I that big a threat? I should be honored, but I’m almost useless without my individual electronic processor. I probably don’t need one correctional enforcer, let alone three.

The guy in front seems pretty normal. That thick brown hair must be a pain to keep clean in this god awful air. He’s pretty lean, though. Even with his long, dark brown, coat I can tell he doesn’t have much bulk to him. Not the ideal build for an enforcer. Hanging from one shoulder was his bag. He must be the all work, socially awkward, probably made fun of while growing up type.

The girl next to him said something, smiling. Her shoulder length, wavy red hair bouncing a little as she walks. Damn, she’s probably one of those cheerful, “I’m going to change your life you’ll see!” people. She’s got thick, black framed glasses and is carrying a white scarf and wool, navy blue, jacket. I can feel her sunshine and rainbows philosophy even at 15 feet away.

The one in the back was just walking. Straight faced, with her black leather jacket, and sunglasses still on. She also had a scarf. A black and red one. It’s must be pretty cold outside. Which means I’m going to freeze my ass off. Great.

The man spoke first, “Hello there, you must be...” he searches his pockets, looking for their orders to collect me no doubt.

The red haired girl just looks at me, slightly wide eyed.

“Kevin” the girl in the back says. “Kevin Brown.” She flips her long, very dark brown, hair off her shoulder then hands him the folded paper he was looking for. From what I can tell she hasn’t’ taken her eyes off me.

“Thank you” the man says, smiling at her. He takes the paper, unfolds it and reads the text. “Ah, yes. Is this you?” he asks, handing me the paper. It was identical to my identification card:

Kevin Brown

#355-27187-51

Earth

Ellis Island 02/26/27

I roll my eyes. “I guess so”.

“Do you have your ID card?” he asks.

“Oh, right” I pull it out of my gray pant’s pocket. Hopefully I can change out of my lock up clothes soon. The steel gray pants and tee-shirt were doing nothing to help my mood.

“All right” says the man, smiling at me. Handing it back he goes on “Everything seems to be in order. I’m William Roberts” he holds out his hand.

I shake it.

William turns to the young, red haired, woman. “This is Lauren Anderson”

“Hi there” she says. Also, shaking my hand. Her eyes are like perfect little chocolates.

“And this is Rebecca Tyler” William tells me, gesturing to the dark haired woman.

She didn’t shake my hand.

“Here” Lauren says, handing me a men’s, black wool jacket. “It’s cold as balls outside.”

I put it on, hoping it’s warm enough. I don’t need this day to get any more miserable.

“You’re welcome, now let’s blow this popcicle stand” Lauren tells me.

Her and William turn around and head toward the giant staircase. Rebecca steps aside, then jerks her head toward the others, telling me to move along. She’s got to be an enforcer. These other two are probably case managers or counselors.

What a fun-filled fifty years it’s going to be.

I catch up to the others, Rebecca follows behind me. As if I’m going to make a run for it. Where the hell would I go?

We reach the bottom of the stairs, and William opens the door for us. It’s bright outside. Too bright. I shield my eyes, but it’s almost burning right through my eyelids.

“Wear these” I hear someone say. It’s too much to open my eyes and find out which woman said it. I feel the pair of sunglasses pushed into my hand. Quickly putting them on, I blink back the water in my eyes.

William pats me on the back, he’s about three inches shorter than me. “It can take the eyes a little while to adjust to direct sunlight. And, don’t worry, that smell is normal.”

I notice it just as he says it. Oh God! What is that? It’s that grime smell from inside, only magnified by a hundred. I put the sleeve of my jacket over my hand and up to my nose. “What the hell is that?!” I ask them.

William inhales deeply. “That, my friend, is New York. The air quality isn’t really worse than home’s. It’s just... different. You’ll get used to it.” He points to a ferry docking at the edge of the island. “The ferry ride will help.”

“Are you kidding me?” I blurt out. “Off world transport, new air, and a rickety old sea cruise all in one morning?”

Lauren smiles at me. “Welcome to Earth.”

Earth.

I hate the word. I hate the idea. I hate that I’m boarding a beat up ferry for the, oh so fabulous, New York.

Toward the front, I sit on the first bench I find. Lauren trots up to the railing overlooking the water. William and Rebecca sit next to me. One on each side. What am I going to do, jump overboard? That’s the life of an offender, I guess. Never to be trusted again.

The vessel slowly lurches forward. It gains speed faster than I thought it could. The frigid sea breeze makes my nose run, but it does help with the smell.

Up front, Lauren stretches her arms out wide. Apparently, boat rides are her thing. She looks like a child. I hope she’s not supposed to be an authority figure.

“Will” Rebecca says “Go get her. It’s freaking freezing.”

“Good plan” he agrees. He jumps up and walks over to her.

I look over at Rebecca. She’s frowning. I let out a quiet scoff. “You look almost as pissed as I am.”

Her face snapped toward me. So much anger behind her emerald eyes.

Hold on.

Her eyes. I’ve only now noticed her sunglasses are gone. She looks me up and down. The anger quickly turns to annoyance as she shakes her head, then goes back to staring straight ahead.

“Do you want your glasses back?” I ask, reaching up to take them off.

“Keep them on” she replies, quickly. “Your eyes aren’t ready yet. Mine have had plenty of time to get used to it.”

“Exactly how long have you been here?” I wonder.

“Oh, diving right into the good stuff” Lauren said, as her and William return to the bench. Well, William sat on the bench. Lauren sat in front of me, on the ground. What a weirdo.

William takes over the conversation, “Good idea. There’s nobody around to hear us, so let’s get it out of the way. I’m forty four years old. I’ve been here thirteen of my thirty year sentence. One count of impulsive murder.”

“Wait, wait, wait” I interrupt. “You’re an offender?”

“Of coarse” William tells me.

I’m stunned. No wonder there was a total lack of professionalism.

“In a way, Kevin” he goes on “We’re all the same, Laura?”

She nods. “I’ve been here six years. Several counts of robbery, including the Royal Scepter of Incartan, a number of Plushio paintings, and endless bank jobs. Not too shabby for being a nineteen year old girl. They finally caught me at First International Bank, turned out my demo guy was in on it. He was offered a shortened sentence in exchange for my capture. It would have hurt less if I wasn’t sleeping with him. I guess that’s why they tell you not to get involved with coworkers. Any who, I refused to rat out my team, which landed me here.”

I’m stunned again. I had actually heard of this girl. “You’re the one who stole the Plushios?!”

She stands up and bows “The very one.”

“You stole from my boss! He was red in the face for days after you stole his precious Day at Sea painting.”

Lauren’s smile falls from her face. “Your boss was Pohlar Verikuss?”

“The mob-boss?” William asks, equally shocked.

“Um, yes my employer was Mr. Verikuss, and what’s a mob-boss?” How was I ever going to learn new jargon for every little thing?

Their moods lightened a bit (except Rebecca’s, hers never changed in the first place) William smiles “Sorry. Here methodized illegality is referred to as organized crime, or if using slang: the mob.”

I slump against the bench. “How the hell am I supposed to relearn English? None of this shit is fair.”

“Oh, tsk tsk. Language Mr. Brown” Lauren says to me, her sarcasm already past irritating.

“Are you guilty of what you were accused of?” Rebecca asks, not turning to face to me.

Of coarse I am. There isn’t a shred of innocence left in me. If there was even any to begin with. “I’m here aren’t I?” I say.

Slowly, she looks over to me. “I didn’t ask if you were found guilty. I asked if you actually are guilty.”

I try to stare her down. Glaring into those piercing green gems, I do my best to intimidate her.

She doesn’t budge.

“Yes” I tell her.

“Then it’s perfectly fair” she states.

William, breaking the tension says “There’s still some ferry ride left, why don’t you give us your story, Kevin?”

Fine. I’ll tell my unfortunate tale. “I was arrested for murder by other means.”

Lauren furrows her brows. “By other means?”

I smile “I’m a hacker. Pohlar hired me to take out unwanted people by using everyday things. You know, so they really do look like accidents. One I caused to be in a fatal auto conveyance smashup. I hacked into the city’s intersection control, tweaked a few lights to go when they shouldn’t, and timed it with high speeds.”

“They’re called cars” Lauren interrupts.

I roll my eyes at her. “I could do just about anything. They were delicate operations, but all successful. Nineteen successful kills, all without ever leaving the comforts of my tenement.”

William stops me and says “Apartments. Tenements are apartments here.”

“Nineteen?” Lauren asks.

“In three years” I add.

“Damn” she says. “You don’t seem to be bothered a bit by having killed nineteen people.”

I shrug “I’m not. Why do I care if these people live or die. It’s not like I know who they are.”

Lauren stands up. “What about their families? What if they had children?!”

Uh oh. I think I woke the beast.

The ferry slowed. “Not my problem” I tell her.

She was speechless, now. It feels kind of good to have upset one of them. This happy family setting was too much for me.

We all stood up as the boat stopped. William was the first to speak “Let’s all go home, yeah?”

He walked to the ramp that led off the ferry and into New York. I follow him. Lauren stays behind with Rebecca.

New York

There are people everywhere. I hate people. They’re the reason I stayed locked up in my tenement (apartment, I mean).

From behind me I hear Rebecca “Laura, do you think you can rustle us up some subway fare?”

“By the looks of all these tourists, not a problem.” she answers.

“Meet us at South Ferry Station” Rebecca tells her.

I look over my shoulder and see Lauren nod, then dive into the crowd.

“Let’s keep moving, then” William says to us.

We do. There are so many people, so many sights, and so many smells. William walks fast, but I keep up. Maneuvering between bodies is all I can concentrate on.

William suddenly stops, he turns to me and says “Here we are.”

I look up and see a sign reading South Ferry Station. “Underground rail?” I ask him.

“Or the subway, as it’s named here” he informs me. “Now we just wait for Laura .”

The wait was shorter than I thought it would be. It’s only been fifteen minutes, and she’s heading this way. That blaze of hair is unmistakable.

She nods to us, and we make our way down, to the subway.

This train is a joke. It smells different than outside, but not better. There are people here too. There seem to be people every which way I turn.

“The ride’s not far” William says. “Why don’t we sit down?” he motions to a few empty seats.

We sit.

Lauren looks to William, “I got enough for dinner tonight too. So you want to eat first or go home first?”

Please let it be to take me home first. I’m not hungry, and I could use a break from the thousands of people.

“Home” Rebecca answers her. “Kevin needs a change of clothes, and to relax.”

William nods “I agree. Let’s stay in tonight. Pizza and some down time.”

Thank God.

We ride the rest of the way in silence.

“We’re the next stop” William finally says to me. “Then home is only a few blocks away.”

I nod.

We get off the train, walk up the stairs and into the fresh (if you can call it fresh) air. The farther we get from the subway, the fewer people I see. I realize the sun is getting lower in the sky. My transport must have been a long one.

A couple of blocks later, I see a brown, dingy building. Little tiny balconies are scattered along the side of it, with ladders connecting them.

William opens the thick metal doors leading inside, and steps back for us to go through.

“Home sweet home” Lauren says as she walks past me, and into the building.

I take off the sunglasses and follow her in.

We walk up four or five flights of stairs. I lose count, starting to realize how tired I am. William leads us down a hallway to a door at the very end. He pulls out a ring with three keys, from his pocket. Selecting the slightly larger key, he inserts in into one the lock, then a smaller key into the lower keyhole on the doorknob. Opening the door, he walks in. Then Lauren. Then me. As always, Rebecca brings up the rear, then closes the door behind her. She re-locks both locks, and a chain at the top.

Great. Must be a bad part of town.

“What is this?” I hear William say.

I walk down the short entry hallway, and into an open room with two chairs, a sofa, and a few lamps. Around the corner, on the other side of the wall of the entry way, is a little kitchen. It looks old and the wooden table and chairs have definitely seen better days. It does, however, smell like food. It smells good. Maybe I am a little hungry.

At the stove, stirring something in a pot, is another man.

Lauren smiled and ran over to him. “James! You’re the best!” she says hugging the young man. He had more muscle than William. His physique was toned, but not massive. His hair was the color of sand, and kind of shaggy.

“I had a free night” he says “so I thought I’d come over and do dinner for ya.”

Lauren smacks him on the ass. “You’re the best!” she says again.

William walks over to me. “James, meet the new guy. This is Kevin. Transported in this evening. Kevin this is James.”

James strides over, and shakes my hand. “Hey. I hope you’re hungry.” He smiles at me.

I half smile back, and leave it at that.

“You’re a good man, James” William says.

“It’s pretty much done. Knock yourselves out” James replies.

William and Lauren peel off their coats and drape them over the wooden chairs. I take mine off, but hold on to it, not really sure where to put it.

“Let’s show you around” Lauren says to me. She takes my coat and leads me to a room on the other side of the kitchen. “This is where you’ll sleep” she tells me. It’s small. The walls are gray, and there are two mattresses on the floor. “Will sleeps in here too. It’s not much, but it’s better than what others have.”

She throws my coat on the mattress farthest from the door, that’s under a window. “And, out here” she continues, walking out of the room, to a white door just outside it. “is the bathroom.” She opens the door. Inside is a toilet, and bathing basin with a shower.

“Toilet chamber equals bathroom?” I ask.

“Yes” she answers. Then, she points to the room across from mine. The door was open and I see two other mattresses on the floor. “That’s where us girls sleep. Cozy isn’t it?” she giggles. “You saw the living room, and there’s a fire escape outside the window in there. That’s it. Let’s eat!”

“Do you want to change first?” I hear William ask me.

“Oh, yeah” I say.

“There’s a tee shirt and a sweat shirt on my bed for you. We’ll have to get you pants tomorrow, seeing as you’re not quite my size” he chuckles.

“Right” I say, and go into the little room to change.

I close the door, and immediately throw off my lockup tee shirt. On William’s bed I see a brown tee-shirt. It says The Beatles in white writing. I shrug. Whatever that means.

I leave the sweat shirt, not needing it, and head for the door. As I grab the doorknob I hear Lauren speaking.

“How long do you think he’ll stay with us, Will?” I hear.

Damn, these are some thin walls.

“Too soon to tell” I hear William answer.

“He’s freaking me out” she says, lowering her voice. “You heard him about not being sorry for killing all those people. It’s like he has no feelings...”

I, silently, open the door, hoping to catch them talking about me. I hate people talking about me.

“Just remember” William tells her “some people don’t feel enough, while others feel too much” then he nodded toward Rebecca, as she plopped down in one of the living room chairs. “Everyone handles their emotions differently.”

What is that supposed to mean? I step out of my room, and close the door. The sound causes William and Lauren to turn around.

William grins. “Shall, we eat?”

I nod.

We go back to the kitchen and sit down at the square wooden table. One of the chairs from the living room was pushed up to it so we could all fit. It was crowded.

Five bowls, five spoons and five glasses of water were already there. I watch as James pours soup into all of the bowls. Now, I’m really hungry.

“Becca!” James calls. “Come and eat.”

“Just a minute” she answers, from the living room. A personal electrical processor was on her lap. It looks a little different from the one I had at home. But it was definitely an electrical processor.

James leaves the table and goes over to her. He closes the processor, and sets it on the couch next to her. “Please? You can do that later” he says. He takes her arm and pulls her to her feet.

She sighs, then comes to the table.

James follows, sitting next to her.

I eat quietly. The others talk about their days, their lives. Lauren makes an inappropriate joke about a politician. I don’t know who he is, so I don’t get it. I’m not worried about it, though. I’ll have fifty years to get it.

After the soup (which wasn’t so bad) James starts clearing up the dishes.

Rebecca stands up too “I’ll help you, before I go to work” she tells James.

Lauren trots over to the sofa. “I figure we better show Kevin how to check in” she says.

“Bring the computer over here” William says.

She picks up the electrical processor, and brings it with her, back to the kitchen. Setting it down in front of me, she opens it up.

“Computer” I say. “Different name, but finally something I can understand.”

William smiles “James, our new fellow here is also a computer guy, quite like yourself.”

“Wait until he gets a load of Interface” James replies over his shoulder from the sink.

Destiny?

2011-01-20T22:12:00.002-05:00

So the school thing didn't happen for Spring 2011. But all is well.

I was really fighting with myself when it didn't happen. I was so pumped, and felt like my "plan" was so right. I was headed in the right direction, and things were going to fall into place. Then, it didn't happen. My paperwork didn't get to me in time, and there was not a damn thing I could have done about it. I panicked. Was this the Fate's way of telling me not to go to school? Was this not meant to be after all? Am I destined to be a bum with a head full of dreams and the gumption for nothing? I really, 100% fully felt it was the Gods telling me I may never amount to anything.

Then! Things took a most interesting turn. The other day, whilst doing nothing particularly worthy of note, I was conversing with mine cousin Andrea. You all remember her. She's the extremely photogenic one, only six months my junior. Any who, I was explaining how I was already thinking of changing my major to art history being as now I had time to lose some focus and think (thinking is bad for me, gets me into trouble). She wondered what I was to do with such a degree in Utah. Perfectly legitimate question. I answered with a laugh and a "girl, I'm not staying in Utah, I'm moving."

"Where?"

"Anywhere! Probably Europe."

There was her light bulb. Bam! You can go places.

Thus, a whole new plan was born.

Destiny isn't stopping me from going to school. I was only being postponed so Andrea could join me. And, that's exactly what she's going to do. We're going to learn, live, and get degrees together.

Now we just need to put all out little brilliant ducks in a row, and our new lives will unfold before us. We're so excited to go to school and learn about the things we love, while securing our future well being.

It's kind of funny. I was so afraid of going back to school, and taking on the overwhelming project of a successful life. Then, I was even more terrified of it not happening, no matter how hard I fought for it. And, now, I'm back to being excited and hopeful. Not only that, I've got someone who'll have my back (and I hers) when things get rough and frightening. Which, they will. Destiny knew I needed a little extra strength, and apparently, someone else did two. Now, we've got each other and we can take on the world. In fact... We're planning to.

Look out!

Intuition

2011-01-15T21:41:00.003-05:00

It has come to my attention that several people are misusing their intuition. A harsh judgement, but quite possibly true. I include myself in this blatant accusation, mind you. How many times have you scolded yourself saying "I knew I shouldn't have done that..." or "I knew that was going to happen..."? Think about it for a moment.

I present to you my theory of misused intuition. People have the "gut feeling" telling them to do or don't do certain actions, make this decision or the other, even fight or flight. We don't, however, actually heed the advice of our inner selves. We think we use our intuition (hence the "I knew that was going to happen!" thought), but truthfully we're only acknowledging the feeling. After our heart nudges at us we go on and charge full steam ahead in the OPPOSITE direction. Then we curse ourselves and shake our head saying "I should have gone with my gut".

Only the other day, I caught myself doing it. I was faced with a sort of dilemma, and "knew" what I should do, but other reasons told me to take the chance. Consciously, I thought, "I have impeccable intuition telling me not to do this... But how will I know, unless I try?"

Then, it hit me. How was I going to know if my intuition was right, unless I tested it. Bam! THAT'S why we don't "listen" to our gut feelings. We want to prove whether we're "right" or not. So many of us would rather know whether our intuition is correct, than avoid strife by listening to it.

Heed my words, all five of you, forget about the fact that your intuition may be spot on; listen to it. Choose to think "my heart tells me to do this" instead of "my heart told me to do that".

All this seems a little confusing now that it's in print. *shrug* Just thoughts.

Any who, enough of that. On to other things...

I've accomplished 14 of my "25 Things to do before I turn 26" list. Pretty proud of myself, actually. I've done more than I figured I would. It makes me laugh a little, some of the things I haven't done are things I was almost certain I wouldn't have a problem with; others I've done are things I didn't think would be touched. Go figure. I'm still working on it, though. Hoping to get one or two more things crossed off.

I'm collecting vintage teacups now. Good ones. None of them matching. I've dubbed it "The Teacup Project". It includes an entire plan of constructing a display for them and throwing real live tea parties. I feel good about it.

Oh! I'm thinking of a different major for school. I know, I know, I haven't started classes yet and I'm already thinking of changing it up. *shakes head* Did you actually expect me to commit to something? Silly readers... Art history and/or psycology are the studies up for consideration, in case you were wondering.

I got a new day planner... It's pretty spiffy.

I think that's about it for my boring life. I partially apologize for the rant on intuition. Wait... Strike that. I apologize for nothing. NOTHING.

Alright, alright. I'll let you get back to your lives now. Peace out.

It's the 10th...

2011-01-10T13:41:00.002-05:00

... and I'm supposed to be starting classes today.

I'm not, however.

Thank you University of Utah and/or United States Postal Service for dragging your feet. It must feel nice to have so much power over one tiny person's future.

2010

2010-12-31T13:33:00.003-05:00

Events that occured during 2010:

Dressed up like a Sith Lord
Joined a support group
Finished a writing piece
My golden birthday
Received my first set of tools and tool belt
Fell in love with a new Doctor
Got a frog
Landed a job in retail
Left my job in retail
Had my cards read and learned a lot
Vacationed at a condo on the beach
Chopped my hair off
Met people from Denmark
Regained an uncle
Hiked to a waterfall
Kicked ass at laser-tag
Went to the fair
I voted
Got bangs
Read 14 books
Saw 2 good movies
Carved a pirate into a punkin
Survived a "blizzard"
Fought the Matrix
Made a new friend
Decorated 4 Christmas trees
Experienced* a lunar eclipse on the Winter Solstice
Gave a dog a shot
Was accepted into college
Hugged more than one tree

*Meaning I waited outside until 2:00 a.m. for the snow to stop and the clouds to break. I never actually "saw" the eclipse.

Crazy Kim

2010-12-15T21:19:00.002-05:00

So!

With all of the hullabaloo surrounding this Yule season, I am in the process of going back to school. This you already know. I just wanted to "say it out loud".

My Christmas gifts are done, wrapped, under the tree and/or mailed. Bim bam boom! I can rest easy and bake cookies. Not! What I'm going to do is bite my nails and pull out my hair whilst trying to gather funding for school. Joy to the world, indeed.

I really am in a rather merry mood, considering. I have a roof over my head, cookies in my belly, and four (that's right FOUR) Christmas trees. And, while school is already stressing me out, I take comfort in the fact that I'm going to be stressed until it's finished. Therefore, "can't change it, so go with it". Ride the wave, so to speak. It's fine.

I do feel the need to add, however, that I really am quite insane for taking on the challenge of starting school during the holiday season. I know you are all giving me that eye roll/head shake thing, and I don't blame you. In fact... Now that I reflect, I welcome it. Proving to people that I'm crazy and it works is delightfully amusing. You know... "Being Impossible"? It's right there in the title.

Yes, we are in the height of Christmas/Yule madness; and yes, I am starting the seemingly never ending process of my education simultaneously. Yes, I'm probably biting off more than I can chew.

But, I have a big mouth and the patience to chew for a long time. So, I got this.

That... was a weird metaphor. *shrug*

Um, I'm Going to College

2010-11-20T00:57:00.002-05:00

I think.

Well, I'm pretty sure I am. I mean, I applied and am probably paying the application fee tomorrow. So... I guess I am.

For the last little while (or my whole life) I've felt this nagging pull to be more. Do more. To choose a career, and a lifestyle, that gives back. Not really a "I want to help people" kind of song, but more of a "I can do better and fight for good things" roar.

Which is exactly what I'm going to do. I'm going to major in international studies, and go on to be awesome. It's literally going to be "look out world, here I come!" I'm tired of sitting at home, watching TV, wishing I was a great success. Therefore, I'm going to make my own success. I'm not too old. I'm only a little bit old.

I'm going to march right through a degree. I'll have a bachelor's degree before I'm 30. That's right, you heard me. 30. I got this. I'm not at all worried. It may suck some days, but I'll be alright. My focus is there and it's good.

Another reason I've chosen this incredibly grueling education path, is my non existent love life. I'm going to marry my career. I could get a regular job, continue to develop my social circle, find "Mr. Right" (gag me) and live in West Jordan with our SUV. Or! I can say "suck it" and decide on a noble career, that will make me happy. Then, I can spend my time, at a job I love, making myself feel important. If I happen to meet someone along the way, that'll be fine. If not, I'll be happy and significant on my own, and all will be well.

I want to be successful, I want to love what I do, and I want to do something incredible.

Balls to the walls, I'm going for it.

Instead of Going to Bed...

2010-11-06T00:28:00.003-04:00

... I'm going to tell you about my life.

For the past four days I've been actively writing. Yesterday I felt like I lost the ability to blink. Doing a little better today. I only wrote for half the day, and cut down to three cups of coffee (instead of four and two cans of Diet Pepsi). I may, repeat may, post a bit of what I'm working on at a later date. I'm also "officially" looking for a job. Part-time. I'm 100% sure full-time work will be a bad idea at this time. However! I should be able to handle part-time successfully. I don't want retail. If any of you were about to suggest that, just let the idea float on by. I'll even allow you to wave at it. I hate working on holidays. I like to spend those occasions with my loving (albeit LOUD) family. Retail sees that as some sort of taboo behavior. You know what job I want? Pam's. She works as a receptionist for Dunder Mifflin. I want her job.

... I'm going to yammer on and on about Doctor Who.

It's just the best freaking show to ever be thought of. Ever. I would give my life to have the Doctor grab me by the hand and say "run!" Although all that running would probably kill me. Therefore, flitting away with a mysterious time travelling, know it all, alien actually would cost me my life. Hmm... Nope, still don't care. It'd be worth it.

... I'm going to complain.

I feel I have a little bit of a right to rant about my social life. Only because I really have been trying to gain a better one; or one AT ALL rather. Any who, I'm going to my weekly group, I went to a real live party for Halloween, and if I'm invited to some sort of event or social activity I say "yes" without even thinking about it. And what have I achieved with all of this mediocre work? Zip and zilch. Lame. I'm bumming myself out. You've heard enough of this, anyway.

... I'm going to review some books!

I've finished the Vampire Lestat awhile ago. Did I tell you how gorgeous that novel was?! If so, you're going to hear it again. My fellow readers, the story is not only beautiful in itself, but beautifully told. I can't put it away on the bookshelf because I just want to look at it, and remember the good times. I'm also in the middle of Alexandre Dumas' The Three Musketeers. I am so pleasantly surprised by the personality within the writing. It's actually pretty funny. I catch myself chuckling with D'Artagnan on his gentlemanly adventures. It's glorious!

I... guess that's it. Peace out bloggers!

Punkins!

2010-10-25T02:22:00.005-04:00

We carved 'em!

I decided it's time for a happy post. This blog has been a bit dismal lately. So, we're going to talk about Halloween and stuff!

The above photo is after we'd all finished carving our masterpieces. Aren't they beautiful?! Yes. Yes they are.

Aly is making a pig face in honor of her "horned hog" punkin. Uncle Scotty is saying something to me, so neither he nor I were ready for the photo. Needless to day, this picture cracks me up.

Here are our punkins, in all their glory, on the front porch. Being all happy. Trick or treat!

I was so excited to carve a pirate punkin. He's perfect!

I'm a proud punkin mamma.

See! We go together! I make an excellent pirate. It's a match made in Halloween heaven!

We had tons of fun carving our punkins. There were punkin innards EVERYWHERE. It was perfectly disgusting. So much freaking fun.

This year I'll be dressing up as Trinity (from The Matrix). I'm pretty excited. I'm predicting I'll look quite bad ass. There will be trick or treating. Oh... There WILL be trick or treating. People are obligated to give me free candy. I will be collecting.

Happy Halloweeeeeeeeeeen!

Brooding in the Basement

2010-10-18T22:58:00.004-04:00

I feel like that's all I do. Brood.

Brood: to dwell on a subject or to meditate with morbid persistence

I sit downstairs in my dungeon and get all moody about events, or something someone says, or where my life is. It's disgusting. Here's an example of what I'm currently brooding over:

8:53 PM

"Kim has to take me to the store later, I'm out of cigarettes"

No. No, she doesn't HAVE to take you. You could ask her if she will take you. You could mention it to her earlier in the day, so she can doesn't get comfy and cozy and settled in for the night. You could walk the entire block and a half to fetch your flaming cancer sticks, yourself. Piss off.

Here is where the "embrace the crazy" comes to play. I plan things. The first thing I do when I wake up, before I even get out of bed, is open my eyes and think "Today I have planned A, B, and C". It really throws me off to have some sort of event tossed at me. I'm not saying this causes a freak out. I'm only illustrating that I don't like it. I need time to process things. I need to determine how I feel about what will be happening (I like this, I don't like this, I'm scared of this, I'm excited for this, you get the idea). I hate when things are just sprung on me. Ask anyone, I don't like surprises. Not one tiny little bit. Maybe, surprises in the mail are alright, but even that's pushing it. Surprises, whether intense or trivial, throw me into an internal temper tantrum. It's a fear/anger response. As if all of a sudden, I'm 100% unprepared and in the dark.

"Kim has to take me to the store later, I'm out of cigarettes" leads me to feelings of:

Fear- I don't like driving at night. Um, I really don't like driving AT ALL, but it's a "part of life" I have accepted. I try very hard to do it well, so to avoid the terrifying circumstance of a car accident. I've been in two serious ones, it's a valid fear.
Disorder- I feel almost completely out of control. All of a sudden my night of blogging on Tumblr, television watching, and reading has turned into chaos. It, indeed, isn't chaos, but it feels like it. I no longer have control of my environment.
Fear again- disorder leads to chaos, chaos leads to getting overwhelmed, being overwhelmed leads to panic. Panic = fear. Panic is bad. Panic is, quite often, the cause of many of my "harmful behaviors", which is another topic for another day.
Anger- I feel like I'm being taken advantage of. What gives you the right to demand I take you places? I owe you NOTHING. I am under no obligation to you whatsoever. You will NOT find yourself taking advantage of me. I don't let anyone do that to me. Think you're different? Try me.

It's a matter of principal. But... I also feel like I can't say anything about it. Most of the family doesn't understand the inter workings of my fortress of a mind. Therefore, I look like the bitch of the century who thinks herself too good to help out someone who needs our unconditional support, no questions asked. Gah!

Remind me to add frustrated to the list up there.

On an unrelated topic: I would like to say hello to all of the random, delightful, people from around the globe who stop by this little bitty blog. Hello! You can't see me waving, but I am. Promise. I hope you all enjoy my rantings of me being a crazy person. A single, kind of lonely sometimes, adorable crazy girl. With no boyfriend. I'm talking to the few of you from Europe and other places. Who wants an American wife?! Just kidding...

Sort of.

Lemons, Losing, Love and Halloween (Which Doesn't Begin with the Letter L, Sorry)

2010-10-12T02:03:00.005-04:00

Just a few things to report...

A. Today I cleaned. And cleaned, and cleaned, and cleaned. My lair is so freaking lemon-y fresh, it's like that part in Soarin' Over California when you fly into the orange grove. But... with lemons.

Deux. My football team gained a new player (whom I'm not so sure I like) then lost tonight. Unless my cousin Andrea is asking you, then you tell her they won. Got that? Won.

3. I have fallen in love with a few new things. Them being:

The Vampire Lestat by Anne Rice
The television program Torchwood
Showering at night instead of in the morning
Cinnamon raisin bagels
My new* cedar chest
Driving to the musical number Ride of the Valkyries
The sweater Chewey wears when he's cold

IV. My blog has been Halloween-ified! It makes me really happy. Halloween is one of my favorite things, not to mention it's my "religious" holiday. I'm definitely looking forward to some Samhain festivities.

fin

*not so much new, and more like have had it for a really long time and have only now had the means, and space, to put it together and enjoy it

I'd Like to Think I'm Memorable.

2010-10-06T01:08:00.002-04:00

I'm not hoping to turn this blog into the chronicles of my finding "love". However, I would just like to take a small moment and express my frustrations with said subject matter.

These are the following reasons I'm unforgettable:

I make all kinds of sound effects as I move about
I try my damnedest to avoid sidewalk lines
I strive to improve my everyday vocabulary
My facial expressions are not only animated, but unstoppable
It's disgusting how I can find the silver lining in EVERYTHING
I don't have the ability to resist a good (or completely terrible) pun

I could go on. The point I'm trying to make is I'm not boring nor ordinary. Why do I feel the need to state the obvious? Because, on more than one occasion, I've been "forgotten" about. A couple months ago a certain dude, answered the door saying "Oh, I forgot you were coming over". I had called him an hour and a half earlier. AN HOUR AND A HALF. What?!

This last weekend I was to meet a chap for some football watching. "I'll let you know what time" he told me. So, what did I do? I waited. And waited. And... waited. The next day (after I asked him about it) he tells me he decided not to go; clearly forgetting to inform me. Now, I'm not going to say I sat at home most of the day, all done up and cute looking in my perfectly selected football outfit. Well, I'm not going to say that out loud.

Any who, I just want to say: I'm annoyed. This is ridiculous. Completely absurd.

That is all.

Embrace the Crazy

2010-10-03T18:48:00.002-04:00

That's what I've decided to do. Embrace it. Love it. Be it. I feel like my life and future will be a whole lot less complicated. Not necessarily easier, just a little more "figured out".

What does this mean, you ask? Let me explain.

I'm crazy. Full blown, defined and diagnosed, crazy. Some people don't know that. Many people don't know that. Some don't know that I've been seeing a counselor since I was 19. Others don't know I've been hospitalized on more than one occasion. It's not a big deal. And, it's not that I don't like to talk about it. I just tend to not bring it up. I'm not ashamed, nor sad about it. At this point in my life, I'm rather indifferent about it. It's a part of me, and it's shaped me into the person I am today. Now, that being said, I would like to clarify that I am not sociopathic, homicidal, nor has it made me any sort of genius or female Rain Man. I have gained a little (or a crap load) of wisdom, though. I see life differently than most. My priorities can seem a little "off". The speed at which my brain thinks can be breathtaking, literally. Every once in a while it goes into overdrive and problems result; for the most part, though, I can blend in with others and have a semi "normal" existence.

Which brings me to my new philosophy. No longer do I wish to "blend in" as previously stated. Please don't confuse me with saying I want to stand out for attention, or become some sort of anti-social creature. I'm only stating that I'm very tired of thinking about everything twice, or filtering. It's as if I have a thought, then I have to re-think it to determine how to act "out loud". Oh dear, that makes no sense. Let me think... (do you see part of my problem?!) Alright, someone says something, or something happens, (the cause) and I react (the effect). Pretty normal, yes? Only, it doesn't stop there. There's more than one reaction. It's like cause, react, react, react. First I have my initial, instinctive reaction. It's internal, and the most natural thing for me to think or feel. Then, I have a more conscious, "what should I think" reaction to the cause. What's a normal thought to have in this situation? How am I supposed to feel in an event like this? Lastly, I have an actual "out loud" reaction. Not always verbal; sometimes it's a facial expression, or a random grunt or giggle. It's the effect that other people see or hear. The... social reaction, if you will.

Can you understand how one can get very weary doing all this reacting? It's exhausting to be doing all this thinking. Why can't I just think what I think? I don't feel like my original thoughts are "wrong", I just feel they'd be "unaccepted". As if people will judge me, or no longer "like me".

This is why my social life has taken such a dive. It's too much. I care too much what all of these people are thinking of me. It's gotten so bad, that I've developed an extremely heightened sense of self awareness. When I walk into a room of people, I rapidly plan where and how to sit down. What to do with my hands. How to adjust my clothes. How I'm going to laugh when there's a joke. Where my vocal inflection is going to be when I ask about other's lives. All of it. Can you see why my brain is worn out? I have little ability to be my natural self.

Any who, I've had enough of it. I'm going to re-train my mind to have only one effect per cause. If this is how I feel about something, this is how I feel. The end. I need to quit with the second guessing, and re-thinking. Don't plan out what I want others to see me as. Just be. If other's are confused by my behavior or reasoning, so be it. I'll be more than happy to explain why I think what I think, or why I see what I see. Because that's me... and I'm not ashamed. I am who I am.

The Girl with Writer's Block

2010-09-15T14:15:00.003-04:00

A short story written by yours truly. This little ditty placed at the Brigham City Peach Days literary contest. Woot woot.

Once there was a girl. She liked to write things. Stories, poems, and thoughts, among other things. She had medium, dark brown hair, and eyes to match. She was neither tall, nor short, and wore jeans, with tee shirts, and converse tennis shoes. So, in other words, generic.

The day this generic girl found herself staring blankly at her computer screen, was a special day. She was unaware, but it was, indeed, special. She was suffering through a nasty bought of writer's block. Not having suffered from it often, the girl stood up, and started pacing the room. Back and forth she went, but to no avail. She sighed, and started making her bed. Then, she picked things up off the floor. Clearly procrastinating, the girl went on with other meaningless chores. After walking the dog, feeding the cats, vacuuming, and organizing her fashion magazines, the girl realized she had yet to find inspiration. She took a deep breath, and decided on a nap. Laying on her freshly made bed, she stared at her boring, colorless ceiling. Drop... Drop... Went the few raindrops outside her window. Drop... Drop... They grew quieter. Drop..... Drop...... Drop....... THUNK.

"Thunk?" she thought to herself. Sitting up she gazed over to her window. Something was slowly, sliding down the screen. She jumped off the bed and ran to the window. It was a tiny person. A tiny person, about half the height of a Barbie doll, was definitely sliding down her window screen. What did she do...? Run outside to catch it? No. That's quite a fall for such a small thing. And, what if she missed? Open the window? Yes. Open the window, and pop out the screen.

"Hold on... I'm going to open the window" she told the creature, hoping it could understand her. Then, she carefully slid the window up. The little person watched, warily, as the girl ran for her car keys. With the keys, punctured the screen and proceeded to make a hole. Once it was big enough, the girl reached her hand through the opening, and stretched it out flat, near her tiny guest. "Come on, now. I've got you" she told it.

Inspecting her hand for only a moment, the person, cautiously, stepped one foot, then the other, onto the girl's outstretched palm. Then, letting go of the window screen, it curled itself into a ball and the girl pulled it to safety.

The girl walked over to her night stand, opened the drawer, and pulled out a white hankie. She placed it over the shivering body of her new "friend", and, for the first time, noticed it had wings. Sitting back on the bed she asked "Who are you...?" still hoping it understood her language.

"I..." he started, standing up on her hand "am Dandelion Peachmeade" he finished, brushing off his green breeches and orange vest. Then, wrapping himself up in the hankie, added "you may call me Dandy, although I'm not one." And, with a nod of his head he sat down cross legged on her palm.

"Alright. Why... Are you here?" the girl questioned, slowly.

"Why not?" Dandy answered, not taking his eyes away from hers.

"It's just not common... Faeries out in the open like this" she told him.

"So?" he said, flatly.

Remembering faeries are not the easiest to deal with, the girl tried again. "What, exactly, are you doing here?"

"The storm soaked my wings. Lost a bit of control. The wind blew me onto your window."

"Oh-"

"Yep. Then I saw you had cats. AND, your shoes were facing the bed. So I decided this was a good a place as any to try for shelter" he cut in.

"I see... Well, is there anything I can get you? Food, or something?" she offered. She figured this was a prime opportunity for writing inspiration.

"Got any honey?" Dandy asked.

"Oh, I'm sorry, I don't. I used to leave it out, in case a faery wanted or needed it. But, I haven't done that in quite sometime... Would you like some tea, maybe...?"

"Hmm... Shouldn't have stopped that. Nobody leaves honey for us anymore" then, he stood up flapped his wings, and started wondering around the girl's room. While flying from shelf to shelf, smelling candles, inspecting sea shells, and poking stuffed animals he added "close your window, hm?"

"Right, sorry" she trotted across the room, and slid the window shut.

"Silly book. Silly book. This one's closer, but still ridiculous. Oh! That guy hasn't a clue!" Dandy said as he rifled through her collection of books.

The girl smiled. She found having a faery as a guest most delightful.

"Yes" Dandy said to her.

"Yes? Yes what?" she asked

"Tea, girl! You asked if I wanted tea!"

"Oh! I'm so sorry! I'll go make some..." and she turned to leave the room.

"Nope! Never mind. Don't want to wait" his voice echoed from her jar of loose change.

"I'm sorry..." she said.

"Stop saying that. That's all you say. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry" Dandy chastised her from atop her bookshelf.

The girl opened her mouth to apologize, again, but closed it quickly. Realizing that she was about to say "sorry" once again. She turned around and sat back down on her bed. Looking over to Dandy she asked "Where do you come from?"

"Not a place you know of" he answered, still sitting at the top of her bookshelf. His small eyes burrowing into hers.

"I see..." she replied, keeping his gaze.

He lingered for a moment, then flitted off to the picture frames on her wall. "Who's that?" he asked of the lowest picture.

"My mom" she answered.

Flying up to the next photo he said "and that?"

"That's my sister and I"

"What about that one?" he asked when he reached the top frame.

"That's my grandma"

"Lot's of family. Who's picture is that on the shelf?" he continued, flying over to it.

"Well, the one on the bookshelf is my best friend. And the one on that higher self" she said pointing across the room "is my Godson... What about your family...?" she asked.

"What about them?"

"Where are they?" she wondered.

"Home" he said.

"Is that far?"

"Far from where?" he asked as he played with his reflection in her mirror.

"Far from here" she giggled.

"For you" Dandy answered. Then, he flew over to the bed, and sat down next to her.

The girl smiled at him.

"I like you" he told her.

"You do...?" she asked, confused.

"Yes... I do."

"May I ask why?" she inquired.

"You just did" he replied blankly, staring at her once again.

"Why do you like me, Dandy?" she asked again.

"Because you read faery books, and you have cats who watch us. And your shoes face your bed, so I'm not unwelcome. And..." he looked away "you used to leave honey out for me..."

"For you...?

"You didn't live here then, though. You lived in a different place. It took me a long time to find you. And, now I have, but there's no honey. Did you not want me to find you?" he asked, sadly.

"Of coarse not! I did not know you liked the honey. I didn't think anyone even knew I left it out. I'm so sorry!" she told him. Then she scooped him up and drew him close to her face, and added "I'm so glad you found me."

"Me too" Dandy said. "Will you put the honey back out?"

"I'll go and get some first thing tomorrow" she replied.

"And, will you keep writing stories?" he asked.

She paused. "Of coarse. and you know what, Dandy? I've got an excellent idea for a new story."

"Not yet. I like the nap idea better" he stated. Flying over to one of the pillows on the bed he said "Where's that hankie?"

The girl picked up the white hankie, covered her friend with it, then snuggled down next to him. She watched Dandy fall asleep. He was so little, breathing so steadily. Then, within a few moments, she herself, had dozed off.

Opening her eyes, the girl smiled. It took her a moment to realize the white hankie was gone. And... So was Dandy. She looked around the bed, and his hankie was no where to be found. She turned to her night stand, opened the drawer, and there it was. Neatly folded just as it always was, with the other hankies. She got up, and walked to the window. There was no hole in the screen. In fact, there was no sign of Dandelion Peachmeade anywhere.

Very disheartened, the girl walked across the room. On her way out the door, she passed her blank screened computer. She stopped. Turning back, she looked again, at the screen:

“don't forget the honey

love dandy”

August 25th 2010

2010-08-25T22:30:00.002-04:00

*Disclaimer: This blog entry's purpose is to encourage me to write. That's all. I'm just writing about my (incredibly lame and boring) day. Any conclusions drawn other than "well, alright" are purely coincidental.*

I woke up this morning FREEZING. I swear I could see my breath. (I really couldn't, but I almost felt like it) After shivering for a few moments, I checked my phone, both to note the time and make sure I had no messages. Why I would have a message is beyond me, it was 8:43. The only person to think of messaging me that early would be Jessie, because she's two hours ahead of me. But, she knows better than to communicate before 10:00 my time, anyway. Smart kid.

As I was saying, it was 8:43 and I was cold. "Freezing" is the word I think I used. Yes, freezing was the word. That's what I was. After dropping the phone back on my "nightstand" (I use the term loosely, for it really isn't a nightstand at all; more of a tower of plastic drawers I got at Wal-mart, but it's the surface closet to the bed and therefore used as if it were, indeed, a nightstand) I tried to go back to sleep. Those efforts were fruitless, though. What's the first thing you have to do when you wake up...? That's right. I had to pee.

But, it was so cold! To go to the loo would mean getting out from under the snugly blankets, and away from the two warm cat bodies keeping me alive. With a little (or loud and pathetic) whimper, I crawled out of the bed and dashed to the little girl's room; which, I feel the need to add, is clear down the hall and entirely too far away from my bedroom.

After that business was taken care of I went back to my room and stared at my pile of dirty laundry. It took me quite some time to find what I was looking for. Mind you, I did not have my glasses on, nor had I any coffee, so this could have gone on for several hours. Any who, I finally found my fleece pants, and plucked a pair of socks out of the drawer. The pants went on over my Star Wars (that's right, STAR WARS) shorts, and the socks were pulled onto my little feeties. And, what do you know? My purple hooded jacket is right there next to my laundry pile (Alright, it was IN the laundry pile) Think I'm going to resist that on this frigid morning? On goes the jacket. Zip goes the zipper. The hood is flung over my head, and I crawl back under the blankets. I go back to sleep for another hour.

Ah, the life of the unemployed.

After waking up (again) I go on with my day. Two cups of coffee, check the Facebook, the Tumblr, the e-mail, and watch my programs. In case you're curious those would be: Young and the Restless, and Passport to Europe with Samantha Brown. Today's featured destination was Salzburg, Austria. Dudes! That place looks extraordinary. A four hour tour of the Sound of Music filming locations?! Sign me the up! Not to mention many historical Mozart attractions to be seen. Seriously, so cool.

Now that my morning "routine" was completed I decided to get done what needed to be done. Just before I make my way to the bathroom to wash my face, however, I smell it. That specific smell I smelled the day before, but ignored. Today, it was stronger. *sniff sniff* Yep. That's something dead. Where is it...? I check under the couch, in case the cat did something gross with a mouse. Nothing. But... this is where it smells the most. What's behind the couch? The window. What's in the window well? A nice dead duck. Lovely.

Can I just say how sad I am for this duck? Not only are they one of the only birds I'm not afraid of, but they're just cute and have some cool characteristics. Also, the way my window well sits under the upstairs windows, the duck had to have gotten stuck down there, and then died. So sad. I could have saved her had I known she was in trouble. I'm sorry little girl duck. I'm really sad that that happened to you.

So, my uncle takes care of the duck, and (after lighting a scented candle for awhile) my basement smells much better. I now proceed with my day's events.

I clean myself up, put on the makeups, and style the hair. After selecting an outfit of a black skirt, blue polo, and flip flops I head out the door. Where do I go? Only to the amazing Walgreen's! One prescription refill for Kim please. Fifteen minutes later, drugs in hand, I decide: "I'm this close to the coffee house, I may as well pop over there for a tea and a quiet read". So, that's exactly what I do. My white orchid tea was delectable, and my current read is particularly enchanting, so it was nice. A nice looking guy came in, about half an hour after I got there. I made eye contact, then went back to reading; thinking he'll think I'm cute and come over to flirt.

He didn't.

After a little while I pack it up and go home. My tea was about gone, and I wanted to tidy up my living room now that the unpleasant odor had left (aw, I'm still sad about it). That ended up only taking a few moments, I'm a rather clean person, I guess. So what do I do? Throw my bed comforter in the washer and play chess.

After the computer kicked my ass a couple hundred times, I elect to call it quits and help out with dinner. Uncle Scotty showed me his way of making biscuits and gravy, which I found fascinating. It was damn good, too. I'm glad my appetite is returning. I missed it, wholeheartedly.

And that brings me to where I decide to blog whilst I digest. Here I am. Blogging. Digesting. What an eventful life I lead.

Out the Window

2010-08-24T23:26:00.003-04:00

Yeah... That 30 day letter writing challenge will not be continued. Some of the "people" I was to write letters to, I either don't want to think about or don't know. So, I quit. That's right. I QUIT.

Suck it.

In other news: I've decided to pick up chess as a hobby. Not only will it teach me patience, but I may also learn some important warfare tactics. Just in case I become a world leader. You never know. I like to keep my options open.

That is all.

Farewell... I Guess

2010-08-20T20:10:00.002-04:00

I'm pretty sure the young man I spoke of before is gone. Buh-bye, have a nice life, go to hell, peace out, gone. While I'm not entirely sure what happened, I'm assuming it has something to do with the wedding I invited him too and/or something that may or may not have been said by a mutual acquaintance.

I've got to be honest, I'm a little sad about it. It's been so very, very, long since I've been smitten with a boy. For me to "like a guy" who "likes me back" is... rare. There have only been a few of these isolated events. I can count them on one hand. And, I don't even need the whole hand!

Through my entire, solitary, existence I've told myself to recognize certain behaviors and get out if said behaviors show themselves. Therefore, I have decided to cut him loose. Even though he is the one who, quite suddenly, refused all "hang outs" and then stopped responding at all, I'm going to let him. With a heavy heart, I'm not going to cause a struggle. He wins.

And now, this weekend, I'm going to attend my cousin's wedding. Surrounded by family (who harbor feelings that I'm a homo because I never seem to have a date) and couples both young and old. Not to mention I've never been camping without Grandpa. I'm not looking forward to hanging out where I spent many a summer with my grandpa, and him not being there.

I'm finding there are many elements of this weekend weighing my down:

No Grandpa where he should be
Happy pairs of people scattered about
Family members who are "concerned" about me
Booze everywhere

The above issues are the reasons I invited my gentleman friend to accompany me. For once, it would be nice to enjoy myself at one of these events. To not feel awkward, or to have someone to snicker with. Maybe, dare I say, take a walk with or hold my hand if I'm feeling overwhelmed. I guess it's just not meant to be.

And you know what? I really and truly don't think he even cares. He's just fine in watching me walk away. Shit, he probably won't even watch. In fact, if he reads this (he won't) he'll be relieved. "Ha ha, dodged that bullet."

I'm sad about it, though. Don't know why and I hate myself, but I'm sad.

ADHD

2010-08-11T13:09:00.002-04:00

I've recently (as in moments ago) had some enlightening thoughts about ADHD. While I have been diagnosed with it, I don't suffer too badly. Other people suffer the effects of me more than I do. But, that is not the the purpose of this random post.

I was thinking about what my ADHD actually does to me. Specifically, it's more of a communication problem. My brain doesn't stay on track. It goes too fast, leading me to tangents and seemingly off topic streams of conversation. While, for me, it's all connected to what I or we were previously talking about, to others it appears as if I can't have a real discussion. Some days, it's worse than other days. It just depends on my current mental cycle, and how in control I feel.

Now, that being said, not everyone has this same type of problem. Some people find it's more of a physical, outward issue. Can't sit still, short attention span, bored easily, yada yada yada.

This, my friends, is what leads me to my recent thoughts. I don't really know the "medical" or "technical" specifics of adult ADHD. After that disclaimer, I am wondering if there are at least two different versions of symptoms in existence. Internal or external.

Most people I've come across with adult ADHD are external. They project their "all over the place" sort of demeanor. You see them gaining boredom. You see their attention snap to something (that appears to you) completely new.

I, on the other hand, turn it inward. I harbor it in my mind. When something causes me to lose attention, my brain follows it. All the while, my outward attention seems to remain on the subject at hand. It's not. That's just an illusion. I look like I'm paying attention, but my thoughts are on why that ladybug has chosen that leaf as opposed to the one closer to the stem that seems thicker and more likely to support his or her weight. Why do we have to call boy ladybugs "ladybugs"? Why can't we call the "gentlemen bugs"? You know they're going to have all kinds of insecurities about that. Every single one of them may have developed homophobia. I hate that. How can you be afraid of gay people. They're cool. Is it only the really feminine ones some people are afraid of? I'm not afraid of straight boys, and they can hit on me at any moment. They don't. Only the really drunk ones do, and then they usually only talk to me after they've been shot down by all my other friends. That's not really fair. Not that I want drunken men slobbering over me. It's the principal of the situation. Maybe it's cause I'm not a size two anymore. Damn, I looked good when I was that small. I felt like shit, but it was totally worth it. I really like food, though. Ah, the eternal struggle of woman vs. food. Will it ever end? Oh, shit... I'm supposed to be listening. What just happened?

You see?! That's what I do.

Lately, it's been worse. It happens when I'm speaking. My mind drifts away, until I'm all caught up in my own head. I'm usually not that bad. If I'm having a particularly ADHD day I can usually fake my way through conversations. Then, I can avoid people for awhile, until I'm more focused.

It's exhausting, I tell you!

Oh, look. We've gone off topic again. Many apologies. Where was I? Oh, yes.

I simply wanted to state that, while some or most ADHD people are visually, or physically ADHD; some are silently, internally ADHD.

As I said before, I really don't know that much about it. I'm ashamed to admit that my knowledge on the subject is minimal. I should do more reading on it, however I just wanted to jot down some thoughts I was having. Lately, I've noticed my communication skills (skills I once bragged about) losing their edge. I let my mind wander on the subject, and this is what I came up with.

Do with it what you will.

Oh, How the Mighty Have Fallen

2010-08-06T13:43:00.003-04:00

I know, I know... I'm terribly unsuccessful with the latest 30 day challenge I foolishly accepted. There are legitimate reasons, however. Some people and things I just don't currently feel like giving thought to. Like the last letter; hence the minimal length of said letter. Any who, that being said, I'm feeling the need to just write about my life.

Things have been so out of control, up in the air, semi-overwhelming for me as of late. While I am keeping my emotions and actions under complete control, it still seems as though the world may very well be crashing down on me. Why, you ask? Excellent question. I have determined these are possible factors of my inevitable downfall:

I had to quit my job.

It had to happen. I'm just not healthy enough to continue. I still can't stomach enough food to keep me from feeling faint when standing for long periods of time, and I'm so over that lovely nauseated feeling that washes over me. Now, I can (hopefully) regroup and regain the health status I was once so proud of.

My medication has been "adjusted".

This throws me for a loop every time. Regardless of what it is, or how much, it takes me weeks to months for me to get back to "normal". It's as if I can't trust anything. Nothing is real. Everything is a direct effect of the new reality and therefore has to be evaluated and analyzed until it fits the mold of my life. Which, is also new. I'm still not sure where every nook and cranny is; therefore, not only is everything new and foreign, but I'm not sure if it's going to fit or not. It's like I've got some cherry jello, sitting in a jello mold of a cute,little dome. I take it out of the mold, and put it into the mold of a star. Well, shit... it doesn't fit. Now I either make all new jello, in a different flavor of lime, being as I'm out of cherry, or I scramble it all up so it will fit the new mold. Which means it won't have any shape or structure and everything is loose and insecure. What is one's best option? Whole new flavor and shape you know absolutely nothing about, or same flavor you know but can't trust because it's unstable? Lime star, or cherry pile of crap?

That was weird.

So... There's this boy.

The likelihood of him reading this blog is so small, I can't even see it. Therefore he is now, officially, going to be mentioned. Gasp! Boy is... interesting. I like him. Duh. That's not so much the problem. The real problem is more of a "I always fall for the guy who isn't available" kind of thing. Surprise surprise. Alright, let's back it up a bit, shall we? Boy is smart, funny and um... very nice looking. I find his level of intelligence both intimidating and refreshing. His voice is inspiring and entertaining at the same time. I'm so intrigued by him and his opinions from world views to film that I can't seem to stop thinking about him. AND, I HATE THAT. There are a number of rules I've set for myself to keep things like this from happening. I've broken a few of them for him, and I hate myself for that. Not to mention he insists on being this "cool guy" who is a complete bastard. Why I even give him the time of day is beyond me. Why he even gave me a second look is more of a wonder. I am so angry. I'm angry at him for choosing to be aloof and an asshole, and I'm angry at myself even more for liking the asshole.

By no means have I been hurt by this boy and his actions. Granted, said "actions" (or lack thereof) are potentially hurtful. *Disclaimer* No, a girl doesn't get angry when you make no effort whatsoever to speak to her. That only makes her feel unwanted, rejected and hurt. It, in no way, makes you look bad ass or cool. Just unintelligent. Sometimes you have a good thing standing right in front of you, and you're either too afraid or too dense to see it. Pull your head out of your ass fast, dude. She won't be there forever.

Through all of these ordeals flying at me, I've come to the conclusion that I am either incredibly, so far above, genius... or insanely stupid.

The jury's still out.

Day 07- Your ex-boyfriend/love/crush

2010-07-31T00:53:00.002-04:00

My once dearest,

I really have nothing to say to you.

You probably wouldn’t listen if I did have things to say.

Best regards,

Kim

Day 06- A Stranger

2010-07-18T21:36:00.003-04:00

Hello, Stranger:

I’m not really sure what to say to you. Being as I don’t know you, I have no idea as to your interests. I could tell you about myself. Although, I’m not sure what good that’ll do you. I’m not sure what good that will do me either.

What do you believe in? For you, what’s worth fighting for? I’m always intrigued by other’s ideas and notions. What’s most important to a person teaches me far more than “what do you do for a living?” Quite often our occupation is what’s there, not who we are.

I work in retail. It’s not what I “do”. It’s what I tolerate so I can have food and a car. See? You didn’t learn much about me there, did you? Oh well. It’s not as though you’re going to write back.

Do you believe in Destiny, Stranger? I do. I’m not really sure how it’s helping me, but I believe in it. I wish on stars, too. Although, lately, I’ve only stared at them. No wishing. I’m trying to give up wishing. It’s no good. Every dandelion, first star, 11:11, necklace chain and penny in a fountain wish has proved false. I never expected the wish to magically materialize before my eyes. I only thought that maybe putting that hopeful energy into the world would make things a little lighter.

But, alas, it did nothing.

Interesting how one can say things to a stranger and feel alright with it. I don’t know if you’re even listening. Doesn’t really matter, though, does it?

Goodbye, Stranger. Lovely chat.

Always,

Kim

Reasons I Don't Date

2010-07-16T02:20:00.003-04:00

Due to this week's experiences, here is the list of reasons I hate dating:

1. I suck at it.

2 I don't have the patience.

3. I hate games.

4. I don't like people touching me.

5. There's too much pressure.

6. I hate flirting.

7. I suck at flirting.

8. I'm too in control of my "emotions".

9. I don't trust people, especially men.

10. I'm not good with forgiveness.

11. I don't take compliments easily.

12. People aren't as honest as they should be.

13. Boys are too simple.

14. Boys are so simple, they end up confusing me.

15. Actions speak louder than words and people forget that.

16. I don't like to make eye contact.

17. I over-analyze EVERYTHING in EVERY aspect of my life.

18. I'm not sure I even WANT to get married.

19. I hate the "what does this mean?" game.

20. I'm not normal when it comes to anything else, why would I want to "date"? That sounds like something a normal person would do.

21. Meeting other people's families really freaks me out.

22. Apparently, Captain Hook isn't real. Therefore, why bother?

23. My cats will always love me more than any man ever could.

24. I've heard/witnessed too many horror stories.

25. I'm pretty emotionally independant.

26. I'm pretty spiritually independant.

27. I hate that I have to pretend I don't burp.

28. Let's be honest, nobody will ever be rich enough *shrug*

29. Too many people lose themselves within their "significant other". I refuse to lose myself. I'd rather be alone.

30. I have a fear of abandonment.

31. My dog gives me more kisses than I will ever need.

32. Not enough men like ballet.

33. I'm too ticklish.

34. I don't handle anger well, and boys make me angry.

35. I don't like who I am when I'm trying to impress people.

36. You shouldn't have to try to impress people.

37. Men in books are just SO MUCH BETTER.

38. It's too hard to list the foods I do and do not eat.

39. I absolutely DETEST insincerity, and that happens all too often when "dating".

40. PDAs? Not a chance.

41. I'm a black and white sort of person. I hate when anything is in a gray area.

42. I hate waiting for someone other than myself to make a decision.

43. Too many people are cowards.

Shall I go on...?

Day 05- Your Dreams

2010-07-13T22:27:00.001-04:00

To my dreams both big and small:

Please come true.

I know that’s a lot to ask. I try to chase after you as best I can. Sometimes, my circumstances prevent me from a full pursuit. I try, though. And, I’ll never give up on you.

But, you already knew that, didn’t you?

Always,

Kim

Day 04- Your Sibling

2010-07-12T15:40:00.002-04:00

Dear Flow Flem,

I want you to know, first off, that I love you. I love you a lot. I miss hanging with you on a more regular basis. We have good laughs, and probably always will.

I’m really proud of you for how much you’ve grown. It’s really impressive. You need to stick up for yourself and are doing so in incredible ways. Keep going.

I still think we should go on the Amazing Race, if only to prove to Mom that we wouldn’t argue around the entire world. We would effing win the million dollars. Just sayin’.

See you Saturday (hopefully).

Love always,

Flen Flem

Day 03- Your Parents

2010-07-11T13:06:00.001-04:00

To my parents,

I have three of you. Unconventionel, yes, but it worked out quite well for Aly and I. We love you a lot, and we both turned out pretty alright. I’m glad I had three parents. It made things different, and we all know how I feel about a “normal” life.

Thanks Mom, for teaching me independance, self sufficiency, and humor. From you I learned about hard work, perseverance, and to do act when you get a good idea. You’re also good for talking too.

Grandma, thank you for letting me move home (time and time again). Thank you for believing in me. Thank you for letting me bring cats into your home, when you hated them. And, thank you for having the coffee made in the morning. That helps me more than you’ll ever know.

I don’t know if you’ll be reading this Grandpa, but I just want to tell you I miss you, and anytime something goes wrong with my car, I try to think of what you would do. I miss baseball. We had good times there. I’m sure your having a grander time than we are right now. Love ya, and talk to ya later.

You guys are the best and I am so thankful that you are in my everyday life. Thanks for telling me how proud you are of me. It helps. Love you guys!

Love always,

Kim

Day 02- Your Crush

2010-07-10T02:54:00.001-04:00

To whom it may concern:

I title this letter as such for I am still uncertain of my "crush" status with you. While I am unsatisfied with the word crush itself... Wait. My phone is ringing...

It's you.

Oh.

I guess there's nothing else to say to right now.

Always,

Kim

Day 01- Your Best Friend

2010-07-10T02:52:00.001-04:00

Dear BFF,

I miss you. I hate that I always have to say that. It breaks my heart that I can't just say "Hey!" I have to say "I miss you". We suck at being apart.

I know you've had unhappy times for awhile. I need you to keep your chin up. Things will improve, I promise. New things are coming. I can feel it.

Tell Doug "hello" for me. He wants to take good care of you. I think, sometimes, you should let him. He's a pretty cool dude.

Let me know what you find in the literature world. I'm always interested, as you already know. I really liked the Star Wars book I read. Not what I expected, but it held my attention rather well.

We speak so often I feel as though you know all there is to know about my semi-pathetic life.

I love you. And... I miss you. You're the best.

Love always,

Kimmy

P.S. Fuck Disney

Yet Another Challenge

2010-07-10T02:47:00.003-04:00

I'm participating in another 30 day blog "challenge".

The following letters will be written on my blog and Tumblr at the rate of one a day:

Day 1 — Your Best Friend

Day 2 — Your Crush

Day 3 — Your parents

Day 4 —Your siblings (or closest relative)

Day 5 — Your dreams

Day 6 — A stranger

Day 7 — Your Ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush

Day 8 — Your favorite internet friend

Day 9 — Someone you wish you could meet

Day 10 — Someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like to

Day 11 — A Deceased person you wish you could talk to

Day 12 — The person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain

Day 13 — Someone you wish could forgive you

Day 14 — Someone you’ve drifted away from

Day 15 — The person you miss the most

Day 16 — Someone that’s not in your state/country

Day 17 — Someone from your childhood

Day 18 — The person that you wish you could be

Day 19 — Someone that pesters your mind—good or bad

Day 20 — The one that broke your heart the hardest

Day 21 — Someone you judged by their first impression

Day 22 — Someone you want to give a second chance to

Day 23 — The last person you kissed

Day 24 — The person that gave you your favorite memory

Day 25 — The person you know that is going through the worst of times

Day 26 — The last person you made a pinky promise to

Day 27 — The friendliest person you knew for only one day

Day 28 — Someone that changed your life

Day 29 — The person that you want tell everything to, but too afraid to

Day 30 — Your reflection in the mirror

Why, you ask? Because it's blogging suicide.

Enjoy!

Visiting the Other World.

2010-06-30T16:27:00.016-04:00

I hate that I suck at blogging.

A couple weeks ago I visited Orlando. We ran around like crazy! Between stopping at work a few times and trying to do all that we wanted, I don't think we slept. Here are some of our activities:

Of coarse we went to EPCOT. It's my favorite. (Doug was behind the camera for most of our photos)

We ate in Mexico. I've always wanted to. It's so beautiful in there and the food was delicious. It was definitely one of the highlights of my adventure.

We took a picture wearing and/or holding something awesome in every country of World Showcase. The rest you can find at my Facebook page, being as they were taken with Jessie's camera. If you're really bored you should meander over there and take a look. We found neat/hilarious/fun things.

Um... This happened. *giggles* That's all I'm going to say.

We said hey to our favorite "bad guys" of the galaxy. This year we were Sith Lords instead of Jedi padawans, so we were well received by Darth Vader, Darth Maul and the Fetts, both Jango and Boba (the latter photographed above).

Holy run-on sentence, Batman.

For a few days we hung out at Sand Key beach (right by Clearwater). While we avoided the oil, we didn't avoid sunburns. Hey, look! Doug made it into a picture!

Beach! It was lovely.

Then... I had to leave. This was our "last meal". I really hate goodbyes. Not only do I suck at them, but they make me too sad to even think about them.

I had such a glorious, fun-filled time with Jessie and Doug. They're good people, and I miss them dearly. It's terrible being away from your people. In Florida, I was always away from my family, and here I'm always away from my "family". They can't all just be in one place, can they?! Bah! Hate it.

I had an excellent time, though. I'm grateful I was able to make it out there and spend time with them. As I stated earlier, there are many more photos upon my Facebook page. You should all know where it is. You can also find some on my Tumblr. (I think I have too many blogs). Anywho, awesome/funny things to look at there.

Shout out to Jessie and Doug:

Miss you guys and thanks for the epic adventure!

My Windpipe is Ablaze!!

2010-05-26T19:58:00.004-04:00

Fire!

Fire in my throat!!

It's on fire!

Seriously. My larynx is a flaming pillar of rage. It's angry.

Everything else is in fine condition. No runny nose, no phlegm. Not even a headache. Well, I did have a tiny headache yesterday, but I'm pretty sure that was due to lack of morning coffee. It has since passed.

I have to chuckle to myself, though. If I were still working at Disney, I'd be FREAKING OUT. Now, when my throat hurts, I say "Huh... my throat hurts. That kind of sucks" instead of "Oh my God! My livelihood completely depends on my voice and the ability to be loud and obnoxious with it!!" That's a delightful improvement on my life.

Granted, I work in customer service and do nothing but talk. I feel like I can lower my decibel, though, and cut it down to just the required amount of conversation. "Hi, you owe this much, peace out."

Right... like I could do that.

In other news, I'm going to Florida. Yes! I leave June 9th. Huzzah!! Now I've got to get a hold of a few people and set up a luncheon or two.

The beach!! Two nights at the beach! What a wondrous vacation it will be. Maybe I'll chat with a boy or two... *gasp!*

I'm still on the fence about working. It's probably not going to happen, let's be honest. The thought of the tunnels, and/or cosmo makes my skin crawl. Meh.

*shudder*

Leftover mexican food in the fridge! Gotta go.

I Know, I Know... You're Tired of Hearing About It.

2010-05-15T12:53:00.003-04:00

I'm trying. I'm trying. I'm trying. I'm trying. I'm trying. I'm trying. I'm trying. I'm trying. I'm trying. I'm trying. I'm trying. I'm trying. I'm trying. I'm trying. I'm trying. I'm trying. I'm trying. I'm trying. I'm trying. I'm trying. I'm trying. I'm trying. I'm trying. I'm trying. I'm trying. I'm trying. I'm trying.

I don't know why I'm having such a hard time with this whole work thing. But I REALLY am trying. If I weren't, I would have quit already. (Oh... what an alluring idea)

I'm really, really trying...

I'm Going Out!

2010-05-14T13:08:00.004-04:00

I am very excited about today's events. It's been a loooong time since I've had any legitimate plans. I guess Mother's Day I had plans. So nix that whole "no plans" statement. Oh! It's been an incredibly long time since I've done anything with my friends. That's better.

First of all, it's my day off. Thank the Gods! I'm thankful I have a job (tired of hearing me talk about this yet?) I really am; I'm just mentally exhausted. Employment takes a lot out of me and my psyche. Think think think. It's all I do. Think at work about what I'm doing, think about going to work when I'm at home. Blah!! Anywho, that is not the purpose of this blog entry...

As I was saying, it's my day off (thank the Gods again) and I have a nice little itinerary. I'm taking care of item number one as we speak: drink two cups of coffee. On work days (hiss) I try to only drink one, due to my marble sized bladder. Woah! TMI I know... But, today I'm drinking two full cups of coffee complete with Irish cream. (Relax! Not the fun kind.)

Next, as soon as Grandma gets home from "work" (oh... another story for another time) we're going to our local Nordstrom Rack for some shopping.

A. I know... I know... I'm going to work on my day off. Don't think the irony is lost on me.

B. I've been really good about not shopping there, even though I have a kick ass discount. I am really trying to be better with my moneys. Spending my moneys is my reward *cheesy grin*

So! After our little outing, I'll be returning home to ready myself of a night of culture, and I'm sure, thousands of laughs. Marcia, Lacie and I are going to the ballet! I'm so freaking excited!! I miss my girls so very, very much; and tonight is just what I need. Garrett is performing (as Cinderella's step sister, like I'm going to miss THAT) so there may be after the show festivities as well.

I know it doesn't sound like much. But, I'm pretty excited about my evening. I think I'll wear green eye shadow.

A Title? Um... Work and Bleh.

2010-04-22T15:41:00.004-04:00

Alright. I've been at the new job now for almost two weeks. I still feel like a complete idiot. I hate not knowing how to do everything I need to do. I feel like every five minutes I'm asking someone for help. Bleh.

I must say, though, that our clothes are awesome. I highly recommend Nordstrom Rack for any and all of your apparel needs. Not just because I work there, but because we have great stuff, at unbelievable prices. Heh, maybe they should have hired me for the marketing department, instead of customer service.

Can I also express my extreme delight in "orientation" day? (Why am I asking?? This is MY blog! *shakes head*) I love being paid to sit there and listen. Learning about the company and how you're going "give me opportunities" is a fine way to bring home the bacon. I wish everyday could be like new hire orientation day...

I am having a problem with my clothes, though. The wearing of jeans is not allowed. Being as that's what I wear most, I'm presented with a dilemma. My pants/trousers/slacks are all quite old, and a bit small. Therefore, I've been challenged with looking good, and being comfortable at work. Day before yesterday, however, I got my first paycheck, and was able to pick up a new pair of pants, and some comfortable (yet freaking adorable) shoes. The weather is also warming up, so my skirts will be making they're debut shortly. Let the peasants rejoice!

Huzzah!

That's about all there is to report on the new employment. Although, I will repeat the bleh.

I would also like to add that tonight is the Project Runway season finale. I love that show with all my heart and will miss it dearly while it's away.

New Jobs and Thieving Moviemakers

2010-04-08T17:03:00.003-04:00

First of all, I would like to begin with a proper rant.

Within the last two weeks I have seen the following movies:

Ghostwriter

Clash of the Titans

How to Train your Dragon

What do all of these movies have in common??

No title.

In all three of these movies (at least if I remember right) didn't show the film's title until the end of the movie.

Why?! Are you too lazy to create a decent opening for your film? Is a title sequence just too hard for you? I've seen more than just these movies doing this too. What if it's months from now, I'm watching TV, and your movie starts? Now, I'm poor, don't have digital cable, and I decide to wait for the title to come up... Waiting waiting waiting...

Nothing!

Gah!

I would also like to point out how many "cool points" you lose when you chose to set aside the name of your movie. How awesome is it when you're watching a movie for the first time (one you waited months or maybe even years for) and the dramatic music plays and the title appears in it's majestic manner? I don't know about you people, but I get chills and butterflies at the same time. It's such an "official" moment, you know? Like "yeeeeees! My movie! It's HERE! This is it!!"

Filmmakers around the world are ROBBING me of this awesomeness!

Thieves!!

The whole lot of you!!

On a totally unrelated note:

I got a job.

Tomorrow I start work at Nordstrom Rack. Yay, clothes! I do love clothes. Especially pretty ones, which they carry a lot of.

I must admit, I'm terribly nervous. I absolutely detest starting a new job. It's nerve wrecking to not know what you're doing. I hate having to think or say "sorry, I'm new". I prefer being knowledgeable. Especially when people are depending on you. However, I'll never get there if I don't start somewhere. Right? Right.

Eh... I'll just look on the bright side...

No dancing in 100 degree weather, across trolley tracks, in heels.

That, right there, is a win.